Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12/01/17

 

Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day

In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.

Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.

Other measures that have been implemented include:

  • A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
  • Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
  • Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
  • Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.