Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season

Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.

“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions;  despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”

Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals

Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.

Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.

Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.