Eric Pickles to scrutinize meals over 1000 Calories

Eric Pickles has vowed to curb excessive local authority spending on meals and refreshments by personally testing any over 1000 calories, blocking any that seem excessive or not value for money.

The Communities Secretary, whose waistline is an avid supporter of David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’ told journalists

“Too many people enter local politics to get on the gravy train of free dinners and Champaign receptions. Take this Chicken Balti Birmingham Council plan on serving during a celebration of the cities cuisine, its delicious but unwarranted; Labor councils should go back to their roots; peas, pies and chips”.

Pickles refused to comment upon the excesses of Conservative councils but did point out that this personal gluttony was a sacrifice he was willing to make, if he increased in mass to reduce the deficit so be it.  

To this statement his chin, a life form in its own right, wobbled with agreement.

William Chooses Hitler to be Best Man

Heir to the throne chooses Great Uncles Edwards favorite fascist dictator to be his best man

Former German Chancellor thrilled to be asked, his first public function since going into hiding in 1945.

“Im so happy that William has taken the finial solution to his relationship with Kate Middleton” he told the Daily Mail

Catholic Priest Banned from Facebook

Papal officials have banned clergy from using Facebook, worried at them logging onto the site, looking at pictures of peoples children, clicking ‘like’ and then poking them.

Blair Pledges Book Proceeds to Injured Spin Doctor Charity

A spokesperson for the former Prime Minster, who is already understood to have received a £4.6m advance, said Mr Blair would hand over all the money he makes, “as a way of marking the enormous sacrifice spin doctors make and have made to the people of Great Britain and the world”.

“In making this decision Tony Blair recognizes the courage, the sacrifice and most importantly the double speak spin doctors have demonstrated in face of a sometimes uncomfortable truth. This is my way of honoring them.”

The proceeds will go to the Practitioners of Exceptional Spin and Trickery (PEST) Benevolent Fund