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Sunak ‘Confident’ Can Get Car Up and Running

Prime minister sure he can lead family on trip to Legoland during Easter Holiday despite numerous setbacks.

‘I am committed to taking the children on the Dragon Ride and walking through the Miniland with his wife’ Sunak told journalists ‘This is important for the family, all I need to do is work out how to start the car and make the short drive to Windsor’.

Sunaks repeated attempts to get the car up and running have failed due to loosing keys, losing his way politically and losing his height boosting shoes required to make sure he’s tall enough to get on the rides.

The Prime Minister and his family are currently trapped in the stationary family car as Sunak refuses to relinquish driving duties despite being unsure what pedal does what in the automatic car. His children have asked him to step aside and let someone else have a go at leading the Legoland bound party, but Sunak has refused.

Its is reported that Penny Mordaunt has offered to help out, but she has publicly denied this.

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News in Thong!

Like news in brief but even shorter!

Historians studying the Royal Archives at Highgrove discovered Queen Victoria had 17 Husbands during her reign. Some of these husbands were other peoples and not her own. On 14th May 1854 she entertained six husbands in her Balmoral boudoir and afterwards informed Prime Minster Disraeli ‘One is not amused, one is sexually sated’.

According to this years A Level History Syllabus the ‘Diet of Worms’ was where Martin Luther and Charles V agreed to eat nought but protein rich wriggly creatures to loose weight, embarking on the first recorded Akins Diet. The Department of Education publicly claimed that hackers were responsible but trusted sources within the department blame Michael Gove.

Nine out of Ten Americans over the age of 40 believe that Chris Columbus discovered the Americas while having a break in the filming of Harry Potter and Philosophers Stone. Until the early 2000’s the continent was unknow to anyone beyond some vague references in Viking sagas and Hollywood movies.

In another colossal error of judgement The Post Office celebrated ‘World Forgiveness Day’ by releasing a stamp of Alan Bates and Paula Venelles embraced in a passionate kiss. Initially the Post Office claimed it was an undoctured photo on the stamp until journalists pointed out the obviously AI generated image included two people, six arms and Paula Venelles having the tongue of a viper.

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Message to Headteachers within the Union of Socialist School Academies

Dear Comrades

As Supreme Leader it was good to see a number of my serfs at this week’s GEF and I look forward to some again at the Southern GEF shortly. There is no Northern GEF, I do not sully my immortal soul by visiting the north; being more than 45 minutes away from Harrods triggers anxiety attacks.  If you don’t know what a GEF is you will never know, we’ll never explain it nor will you be invited.

USSA Learning Leadership Symposium – All Heads

Invitations to the USSA Learning Leadership Symposium have been sent by email, attendance is voluntary but nonattendance will result banishment to Chesterfield and there employed as menial kitchen staff at Newbold Communsit School. The agenda must be memorised in advance but will not be distributed until three days after the symposium.

Retention of Payments – Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers

As Supreme Leader I am all knowing and those whose forte threatens my ego are to be penalised, a 10% know it all surcharge will be levied on salary payments for Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers. Biology is viewed to be an arts subject and not a true science thus unimportant.

Supreme Leader Update

Three days ago my coffee had LSD added to it by subversive forces. Tripping the light fantastic meetings were held with a dozen kumquats, Marvin Gaye and the essence of Nostalgia which was highly entertaining. Despite this entertaining experience perpetrators of future attacks upon my reality will be met with unremitting force, preferably gravity as they fall from Beachy Head.

International Fart Competition – All Secondary Heads (For information)

I am aware that many believe this to be a lot of hot air but The International Fart Competition 2024 is now open.  It is open to all United Socialist School pupils aged 15-18, with the winning entrant’s gargantuan guff receiving an all-expenses paid trip to Japan to see the Flatulence University Campus Kyoto, where research into tremendous trumps rivals that of the former US Presidents.

Safer Internet Day 6th February 2024

The Truth Team have prerecorded videos to be played to staff and students with regards to safe, responsible, and positive use of digital technology. Only Truth Team approved apps and websites are permitted.

