Chesterfield University Hospital Daily: Sports News!

Transfer News: Wayne Rooney Moves to Chesterfield University Hospitals FC

In a desperate attempt to save their season the Spirite Surgeons have spent big and paid Manchester United £8.9m for the services of Wayne Rooney. The England striker will be turning out on Saturday against in the local derby Derby City Hospital FC.

The hospital funded football team had been languishing at the bottom of NHS Division 3 and a run of winning form would be a welcome moral boost for the cash strapped hospital, thus spending £8.9m on a white elephant is money well spent. When not playing Rooney will be employed as a hospital porter, pushing patients and beds around the hospital being valuable cardiovascular training. Being new to the NHS and having no prior experience of being  porter the former Manchester United forward will be paid at the start of payband 3, hopefully he does not find this step down in salary too demeaning while stepping up to do actual public service.

The Boat Race!

Following a tense sudden death row off Chesterfield University have been promoted to the Rowing Premier League at the expense of Oxford, whose demotion will result in the self-declared ‘Toffs of the Water’ competing with oiks from Reading, Loughborough and Wolverhampton.

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is proud to support their affiliated university and the drugs supplied to the rowing team were for therapeutic purpose only and in no way boosted performance. The breaking of three world records is purely coincidental, so is the use of Lance Armstrong as a ‘performance coach’.

 Not since 1965 has another university taken part in the annual boat race on the Thames, that year Oxford and Cambridge were joined by the University of Lancaster whose team flouted all conventions by using a steam powered motor launch and conducting boarding actions upon the oppositions boats. This it transpired was not against the rules and despite it being bad form it was perfectly legitimate to kidnap the Cambridge crew and sell 8 Eton educated sons of aristocrats into indentured labour, becoming the servants of northern pit workers and forced to live off a diet of bread and dripping for a period of 10 years.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 19/10/16

ChesExit

Following on from the EU referendum and Brexit it has been decided that Chesterfield University Hospitals will detach itself from any relationship with the town of Chesterfield, refusing to treat those residing in this rotten carbuncle at the centre of England.   

“Chesterfield voted solidly to leave the European Union so why should its residents benefit from the services of nurses, doctors and midwifes we’ve poached from EU nations” Dr David Chivers told journalists as he stood at the newly erected boarder checkpoint.

Anyone treated in Chesterfield University Hospitals will have to prove their place of residence does not have a Chesterfield postcode. Anyone utilizing the local dialect such as calling lunch ‘snap’, suggesting people are ‘nesh’ or delusionally suggesting that Chesterfield Football Club are ‘by far the greatest team the world have ever seen’ will experience enhanced checks.

The boarder between Chesterfield and Chesterfield University Hospitals will be patrolled by Officer Wieloch, whose regime of shoot to kill is not official policy but is accepted practice as it reduces the number of casualties attending A&E while providing a steady stream of fresh organs for transplantation.

Sweat the Small Stuff

Is you department filled with niggling irksome issues? Chesterfield University Hospitals will dedicate next week to resolving them in its ‘Sweat the Small Stuff’ initiative.

This initiative will involve taking the smaller, easily bullied, members of staff and utilizing the motivators of fear and actual violence as an enabler; with these diminutive members of the workforce performing minor repairs, tedious filing or cleaning the men’s toilets pro bona.

“I am English therefor I have won the lottery of life” declared Dr David Chivers, “and as we can no longer exploit the colonies we shall exploit the dwarfs!”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 21st May 2015

Conservative Triumph Celebrated at Chesterfield University Hospitals               

We like our football team playing in blue and we like our politicians blue, and this isn’t just referring to the time David Cameron called Boris Johnson a Cucking Funt. We celebrate the Conservative Parties triumph at the ballet box and look forward to additional private sector involvement in the NHS.

Instead of ‘Red Ed’, Marvin the Socialist Paranoid Android, we’ve got ‘pumped up’ David Cameron and his glorious Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, at the tiller. There is nought that can go wrong and Chesterfield University Hospitals looks forward to the extra funding this sycophantic toadying deserves.

A New Start in the Care of Women

We would like to welcome Spirites Health to the Chesterfield University Hospitals after their successful bid to run Womens Health services. Lead by departing Chesterfield University Hospitals Clinical Director David Chivers Spirites Health will bring private sector savvy and best practice to the care of female patients while accepting no compromise to their profit margin which can only benefit patients, somehow.

“We  are delighted to be working with Spirites Health, who are already seen as the gold standard in providing profitable community services” Clinical Director David Chivers told journalists in one finial act before leaving Chesterfield University Hospitals, “their innovative practices will bring best value, mostly to my Swiss bank account ”.

Already Spirites Health have rebranded all nursing staff as Womens Health Operational Resource – Employee Solution  (WHOR-ES) and have changed their working uniforms accordingly; Dr David Chivers is looking forward to inspecting his new team shortly.

Dying Recognition Week

Today is the first day of ‘Dying Recognition Week’, where the nation remembers all entertainers who’ve treaded the boards and failed to raise a smile, a titter or a giggle from the audience.

Here at Chesterfield University Hospitals Dramatic Injuries Unit specialists in treating bruised egos, broken careers, hissy fits and dramatic flounces; most famously providing ongoing care to Jonny Depp following his 2013 box office flop ‘The Lone Ranger’.

The Dramatic Injuries Unit nursing team will be singing a medley of United Kingdom’s recent Eurovision entries, the graveyard musical careers.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15

 

Today at 4:07 PM

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 10.02.15

Nurse-Led Discharge Unit Gains New Sponsor

Chesterfield University Hospitals are proud to announce that the nurse-led discharge unit will now be known as the Anne Summers Discharge Unit from today.

The unit aims to ensure patients have a smooth and pleasant discharge, with additional funds and uniforms provided by Anne Summer ensuring the newly christened ‘Rabbit Ward’ has suitable staffing levels allowing nurses to provide close, hands on, attention.

“Our aim is to make sure patients leave this hospital with a smile on their faces and with the help of Anne Summers we can give everyone a happy ending to their stay” Medical Director Dr Chivers told the Press.

iHospital – Share Your Views

Following the outrage caused by this weekends iHospital outrage, where Chesterfield University Hospital was left with only one working computer, the views of staff are sought in a pretence of being an employer that listens to its staff. The tick box exercise will take place between 10th February and 23rd February, then the results will be ignored and all records of the survey expunged from the hospitals records.

The finance department has also been decontaminated following an outbreak of Norovirus, the cause of contagion an infected; even the departments low tech solutions to iHospital related issues have been hit by a bug.