Boris Johnson has Reached a Turning Point on Climate Change

In 20 days world leaders will gather for what will be a “turning point for Boris Johnson” the Prime Minster announced in a speech to the United Nations.

He warned humanities actions have caused inevitable global temperature rises but called on Boris Johnson to commit to major changes to curb further warming.

Four areas need tackling he told the UN assembly, “firstly Boris Johnson must stop overpopulating the earth by having more children and my ex wife has suggested castration; something Carrie Simmons agrees with. Thirdly he must stop talking, nothing more needs to be said in that prattling voice. Lastly Boris Johnson must consume Michael Gove for the sake of humanity in a finial meal before going vegan”.

“It’s time for Boris Johnson to grow up,” he added, “and learn to count”.

The prime minister also said it was time to listen to the warnings of scientists. “We should stop listening to experts, instead we should listen to people who’ve dedicated their lives to studying a topic instead of doyens of the comment pages; an abode Boris Johnson knows so well”.

The Prime Minister praised Boris Johnson installing a British made wood burning stove, in which the oven ready Brexit deal was baked.  

The prime minister also said Boris Johnson did not see a conflict between the green movement and capitalism, saying that: “As a descendant of may dead people Boris Johnson has inherited sufficient financial and cultural capital not to give a fXXk”.

“We have the tools for a green industrial revolution but time is desperately short and does Boris Johnson have the brain to clasp this opportunity,” he added.

Elsewhere the Boris Johnson made a series of calls for action including:

-Donald Trump should cover the world in more carbon capturing golf courses.

-David Cameron should stop breathing and polluting the world with CO2.

-Commended cyclist Lance Armstrong for his clean living and healthy outdoor lifestyle.

-A call to arms to burn all the worlds coal now, so it won’t pollute the world later. A recent report from UN scientists warned that global temperatures have risen faster since 1970 than at any point in the past 2,000 years. “Wooohooo” announced Boris Johnson, stripping half naked to bask in the unusually mild autumnal weather.


Labour Vows to ‘Rub Out’ Michael Gove

Labour has vowed to wipe the slate clean of Michael Gove and his reforms of the Education system if elected.

 A plan, devised by Trisram Hunt and Jason Statham, for the current “sink or swim inspection system” to be replaced by commissars responsible for raising standards, enforcing government principles and maintaining staff morale.

 Outlining the plan Statham accused the collation of creating an “unmanageable Kafkaesque caricature of an education system, with a landscape mired in incoherence, confusion and lack of accountability. Essentially Gove you’re to be erased with extreme prejudice”.

 Asked to clarify this the Death Race star removed a sawn off shotgun from his coat and vowed to rub out Michael Gove ‘Lock stock and two smoking barrels’.

 The reform plan, Labours most important statement on Education in 10 years, will assimilate New Labour reforms along with those of the Soviet Union under Stalin. Local education commissars being able to summarily fire failing teachers but Statham responded to concerns saying this would occur in sound proof rooms, away from the classroom as ‘We don’t want lessons being disrupted by the trademark bang of a Glock 17 do we? Those who can , do. Those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t even teach have their contracts terminated, and we’ll make sure they never teach again’.

When asked how he’d deal with the militant teaching unions Statham promised that ‘fear will keep them in line, unlike Tarkin we don’t have a Death Star but we have an Army. There is violence inherent within the system and I intend to use it. Accept our reforms, bank roll the Labour Party or get pulped by a tank”.

Labour other reforms would include:

• Give all schools freedom over the curriculum, the school day and discipline policy with the return of corporal punishment mandatory.

•Implementing a three strikes and you’re out policy to raise moral, any teach caught not smiling three times will be classed as failing and removed from post.

• Require all schools to audit and publish accounts online, any deficit to be taken directly from the headteachers salary and/or forcibly seizing the headteachers assets.

•Pre and post school ‘workhouses’ are to be put in place, utilizing childrens energy to generate income for the school while providing much needed childminding facilities.

Despite this aggressive rhetoric most of the press conference was taken up by Trisram Hunt reading sections of speeches made by Michael Gove, with Jason Statham providing commentary including ‘Nought but the three R’s, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish” and “Can’t count, his opinions shouldn’t count; he just waffles like a deranged lunatic’.

Michael Gove has yet to comment but a Labour spokes person has stated this to be a “Good thing, I think the public are with me in begrudging Gove the oxygen he breaths”.

Gove in History Curriculum U-turn

‘I was wrong’ states Education Secretary, ‘teachers are doing a quite splendid job’.

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, has issued an unreserved apology to all history teachers following the shock discovery that the sources of all his historical knowledge contained erroneous and often incorrect facts.

‘I lambasted teachers for a woefully poor delivery of the history curriculum, until yesterday I thought children left school with little or no knowledge of this nations rich tapestry or world events’ Gove told the Education Select Committee, later revealing that all his historical knowledge were gleamed from the books ‘1066 and all that’ and ‘The Onion Presents: Our Dumb Century’; which he mistook for academic histories.

