SPORTS NEWS….

Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season

Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.

“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions;  despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”

Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals

Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.

Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.

Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.

Ferdinand set for Man Utd Return

 Archduke Franz Ferdinand is set to end a 96 year absence by playing against Marseille on Wednesday after overcoming long term injury problems and death.

The 121 year old Austrian centre back has not played since being murdered in 1914 during Manchester Uniteds ill fated tour of Croatia which sparked World War I. Despite death previously being a career ending problem Sith powers possessed by Sir Darth Ferguson have brought Ferdinand back to life telling reporters ‘Franz has been training very well in the last few weeks. He will play on Wednesday’.  

‘This is the time to bring him back’ the Sith Lord added, ‘With players missing and silverware on the line we needed something special, Ferdinand was the Bobby Moore of his time and it’s the boost we need’.

After the brutal force chocking of Gary Neville, which forced the defender to retire, Darth Ferguson was left with a crisis. Rumors persist his first target for resurrection was Jesus but it was later discovered the son of God was already alive and well managing Real Madrid. Instead he looked to the United legend Franz Ferdinand who led the 1913 team to the league title and FA Cup double but was tragically shot on in June 1914 during a drunken game of extreme tiddlywinks.

Meanwhile Darth Ferguson revealed that he will be picking both Stanley Mathews and Duncan Edwards in his 25 man Champions League squad suggesting that Franz Ferdinand will not be the only former player whose career is to be resurrected.

“It has been a rough time with Darth Rooney suspended for decapitating a linesman with his lightsaber, so to draft them into the side can only be good for us”.