Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

 Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

The claims are based on observations of Brian Blessed cranium that, according to a UK astronomers, provides the first direct evidence that the mysterious stuff called dark matter exists.

Ordinary matter is thought to make up 5% the universe while dark matter, which does not reflect or emit light, is believed to comprise 25%. Until now astronomers have only been able to infer its existence but the team from the Cambridge Research Authority of Physics (CRAP) have discovered the gravitational signature of dark matter.

This signature was created by dark matter and ordinary matter being wrenched apart by the immense contemplations of Brain Blessed. “The kinetic energy of these deliberations, of the thoughts of the greatest thinker of our time, is enough to completely evaporate and pulverise planet Earth ten trillion trillion times over,” said team member Michael Wieloch of CRAP. “Only his robust cranium prevents unimaginable horror ripping the planet apart and ending all life”.

CRAP team leader David Chivers said: “This provides the first direct proof that dark matter must exist and that it must make up the majority of the matter in the Universe.”

WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF

67% dark energy

25% dark matter

5% ordinary matter

3% gooey wobbly bits

In addition CRAPs findings potentially explains the reason for all great thinkers possessing such stout skulls; Freuds still being used as a wreaking ball by a German construction company, Einsteins acted as heatshield for Apollo 11 while Bill Hicks was last seen being used as a hammer at the White House in a futile attempt to knock some sense into George W Bush. Without resilient craniums a child of such super intelligence alters timespace and rips apart matter which would be pulverised its brain at birth. Only the few blessed with solid skulls survive to adulthood where their magnificent musings march mankind forward to a brighter future.

“It’s the first clue of what this stuff might be,” said Michael Wieloch. “For the first time ever, we’re dealing with dark matters actual physics, now can anyone tell me more about gooey wobbly bits?”

Mans Exaggerations Actually True!

Dr Chivers outlandish claims of suffering from a ‘massive blister’ were confirmed by astronauts last night.

Friends assumed assertions that his feet had ‘swelled to the size of a house’ and he had blisters ‘bigger than the millennium dome’ were just the product of a deranged fool when they can be seen with the naked eye from the International Space Station.

Paul Shirley, Michael Wieloch and Clare Murdoch issued a full and frank apology for any insult or injury sustained against his good character while in future assuring Dr Chivers that they would believe the sometimes wild and far fetched ramblings of the aged pig obsessed sherry addict.

They added that Dr Chivers recent behavior, where he claimed to have a remote control logged in his aorta, had a brain swap with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and wrote ‘MacBeth’ while time travelling with Babe the Sheep Pig added to their sense of disbelief and thus were unwilling to accept that feet and blisters could swell to such massive proportions after a 400m excursion to buy more Sherry.

Dr Chivers was unavailable for comment but issued this statement through his solicitors ‘I am fine, I am okay, I am wearing my wife’s knickers. Please can M&S send more pants, the washing machine has broken down and I need clean underwear!’

A further claim that his breath can kill penguins is currently under investigation with the aid of London Zoo.