Both staff and students must promptly provide access to all devices upon request by a member of the Leadership Conclave, Truth Team member or a schools Deacon of Enlightenment. If the use of unpermitted digital technologies or websites is identified the person will be summarily exiled to the caldera of Mount Etna, being an active volcano it`ll be a warm welcome.

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Order of the Phoenix Lose Second Wizarding War After Potter Doping Confirmed

The Order of the Phoenix and associated groups such as Dumbledores Army have been stripped of its 1998 Second Wizarding War victory after Harry Potter failed a doping test the Ministry of Magic have confirmed.

It found that Harry Potter used the banned substance ‘Felix Felicis’, and is the biggest doping scandal in the wizarding world since Ilvermorny alumni Lance Armstrong used a supply of Strengthening Solutions during his 5 Tour de France victories.

Potter has blamed his failed test on erroneous advice from Hogwarts Teacher Horace Slughorn. However, under the strict liability rules of the Wizarding Anti-Doping Agency, that is no defence.

In a statement Potter said: “I accept WADAs decision with sadness. I would like to make it clear that I unknowingly consumed a banned substance this was the reason why an anti-doping rule violation occurred. I sincerely regret that this has inadvertently led to the Order of the Phoenix’s  forfeiture of the Second Wizarding War. I would like to apologise to every Witch, Wizard and muggle alike for the impact which this has had on them. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life.”

The news means that the Death Eaters, led by Lord Voldemort, have been awarded the Second Wizarding War win. “Due to unscrupulous behaviour of drug cheat Harry Potter Lord Voldemort is no longer alive, Alecto and Amycus Carrow have been crowned victors and we now bow to their supreme authority” the new Minister of Magic Lucious Malfoy decreed after installing his son, Draco, as headmaster of Hogwarts.

All members of the Order of the Phoenix have been requested to report to Azkaban for internment, those who refuse this request will be hunted down with extreme prejudice. At Draco Malfoys request Ron Weasley has been pardoned as he poses no danger, even with wand in hand is armed but extremely useless, possessing the emotional range of a teaspoon and threat of kumquat.

Despite now living in a Death Eater dictatorship it has been observed that most of the United Kingdom have failed to notice anything unusual has occurred due to suffering from 12 years of Conservative government.

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Locals Brought Back to the Lake District

More than 200 captive-bred locals have been released at a secret location near Elsmere, a part of an attempt to create a thriving rural economy in Cumbria.

Locals have nearly been wiped out in many parts of the country due the lack of affordable housing and lack of jobs, with dwellings bought as second homes or converted into Air BnB’s.

This reintroduction is the first in the Lake District, with Locals given new homes at a temporary release glamping pen before being allocated residences after acclimatising to the local area.

 This release is the culmination of more than two years of work restoring community to Cumbria, a project that has included a campaign to ‘know thy neighbour’, replacing prevalence of ‘ignore thy neighbour and if they knock on the door turn the tele up/pretend you’re out’. ‘Love thy neighbour’ was briefly trialed but this was abandoned after a number of broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies and scandal when the priest married a parishioner and is now self-identifying as Catherine.

The project is managed by the Royal Society for the Protection of Commoners, according to the charity in the past century the population of locals has dropped from eight million to 132000, disappearing from 94% of the sites they’d previously occupied.

The RSPC was set up to lobby parliament with regards to field sports of Navvy Hunting and Serf Coursing and the shooting of labourers instead of paying them; common practice within the landed gentry. The push to escape these practices, along with the lack of rural employment and housing pulling commoners to the towns and cities has left Cumbria bereft of people to cook, clean and do menial jobs around the farm. This role was briefly filled with foreigners but thanks to voting overwhelming for Brexit the need for locals has been amplified.      

RSPB conservation scientist Dr Ashely Lyons said locals had become a “missing piece” of this landscape.

“Through their toils the local echo system works, they’re an important part of the chain enabling the lives of the privileged. It’s fabulous to see them back here.”

