Tag Archives: Boris Johnson

by

Evidence Exists PM Tried to get Top Job for Carrie Fisher

Growing calls have been raised into Boris Johnson’s grip on reality as evidence surfaces he tried to secure Foreign Office job for Carries Fisher. The PM believd Princess Leia was Brexit Rebel and not a leading a rebellion against a tyrannical Empire. It is also unsure if Mr Johnson is aware that Princess Leia is work of fiction and Carrie Fisher, who played the character, died in 2016.

“I want her, in 1977 she was pwor, in 2022 she’ll still be pwor! Get that Princess in the FO to lead my FU campaign against the sprouts in Brussels”  

Further  audio recordings of the Prime Minister go on to show he mocks his colleague ‘Me sir Dominic Raab, me sir Liz Truss’, comparing them to the buffoonish and much hated Jar Jar Binks in cabinet meetings. Unnervingly in a candid conversation between Matt Handcock and Rishi Sunak recording show that the Prime Minister screams ‘You’re all clear kid, lets blow this thing and go home’ when reaching climax, something the Chancellor has asked the Prime Minister to cry less vocally as it often wakes his children in number 11.    

Advertisement
by

Boris Johnson has Reached a Turning Point on Climate Change

In 20 days world leaders will gather for what will be a “turning point for Boris Johnson” the Prime Minster announced in a speech to the United Nations.

He warned humanities actions have caused inevitable global temperature rises but called on Boris Johnson to commit to major changes to curb further warming.

Four areas need tackling he told the UN assembly, “firstly Boris Johnson must stop overpopulating the earth by having more children and my ex wife has suggested castration; something Carrie Simmons agrees with. Thirdly he must stop talking, nothing more needs to be said in that prattling voice. Lastly Boris Johnson must consume Michael Gove for the sake of humanity in a finial meal before going vegan”.

“It’s time for Boris Johnson to grow up,” he added, “and learn to count”.

The prime minister also said it was time to listen to the warnings of scientists. “We should stop listening to experts, instead we should listen to people who’ve dedicated their lives to studying a topic instead of doyens of the comment pages; an abode Boris Johnson knows so well”.

The Prime Minister praised Boris Johnson installing a British made wood burning stove, in which the oven ready Brexit deal was baked.  

The prime minister also said Boris Johnson did not see a conflict between the green movement and capitalism, saying that: “As a descendant of may dead people Boris Johnson has inherited sufficient financial and cultural capital not to give a fXXk”.

“We have the tools for a green industrial revolution but time is desperately short and does Boris Johnson have the brain to clasp this opportunity,” he added.

Elsewhere the Boris Johnson made a series of calls for action including:

-Donald Trump should cover the world in more carbon capturing golf courses.

-David Cameron should stop breathing and polluting the world with CO2.

-Commended cyclist Lance Armstrong for his clean living and healthy outdoor lifestyle.

-A call to arms to burn all the worlds coal now, so it won’t pollute the world later. A recent report from UN scientists warned that global temperatures have risen faster since 1970 than at any point in the past 2,000 years. “Wooohooo” announced Boris Johnson, stripping half naked to bask in the unusually mild autumnal weather.

by

Boris Johnson: Balls will Waltz into my Cabinet.

ed-news

He’d Never Be Voted Off Strictly Govern UK says Johnson!  

Strictly Star Ed Balls would salsa into government if Boris Johnson became Prime Minister sources close to the Foreign Secretary told journalists yesterday.

The unnamed source said that the former Labour front bencher and TV dancing sensation would be offered a peerage, with Lord Balls of the Blackpool Empress Ballroom becoming the government spokesperson for the Trade and Development.

An economist by training, having lectured at both Harvard and Oxford, Balls will be tasked with injecting some cha cha cha into the British economy with a fiscal jive, making Britain great again and putting a spring back into our quick step.

“It won’t be a balls up when Ed’s finished, even Craig Revel Horwood will award his puffed out Paso Doble of prosperity 10 points!” this source is claimed to have said.