Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 24.05.17

Guardians of the Galaxy

Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.

Is there a Doctor in the Building

Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.

It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.

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Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily

Become A Flu Fighter

Don’t you just hate it when inconsiderate bastards bring germs into the hospital? Don’t you hate it when they spread them? Don’t you just hate it when they make you sick?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes become a ‘Flu Fighter’, former professional wrestler ‘The Undertaker’ will be training staff how to take hold of the situation and grapple those carrying infection into the hospital. Choke slamming a coughing child will become standard practice and any contagious adult will be told to read Chivers 3:16 “Get the hell out’a my hospital you virulent vagabond!”.

Dr Chivers would like to remind staff that treatment is free at the point of service but there is nothing within the NHS constitution that states you can’t deliver nursing with a half, or even full, Nelson!

Send in the Clowns

Clowns, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing…well it seems they’re fantastic for giving children a healthy fright.

Silly surgeons have been jumping on the ‘Killer Clown’ craze so when anesthetised little ones wake up from an operation that are greeted by the medical team sporting white masks with reds nose; wielding scalpels while laughing manically. Any children with lasting psychological problems following this waggish wakeup will be offered support in the form of aversion therapy, being forced to watch Stephen Kings IT twice daily.

This is not the first time that surgeons have played practical jokes on people coming round after an operation, in 2003 nine members of the public woke from anaesthetic dressed as characters from the Lord of the Rings and nurses in fantasy attire convinced them to embark upon a quest to destroy the One Ring by dropping it into the crack of doom, or Nigel Farages bottom as its also known.

 

 

 

 

 

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 23rd June

Chesterfield University Hospitals Says YES to Breasts! 

In support of National Breastfeeding Week Chesterfield University is suckling at the teat of taste with breast milk ice cream being served in the canteen. Staff from the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital will be on hand to give breastfeeding tips and advice, with Dr David Chivers delighted at his ‘hands on’ training by the chief midwife yesterday morning.

To raise money for Baby Milk Action, an independent charity promoting breast feeding, employees can enter ‘Match the Mammary with the Mother’. Can you work out which breasts match which employees? For a £2 entry fee you get an entry sheet with photos of both and the correct answer drawn out of the hat will win an all expense trip to Hooters, London; where you’ll get waitress service with a smile, short shorts and tight tops!

Clinic 9 ½ Opened for Non Muggle Maladies

After successfully tendering for the Non Muggle and Magician contract, Chesterfield University Hospitals is delighted to announce the opening of Clinic   9 1/2. There all manner of magical maladies will be treated from Wizards Wrist, caused by excessive wand wielding, and Crones Droop where spell casters experience a pronounced softening then sagging of noses and other appendages.

There will also be outreach programmes to prevent unplanned transformations, teaching wizards and witches not to practice magic without using protection and where this fails what to do to get emergency contraTransformation and prevent STDs (Sorcery Transmitted Diseases).

Childcare, Have You Booked it for this Summer?

With summer holidays nearly here have you made suitable arrangements for your children? If not you could put them to work in Chesterfield University Hospitals Summer Camp!

With care packages for boys and girls aged 6 to 12 years old they can be looked after, earn a wage and help Chesterfield University Hospitals provide excellent patient care! Could little Jonnie shovel waste into the furnace and little Lucy collect bedpans from dementia patients? If the answer is yes they’ll earn you £2 an hour while you work this summer, with trained professionals ensuring the hospitals well being is maintained while the children are exploited to their fullest potential.

 

Sign up now, YOUR HOSPITAL NEEDS YOUR CHILDREN!

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 21st May 2015

Conservative Triumph Celebrated at Chesterfield University Hospitals               

We like our football team playing in blue and we like our politicians blue, and this isn’t just referring to the time David Cameron called Boris Johnson a Cucking Funt. We celebrate the Conservative Parties triumph at the ballet box and look forward to additional private sector involvement in the NHS.

Instead of ‘Red Ed’, Marvin the Socialist Paranoid Android, we’ve got ‘pumped up’ David Cameron and his glorious Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, at the tiller. There is nought that can go wrong and Chesterfield University Hospitals looks forward to the extra funding this sycophantic toadying deserves.

A New Start in the Care of Women

We would like to welcome Spirites Health to the Chesterfield University Hospitals after their successful bid to run Womens Health services. Lead by departing Chesterfield University Hospitals Clinical Director David Chivers Spirites Health will bring private sector savvy and best practice to the care of female patients while accepting no compromise to their profit margin which can only benefit patients, somehow.

“We  are delighted to be working with Spirites Health, who are already seen as the gold standard in providing profitable community services” Clinical Director David Chivers told journalists in one finial act before leaving Chesterfield University Hospitals, “their innovative practices will bring best value, mostly to my Swiss bank account ”.

