Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.