Chesterfield University Hospital News 13.10.16

Homebirth Team Dismembered

Following a typographical error the Rosie Gamgee Maternity Hospitals Homebirth team were ripped, limb from limb by a pack of feral junior doctors. The hospitals intention was to disband this team due to short sighted cost cutting measures but due to a spelling mistake and over reliance upon auto correct the Head of Midwifery accidently ordered the team dismemberment.

Her senior team of brutalised, bullied and servile drones carried out the Head of Midwiferies orders to the letter, refusing to question this drastic course of action following the ‘incident’ when a dissenting student midwife disappeared.

Due to staff shortages the scheduled minute silence to remember the Homebirth team will be shortened to a seconds silence at 11.35, if anyone can be bothered.

CEO Delivers Autumn Lecture to Staff

 In a rambling and often incoherent speech Dr David Chivers delivered his Autumn Lecture to selected staff, covering topics such as his love of Donald Trump, private health care and the colour purple

 Most controversially was his call for a global jihad against NASA for its sustained and unremitting assault upon heaven. “Repeated attacks, firing so called ‘space rockets’ into gods paradise in the clouds shall not stand” Dr Chivers told the audience. He further elaborated that the moon landings were scouting missions for a full blown invasion, that was imminent utilizing the international space station as a staging post.

 “Only through jihad can we stop NASA assaulting heaven in their unrelenting conquest, they’ve subjugated Earth through the proliferation of non-stick pans and now their seek to seize Gods eternal Kingdom!”

 When asked to comment NASA stated that it was dedicated to the peaceful exploration of space and expanding human knowledge, to this Dr Chivers stated “Humbug” and started live tweeting the rooting out of a particularly bothersome bogie while searching for Tony Blair on Grinder.


Sepp Blatter to Become Greek President

Former FIFA boss Sepp Blatter has become the new president of Greece in a shock announcement.

The disgraced head of footballs governing body has pledged to donate ‘A large pile of used $100 bills’ his maid found in a brown paper bags behind the sofa. This is not a complicated money laundering operation Blatter confirmed and has nothing to do with the FBI investigating his affairs but being a head of state provides some degree of diplomatic immunity which he described as being ‘useful’.

In addition Blatter pledged to tackle the rampant corruption and fraud rampant in the Greek economy, “I am an expert in these fields, I understand the mindset of those who wish to cheat the system for personal gain” he told a press conference from his lavish presidential palace. After providing journalists with a Champaign reception the new president showed details of his economic recovery plan, which mostly involved renaming the Acropolis the ‘Nike Zone’, a temple devoted to the Goddess of Victory and High Performance Sports Wear.