‘I was wrong; an 8 year old child who knows Henry VIII had 6 wives knows more than I do. Until yesterday I thought WWII started when Hitler neutralised the Polish menace, with Europe relieved that Germany lifted the grim spectre of Polish tyranny from the continent. Only when Germany invaded Britain, Belgium, Holland and France (who surrendered after a valiant 10 minute struggle) did things get unpleasant’.

Hanging his head in shame the MP  placed himself in special measures, with the National Union of Teachers the proposed sponsors of the relaunched ‘’Militant Marxist Department for Education, Skills and Training for the Overthrow of Capitalism’. General Secretary, Christine Blower, told journalists that like all sponsors of free schools and academies the NUT will have no influence upon

Michael Gove “Getting this book into schools, a personal ‘Mein Kampf”

Michael Gove “Getting this book into schools, a personal ‘Mein Kampf”

 “We should celebrate and cherish great works whose still resonate within society, long after their original printing’ Education Secretary Michael Gove told journalists.

 Beating the podium with his fist he declared “Getting this book into schools was a personal mein kampf but we found a final solution to the issue and now all children have access to Hitler’s powerful, authoritative polemic; for we do not learn history just in order to know the past, we learn history in order to find instructions to prevent future mistakes and for the continued existence of our own nation”.

 The project, costing £350000, has been paid for by a consortium of 8 Conservative Party donors, or a “band of fellow travellers” according to the Education Secretary.

 “The pulsing heart of this book is experienced 87 years after it was published, we still talk about the ‘blitz spirit’, Top Gear drove across the desert in a car bearing the Luftwaffe’s livery while Chelsea fans, including our fine chancellor, hummed the ‘Great Escape’ during last weeks cup final. Without ‘Mien Kampf’ none of these would have taken place. It is because of this we should all acclaim and revere this book, it is why I have made it a feature of every school library”.

 Outlining what he’d personally learnt from ‘Mein Kampf Michael Gove stated that his political communiqués bare its legacy,

“If you wish for sympathy of the broad masses, you must tell them the crudest and most stupid things. All propaganda must be popular and its intellectual level must be adjusted to the most limited intelligence among those it is addressed to. To be blunt I speak crap because the man on the street only understands little but shit”.   

Answering the final question the Education Secretary said “David modelled for the cover, we think he bears a striking likeness”

 When pressed Gove refused to clarify if it was David Mitchell or David Cameron who posed for the cover, representatives of both refuse to comment on the matter.

 Tony Blair is rumoured to be embarking on a similar project, donating copies of ‘Slaughterhouse 5’ to every school along with a little red book called ‘Quotations of Chairman Murdoch, an invaluable reference during his premiership. The book contains 10 blank pages towards the end for the reader to complete with fresh dictates from Chairman Murdoch. David Cameron also is known to possess a copy, the latest edition with a forward by Rebecca Brooks.

Michael Gove Put into Special Measures

The Education Secretary Michael Gove has been placed into special measures following a damming Ofsted report.

Inspectors ranked Gove as “inadequate” in most area following an inspection in March, citing his inability to understand basic maths when questioned by the education select committee and deteriorating relations with teaching unions and parent groups as examples of how the Education Secretary is a failing minister.

Previous shortcomings, highlighted in Ofsted’s November report, had failed to be addressed such wasting resources by issuing the Kings James Bible to all schools, despite the average school library containing 15 Bibles along with other religious texts.

This left Ofsted with little choice but to describe Michael Gove as “failing to give its pupils an acceptable standard of education and teachers an acceptable chance of educating”.

“Name calling and bulling, by labelling those who oppose his views as ‘Trots’, is not how someone should manage and motivate. In a professional office it would result in disciplinary action” the Ofsted report stated, “given this is not an option we’ve put Michael Gove into special measures and unless significant improvement is shown in the next 6 weeks he will be replaced by Richard Dawkins ‘Darwin Academy’.

Michael Gove is the MP for Surrey Heath and in December 2010 claimed that ‘Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system’, unaware that the Chinese Cultural revolution resulted in widespread abuse, rape and torture; the education system being closed for 10 years.

Michael Gove to send Mien Kampf to all English schools

Education State schools in England are to receive a copy of Mein Kampf from the government with a brief forward by Michael Gove, the education secretary, to mark the 87th anniversary of its publication.

In a move intended to help every pupil access Britain’s cultural heritage each primary and secondary school will receive a copy next year, to coincide with the anniversary of Hitler’s 1923 Munich Beer Hall putsch.

Gove will write a brief foreword in this special edition, “It is a thing of beauty and incredible historical importance. No other book has helped shape and define Britain in the last 200 years. The consequences of Hitler’s words and the deeds they inspired still resonate today in the nations shared culture”.  

The Department for Education estimates the cost of the scheme at £375,000, and is seeking philanthropic sponsorship from someone beyond Nick Griffin who is please the BNP’s 2010 manifesto is being distributed to all schools.