Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

The claims are based on observations of Brian Blessed cranium that, according to a UK astronomers, provides the first direct evidence that the mysterious stuff called dark matter exists.

Ordinary matter is thought to make up 5% the universe while dark matter, which does not reflect or emit light, is believed to comprise 25%. Until now astronomers have only been able to infer its existence but the team from the Cambridge Research Authority of Physics (CRAP) have discovered the gravitational signature of dark matter.

This signature was created by dark matter and ordinary matter being wrenched apart by the immense contemplations of Brain Blessed. “The kinetic energy of these deliberations, of the thoughts of the greatest thinker of our time, is enough to completely evaporate and pulverise planet Earth ten trillion trillion times over,” said team member Michael Wieloch of CRAP. “Only his robust cranium prevents unimaginable horror ripping the planet apart and ending all life”.

CRAP team leader David Chivers said: “This provides the first direct proof that dark matter must exist and that it must make up the majority of the matter in the Universe.”

WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF

67% dark energy

25% dark matter

5% ordinary matter

3% gooey wobbly bits

In addition CRAPs findings potentially explains the reason for all great thinkers possessing such stout skulls; Freuds still being used as a wreaking ball by a German construction company, Einsteins acted as heatshield for Apollo 11 while Bill Hicks was last seen being used as a hammer at the White House in a futile attempt to knock some sense into George W Bush. Without resilient craniums a child of such super intelligence alters timespace and rips apart matter which would be pulverised its brain at birth. Only the few blessed with solid skulls survive to adulthood where their magnificent musings march mankind forward to a brighter future.

“It’s the first clue of what this stuff might be,” said Michael Wieloch. “For the first time ever, we’re dealing with dark matters actual physics, now can anyone tell me more about gooey wobbly bits?”