Teresa May Holds Warhammer Cabinet Meeting

Teresa May will host senior cabinet ministers at Chequers this weekend for the Tories annual Bring Out Your Lead Bash, with this years theme being Brexit Dark Future.

In addition to Brexiteers like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox duelling on the roads against Pro-EU ministers such as Philip Hammond and Amber Rudd an all day game of Warhammer 40000 is planned on Sunday with plucky Britannia fighting for freedom from the decaying Imperium of Man. Leading novelist Gav Thorpe has written a specially commissioned book to describe how Space Marine Legion III: ‘The Remoaners’ were crushed in Britannia’s rebellion and stricken from Imperial Record for their pitiful performance; its Primarch retreating to a self-imposed exile and living in a shepherds hut on Earth.

Games guru Jervis Johnson will be on hand to show new members of cabinet the ropes and how to throw dice the ‘GW way’, seasoned tossers such as Jeremy Hunt will be providing their expert gaming advice while live blogging on ‘Warhammer Community’.

“Companies like Games Workshop put the Great into Great Britain” Boris Johnson told journalists, “I’m also impressed by the secretive Kev Adams ‘Snotling Gove’ range”. He also suggested that the inclusion of Bloodbowl be cornerstone of future Olympic bids, it being simply ‘wrestling and handball combined in one sport’. Asked the games fantastical element foreign secretary Johnson drifted off mumbling ‘hmmmm…fantasy…beach volleyball…baby oil…oh matron!’

 

 

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“I Quit” Fulgrim Reveals

Fulgrim, Primarch of the Emperors Children, has announced his retirement to spend more time gardening.

Speaking from deep within the Eye of Terror Fulgrim told a packed press conference that since the Emperors Death he’d become more and more detached from his life of debauched excess and brutalising the Imperium.

“Last week I woke up from sixty day orgy and decided enough was enough, casting aside the ten thousand nubile Dark Eldar slave girls and vowing to abstain from that day on and become a humble gardener” the daemon prince told the assembled journalists.

The former bioengineered superhuman and now arch acolyte of Slaanesh then provided samples of his wholesome produce, feeding the press hand grown cucumbers, bananas, pears and melons while nearby deamonettes made childish innuendos until banished.

In addition Fulgrim will be founding the Abbey Clinic, a place of solemn self-restraint, to assist traitor marines and cultists turn from the path of interminable pleasure and intemperance towards one of piety and humble virtue. Hoping one day to terraform Chemos and make it a verdant green and pleasant land once more