Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.

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Miliband Wrestles Cameron over Spending Cuts

 Todays Prime Ministers Questions had to be abandoned after two questions, allowing paramedics to treat David Cameron who is in a critical condition following a blistering attack by the Labour Leader.

In response to the Conservative Leader stating that there was a ‘Thread of dishonesty’ in the Labour Parties spending proposals Ed Miliband rose from the opposition benches, eyeballed Mr Cameron and said ‘Outside now you Tory Bastard!”

The Tory leader responded with taunts that the Labour Leader was a ‘The stupid younger son’ and that his brother, David, was ‘more intelligent, more attractive and, from what he’d heard, better in bed than ickle red Ed’.

Ignoring the speakers demands to return to his seat Ed Miliband retorted ‘Let the red flag rise and your red blood be spilled. Workers of the unite, let class war begin!’

The stunned Tory leader was subjected to a series of wrestling moves that would not have been out of place from the WWE. At one point the Labor Leader reached into his dispatch box, removed drawing pins and spread them liberally over the Commons floor. To a cry of ‘Hell Yeah’ Ed Miliband tombstoned Mr Cameron and left the Commons Chamber leaving the Conservative leader a whimpering pin cushion.

Labor back benchers were seen to be holding ‘Miliband 3:16’ placards, rumors that there will be a ‘Bra and Panties’ match between Harriet Harman and Teresa May have been denied.