Teresa May will host senior cabinet ministers at Chequers this weekend for the Tories annual Bring Out Your Lead Bash, with this years theme being Brexit Dark Future.
In addition to Brexiteers like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox duelling on the roads against Pro-EU ministers such as Philip Hammond and Amber Rudd an all day game of Warhammer 40000 is planned on Sunday with plucky Britannia fighting for freedom from the decaying Imperium of Man. Leading novelist Gav Thorpe has written a specially commissioned book to describe how Space Marine Legion III: ‘The Remoaners’ were crushed in Britannia’s rebellion and stricken from Imperial Record for their pitiful performance; its Primarch retreating to a self-imposed exile and living in a shepherds hut on Earth.
Games guru Jervis Johnson will be on hand to show new members of cabinet the ropes and how to throw dice the ‘GW way’, seasoned tossers such as Jeremy Hunt will be providing their expert gaming advice while live blogging on ‘Warhammer Community’.
“Companies like Games Workshop put the Great into Great Britain” Boris Johnson told journalists, “I’m also impressed by the secretive Kev Adams ‘Snotling Gove’ range”. He also suggested that the inclusion of Bloodbowl be cornerstone of future Olympic bids, it being simply ‘wrestling and handball combined in one sport’. Asked the games fantastical element foreign secretary Johnson drifted off mumbling ‘hmmmm…fantasy…beach volleyball…baby oil…oh matron!’
Santa Denied Work Permit in Post Brexit Britain
Following the EU referendum Santa has been denied a work permit and will be banned from delivering presents following the implementation of strict immigration controls. Boarder enforcement agencies have been issued with explicit orders to deny entry to illegal workers through any means, with Army and Royal Air Force both conducting training exercises in intercepting and eliminating a reindeer powered flying sleigh.
It has been suggested that this zero tolerance policy of Santa is following MI5 providing intelligence to Teresa May which suggested she was on the naughty and not nice list thus wouldn’t be getting any presents anyhow.
Donald Trump at Least ‘50% Hamster’ Claims Freddie Star
Notorious hamster muncher Freddie Star claims that he’d sampled Donald Trump and can confirm the president elect is part rodent, probably hamster.
The alleged comedian claims he met Trump at notorious Nottinghamshire dogging site Fanny’s Grove and in the car park was able to appraise the property tycoons structure.
“It tastes of rodent with a tang of liquorice” Starr claims, “he’s at least 50% hamster but all gentleman with the way he treated me”.
Donald Trump has not commented on these claims, but this could be because his cheeks were filled with food.
British Workers Shunned as Darth May Uses Ewoks to Build Death Star
Following Brexit and the reestablishment of the Empire Darth May pledged to reenergise the British Economy through an ambitious programme of capital investment, with the building of a supermassive space station able to destroy a planet being the centrepiece.
Following an investigation the Daily Moron revealed that the Death Star contract has been awarded to Bespin Cloud City, with it then being subcontracted to the Hutt Corp; a shadowy organisation registered in the offplanet taxhaven of Tatooine. Despite assurances that these capital projects would be built by British workers it’s been exposed that Ewoks have been used. These furry muppets in space working unpaid after being ordered to construct the spacestation by C3-P0, who they consider to be a god.
Labour Leader Obi Wan Corbin called this a ‘scandal, never before has there been a greater den of scum and villainy than the Conservative Party’, while UKIP Leader Jabba the Hutt was quoted as saying ‘this is sound business sense, getting the best deal for my bank balance…sorry for the county’ before suggesting that anyone who disagreed with him should feel his ‘rancours bite!’
In a statement to Parliament Darth May told MP’s that the Death Star will enable the British Empire to take its place on the top table, along with Grand Moff Trump and Chancellor Merkel. The recently retired aircraft carrier HMS Illustrious will be replaced by a fleet of Star Detroyers to ‘enable Britania to rule the waves, skys and space but anyone who wants Naboo and its bloody Gungans can jolly well have them!’
Following a review of historical urine samples Germany has been awarded victory in WWII, with the Allied team lead by Russia, USA and United Kingdom being disqualified for doping violations.
It is believed that the current Russian doping scandal stretches beyond sport, with soldiers and bomb dogs being ‘as juicy as hell’ throughout the second world war.
Germany will be formally awarded victory in WWII on Christmas day, with the Allied team to begin making war reparations on 1st January, with interest on the $300bn backdated to 1945.
Along with Germany the other Axis powers, Italy and Japan, will be awarded permanent seats upon the UN Security Council replacing Russia, China and United Kingdom. France will become the 5th Republic and handed over to Marie Le Penn, the heir to the Vici Regime while the United States will remain under the Trump who it is believed would be viewed as a ‘tad mental’ even by the Third Reich. There will be continuity within the UK, but with Princess Beatrice and Eugenie being declared co regents until Boris Johnson grows up. When asked about her meddling with British dynastic politics Angela Merkel shrugged and replied ‘why not’.
From 25th December all history books will be judged void and will be reprinted with the German interpretation of events. The Deutschmark will replace the Euro, Rouble and Pound, becoming the only legal currency within Europe. Brexit will become Brenter, with the British Parliament and Supreme Court moved to Belgium to enable the country to be truly governed by Brussels.
The Queen is thought to be pleased that the nation of her families heritage won the Second World War and will return to be known as Elizabeth Sax Kohlberg Goethe.
Following on from the EU referendum and Brexit it has been decided that Chesterfield University Hospitals will detach itself from any relationship with the town of Chesterfield, refusing to treat those residing in this rotten carbuncle at the centre of England.
“Chesterfield voted solidly to leave the European Union so why should its residents benefit from the services of nurses, doctors and midwifes we’ve poached from EU nations” Dr David Chivers told journalists as he stood at the newly erected boarder checkpoint.
Anyone treated in Chesterfield University Hospitals will have to prove their place of residence does not have a Chesterfield postcode. Anyone utilizing the local dialect such as calling lunch ‘snap’, suggesting people are ‘nesh’ or delusionally suggesting that Chesterfield Football Club are ‘by far the greatest team the world have ever seen’ will experience enhanced checks.
The boarder between Chesterfield and Chesterfield University Hospitals will be patrolled by Officer Wieloch, whose regime of shoot to kill is not official policy but is accepted practice as it reduces the number of casualties attending A&E while providing a steady stream of fresh organs for transplantation.
Sweat the Small Stuff
Is you department filled with niggling irksome issues? Chesterfield University Hospitals will dedicate next week to resolving them in its ‘Sweat the Small Stuff’ initiative.
This initiative will involve taking the smaller, easily bullied, members of staff and utilizing the motivators of fear and actual violence as an enabler; with these diminutive members of the workforce performing minor repairs, tedious filing or cleaning the men’s toilets pro bona.
“I am English therefor I have won the lottery of life” declared Dr David Chivers, “and as we can no longer exploit the colonies we shall exploit the dwarfs!”