Extracts from advance copies of George Osborne’s Budge Speech…
- Being a government that listen’s Michael Gove has paid attention to the teaching profession and will announce the abolition of ‘Free Schools’. All schools will now charge up to £1000 per annum per child raising an estimated £1bn; used to lower the top rate of tax from 50p to 20p.
- Following the success of the car scrapage scheme a similar, Lib Dem scrapage scheme, will be implemented with constituencies able to trade in their Liberal Democrat MP for a Conservative with 5000 majority.
- As a trial of proposed plans to put transport infrastructure into private hands the road outside Richards Dawkins house will be managed by the Faith Alliance , making the militant atheist pay a toll £5 if he wants to enter or leave his abode. Monies collected to be used in funding ‘Ark Encounter’; a creationist museum including scale replica of dinosaurs boarding Noah’s Ark.
- Instead of a financial transaction tax, or ‘Robin Hood Tax’ as the wishy washy lefties on the opposition benches call it, from June of this year a Facebook Post Tax will be implemented; every wall post or like will incur a £0.01 fee. Last year 18million users in the UK posted an average of 500 posts and likes raising the exchequer £90 million pounds; earmarked to further subsidize Westminster’s bars and restaurants.
- A healthy worker is a better, happier, worker thus those working in the public sector will be required to spend an hour a day running on a treadmill; this energy utilized to generate electricity for public buildings with savings passed on to the public through lower council tax bills. Any public sector employee earning over £50,000 will be exempt from this scheme as their time is too valuable.
- A mansion tax to be implemented with all properties taxed an additional £10 to fund the purchase a new official residence for the Chancellor of the Exchequer, or Chatsworth House.
- Anyone earning over £50,000 or possessing land to the sum of £1 million will be allowed to whip or beach those whose annual salary is less than the national average, currently £22637.
- Gays and Lesbians to be allowed to marry but in the furnaces of coal power stations thus allowing them to briefly feel the fires of hell before expiring and being sent their for real.