Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season

Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.

“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions;  despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”

Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals

Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.

Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.

Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.


Sepp Blatter to Become Greek President

Former FIFA boss Sepp Blatter has become the new president of Greece in a shock announcement.

The disgraced head of footballs governing body has pledged to donate ‘A large pile of used $100 bills’ his maid found in a brown paper bags behind the sofa. This is not a complicated money laundering operation Blatter confirmed and has nothing to do with the FBI investigating his affairs but being a head of state provides some degree of diplomatic immunity which he described as being ‘useful’.

In addition Blatter pledged to tackle the rampant corruption and fraud rampant in the Greek economy, “I am an expert in these fields, I understand the mindset of those who wish to cheat the system for personal gain” he told a press conference from his lavish presidential palace. After providing journalists with a Champaign reception the new president showed details of his economic recovery plan, which mostly involved renaming the Acropolis the ‘Nike Zone’, a temple devoted to the Goddess of Victory and High Performance Sports Wear.

England Fail to Reach the Last Four

The England football team failed to qualify for the last four at this years home internationals after being held to a goalless draw byJerseyin Pool A.

In a game of few chances England missed a penalty with six minutes remaining as Wayne Rooney’s weak shot was saved by keeper David Fenton.

 Proving the theory that Gerard and Lampard cant play together the Liverpool midfielder saw his shot blocked on the line by theChelseacaptain whose positioning was called into question. Sources speculating Lampard may have got disorientated during the game and was kneeling in the goal mouth to snort the goal white line believing it to be high grade cocaine.  

Having lost their opening game to Wales where, despite the recent media spotlight, Ryan Giggs proved he hadn’t lost the ability score and drawing against the Isle of Man Englands finial pool A game was a must win match.  

Head Coach Fabio Capello said afterwards “We were shit, Im not sure what the lads were playing at; it certainly wasn’t football. There will be collective responsibility but I`ll be reserving a special rebuke for Shrek”.

Screams were heard from the England dressing room and Mistress Cameo, spokesman for England Football teal, told journalists that the “Whole England mens football team have been disciplined, following our extended post match session together they have been whipped into shape and dare not fail again. Underachievement is not acceptable behavior so holes have been plugged, dissenters gagged and everyone is very, very sore following this pitiful display;  Wayne Rooney has been severely chastised and will only be performing on the pitch until further notice”.   

Mistress  Cameo was later seen leading Steven Gerard and Frank Lampard by a leash, “As they cant play together on the pitch they’re going to play together in my dungeon, think I`ll give them numbers 6 and 9 “ she told journalist Alix Fox.