England ‘Gay and Proud’

Following sensational photos of England holding hands with Germany this green and pleasant land has come out of the closet.

In a dramatic press conference the Queen told stunned journalists ‘One is gay and one is proud. This fair nation is a player of the pink obo, it is a homosexual. Britannia was and never has been a trident wielding goddess but a demi god called Brian who flirted with transvestitism in 84 AD to avoid being drafted into the Roman army and has been in drag ever since”.

In today’s ‘Gay Times’ Brian told how ‘It was wear a dress or be butchered by Boudicca. Afterwards I began thinking hmmmm the wind around your English Channel is rather pleasing so remained a woman ever since’.

Discussing his relationship with Germany it emerged that the nations have been involved in a tempestuous love/hate affair with heated argument over where to squeeze the toothpaste tube resulting in two world wars. It was only when Germany cured its schizophrenia, with the countries collective consciousness no longer divided into east and west, were the two nations finally reunited. ‘Once Germany demolished the walls in its mind there was nothing that could stop us, it was like the good old days fondling each others currencies until pennies were spewed everywhere’.

Brian told the Gay Times that ‘Just because you’re gay it doesn’t mean you fancy every country that walks the planet; Scotland can sod off and have all the independence it wants! Im fed up with the wee country being on top all these years and anyhow I’ve seen under his kilt and even on warm days it is rather wee if you catch my drift’.

Brian didn’t divulge his view on Wales but sources have suggested that ‘every country needs a codpiece’.

England Fail to Reach the Last Four

The England football team failed to qualify for the last four at this years home internationals after being held to a goalless draw byJerseyin Pool A.

In a game of few chances England missed a penalty with six minutes remaining as Wayne Rooney’s weak shot was saved by keeper David Fenton.

 Proving the theory that Gerard and Lampard cant play together the Liverpool midfielder saw his shot blocked on the line by theChelseacaptain whose positioning was called into question. Sources speculating Lampard may have got disorientated during the game and was kneeling in the goal mouth to snort the goal white line believing it to be high grade cocaine.  

Having lost their opening game to Wales where, despite the recent media spotlight, Ryan Giggs proved he hadn’t lost the ability score and drawing against the Isle of Man Englands finial pool A game was a must win match.  

Head Coach Fabio Capello said afterwards “We were shit, Im not sure what the lads were playing at; it certainly wasn’t football. There will be collective responsibility but I`ll be reserving a special rebuke for Shrek”.

Screams were heard from the England dressing room and Mistress Cameo, spokesman for England Football teal, told journalists that the “Whole England mens football team have been disciplined, following our extended post match session together they have been whipped into shape and dare not fail again. Underachievement is not acceptable behavior so holes have been plugged, dissenters gagged and everyone is very, very sore following this pitiful display;  Wayne Rooney has been severely chastised and will only be performing on the pitch until further notice”.   

Mistress  Cameo was later seen leading Steven Gerard and Frank Lampard by a leash, “As they cant play together on the pitch they’re going to play together in my dungeon, think I`ll give them numbers 6 and 9 “ she told journalist Alix Fox.