Already Spirites Health have rebranded all nursing staff as Womens Health Operational Resource – Employee Solution  (WHOR-ES) and have changed their working uniforms accordingly; Dr David Chivers is looking forward to inspecting his new team shortly.

Dying Recognition Week

Today is the first day of ‘Dying Recognition Week’, where the nation remembers all entertainers who’ve treaded the boards and failed to raise a smile, a titter or a giggle from the audience.

Here at Chesterfield University Hospitals Dramatic Injuries Unit specialists in treating bruised egos, broken careers, hissy fits and dramatic flounces; most famously providing ongoing care to Jonny Depp following his 2013 box office flop ‘The Lone Ranger’.

The Dramatic Injuries Unit nursing team will be singing a medley of United Kingdom’s recent Eurovision entries, the graveyard musical careers.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily: 6th April 2015

Rainbow Rehab Report – Supporting Bungle in Need

The Rainbow Rehab Centre, set up to support Bungle, Zippy and George following the popular TV shows cancellation and their subsequent mental health crisis, has released its annual report detailing the progress that its only remaining patient has made in rehabilitating himself back into children’s television.

 Zippy and George, with the help of makeup and prosthetics, have reinvented themselves as popular TV personalities Ant and Dec  but Bungle remains mentally detached from reality; believing himself to be either former Conservative Minister Norman Tebbit or a staple remover call Egbert.

 Thanks to the work by our clinical psychologists, Dr Sooty and Dr R Rat, great strides have been made and we praise their continued endeavours. 

 It’s My Colonoscopy and I’ll Cry if I Want to!

 Wince and cry, artist David Chivers and Chesterfield University Hospitals have captured patients true experiences of enduring a colonoscopy. The installation, ‘A Pain in the Bum’, can be found in the main reception.

 This is one of many cutting edge art installations that Chesterfield University Hospitals have premiered including Damian Hurst and Jeremy Hunts collaboration ‘Health Requiem’, the NHS Budget sliced in half and pickled in formaldehyde.  

 CQC Panic Stations!

 We have nothing to hide but in response to the Care Quality Commissions impending inspection Chesterfield University Hospitals archives are now quarantined  after they were contaminated with Plutonium and will remain dangerously radioactive until 2250.

 We apologies to all that these archives cannot be inspected and that the only available data on years 2000 to 2015 being the memories of key members of staff who have been given exceptional bribes all expense paid research sabbaticals  to the Seychelles thus will not be available for interview.

 White Nose Day Update

 This years white nose day was a resounding success, we now own a swimming pool filled with sharks for ‘staff motivational’ purposes and all of Greece’s national debt. Unless this is paid in full by 9am 15th April Chesterfield University Hospitals will be taking ownership of Create, to where the management will relocate to new open plan beach offices.  

iHospital: Apple Revolutionises Healthcare

iHospital: Chesterfield University Hospitals and Apple Unite to Transform Healthcare

01 April 2014

 Chesterfield University Hospitals has signed contracts with Apple to transform patient services through their innovative iHospital ap.

 Available on iPhones and iPads this ap will enable the patient to diagnose then treat common ailments and conduct, self administered, minor operations.

 The new system will be fully supported by virtual clinicians; guiding patients through best practice, writing prescriptions and most importantly treating them in the comforting environment of home. Patients with access to a 3D printer will be able to manufacture their own implements and medical supplies, then with the aid of easily available pain killers such as paracetamol, operate thanks to‘Apple Surgical Solutions’ (ASS). ASS will even provide details of local drug dealers in case opiate based pain relief is required following an adverse event.

 Dr David Chivers said“Safety is crucial, using the phones gyroscopic thingy a patients hand tremor will be tested, only the steadiest will be allowed to perform anything but the simplest of surgery; with ASS we’re confident that soon 9 out of 10 men will soon be repairing their own hernia’s and home vasectomies will be the norm.”

 “The collaboration between Apple and Chesterfield University Hospitals is about putting our patients in a position where they’re more involved in their own care, in a safer and more effective manner than costly visits to hospital. The NHS needs to up its game and this is the right thing to do. With free Wi-Fi onsite those not so confident in home surgery are welcome to operate in the Concourse, reassured by constant flow of medical practitioners buying coffee and cakes; meaning help is seconds away in case of an accident or emergency”.

To facilitate this safe self surgery a new ‘ASS Zone’ has been prepared next to Costa Coffee, populated today by executives and directors demonstrating how technological innovations are transforming the patient experience. Dr Jayne Cooper’s mild mishap stress testing the emergency procedure, when the screen froze nearby junior doctors interrupted their breakfasts and leapt into action, preventing a potential fatal haemorrhage while the 3D Printer was switched on and off again.

An additional module can be purchased, enabling the budding home MD to complete cosmetic surgery at home,“Why pay £5000 for a silicone breast enlargement when for a £5 download and a handful of plastercine you can go from go from a B to a D cup, and its non toxic to boot!”