This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.