Transfer News: Wayne Rooney Moves to Chesterfield University Hospitals FC

In a desperate attempt to save their season the Spirite Surgeons have spent big and paid Manchester United £8.9m for the services of Wayne Rooney. The England striker will be turning out on Saturday against in the local derby Derby City Hospital FC.

The hospital funded football team had been languishing at the bottom of NHS Division 3 and a run of winning form would be a welcome moral boost for the cash strapped hospital, thus spending £8.9m on a white elephant is money well spent. When not playing Rooney will be employed as a hospital porter, pushing patients and beds around the hospital being valuable cardiovascular training. Being new to the NHS and having no prior experience of being  porter the former Manchester United forward will be paid at the start of payband 3, hopefully he does not find this step down in salary too demeaning while stepping up to do actual public service.

The Boat Race!

Following a tense sudden death row off Chesterfield University have been promoted to the Rowing Premier League at the expense of Oxford, whose demotion will result in the self-declared ‘Toffs of the Water’ competing with oiks from Reading, Loughborough and Wolverhampton.

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is proud to support their affiliated university and the drugs supplied to the rowing team were for therapeutic purpose only and in no way boosted performance. The breaking of three world records is purely coincidental, so is the use of Lance Armstrong as a ‘performance coach’.

 Not since 1965 has another university taken part in the annual boat race on the Thames, that year Oxford and Cambridge were joined by the University of Lancaster whose team flouted all conventions by using a steam powered motor launch and conducting boarding actions upon the oppositions boats. This it transpired was not against the rules and despite it being bad form it was perfectly legitimate to kidnap the Cambridge crew and sell 8 Eton educated sons of aristocrats into indentured labour, becoming the servants of northern pit workers and forced to live off a diet of bread and dripping for a period of 10 years.