“It was exciting to set them free in the Cumbrian landscape”, Dame Eva Greaves, from the Westbourne Estate said, “its lovely to see locals back where they should be”. It is believed that Dame Eva will be providing accommodation and jobs for acclimatised locals, promising not to shoot, injure or maim any unlike her ancestors where ‘old Bessie’, an ancient blunderbuss, has over 50 kill notches upon its butt.  

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Nadine Dorries not doing MP’s job properly, says Sub Prime Rishi Sunak

Prime minister Rishi Sunak told journalists from the News of the World ‘Nadine Dorries’s constituents are not being properly represented’, the former culture secretary ‘isn’t doing her job properly’.

“I should recognise incompetence, given its something I do well” said the Prime Mister to the group of year 7 students who he’d mistook for journalists representing a now defunct newspaper. He later revealed his governmental email password to be ‘Rishi1234’ in response to a question for something he’d done which was really stupid in 2023.

Nadine Dorris announced in June she was standing down as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with immediate effect and Mr Sunak was surprised to hear she was still an MP, ’Is she, that’s not good is it, you’d think she’d do what she said she’d do…but who am I to speak?’ he told the students before acknowledging that the Conservative Party would be using ChatGPT to write the 2024 manifesto.  

Ms Dorries, whose salary as an MP is £86,584,has not spoken in the Commons since June 2022,  Rishi Sunak admitted that he wished he had a similar record.  He also expressed a wish he’d never appeared on Countdown last week, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer telling Colin Murry he’d no idea how to reach the target score of 500 with the numbers 5, 100, 10, 4 and 1.

A Boris Johnson loyalist Ms Dorries accused Mr Sunak of removing her name from the former PM’s resignation honours list but Rishi Sunak has refuted this stating Boris Johnson desired for Andy Pandy, Andy Grey, Andy Peters and Andy Bell to be elevated to the Lords with Ms Doris was to become a knight of the Kingsguard, Boris Johnson having mistaken ‘A Game of Thrones’ with reality and given numerous allies various fictional honours. Jacob Reece Mogg was more then happy to be the Hand of the Former Prime Minister, personally ensuring Mr Johnson had suitable stress relief during the comings and goings of life post parliament.

Mr Sunak  is also to publish a book titled ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Colin Cucumber in the Downing Street Allotment’, a thriller for children ghost written by Baldrick.

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Ten Million Bots join Twitter Rival

Threads announces 10 million and one users sign up in first seven hours since launch, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg states majority AI Bots with the only human users being him, Stephen Fry and Tom from Myspace.

Zuckerberg pitched the app as a rival to Twitter, that has been creatively despoiled by Elon Musk since October

“Threads already has almost 10 million Bots trolling all unsundry, more than Twitter! Musk is a looser, can’t wait to pummel walrus face with the Meta Elbow! Can you smell what the Zuckerburg is cooking”

This turned out to be nothing as at point Zuckerberg’s mum called him home for tea for pot roast.

Earlier, Mark Zuckerberg said keeping the platform “friendly… will ultimately be the key to its success. Basically trolls are not allowed to swear, invoke Nazi Germany or discuss which way the jam and butter goes on a cream tea”.

Elon Musk responded “You sit there and you thump alone to your Instagram account and say your prayers to big boobies…it don’t get you anywhere! Talk about your Facebook, talk about Meta 3:16… Musk 3:16 says I gonna whip your ass!”

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MayBot V2: Liz Truss

MayBot was created to clear up the mess of Brexit, it sprang to life with a whirr, clunk, clang and gave us strong and stable satire for two glorious years. MayBot 2: Liz Truss has outdone all the exploits of her predecessors in four weeks of dark satire, the joke being on the British people who’ll live through and with the after effects of brutal economic shock. We thought BoJoShitShow was bad but he’s already been surpassed. We now hanker for the grey, shirt in his pants, John Major and even consider Jeremy Hunt isn’t the worst Health Secretary in living memory. Somehow,  in a fortnight, we’ve hit a new nadir but have we reached the bottom of this rapid descent? How long till Squib Games replaces Strictly? I look forward to Jacob Rees Mog telling adolescent tributes of North, Midlands, South, Wales and Scotland “May the odds be ever in your favour.”

Or maybe the workers of the world will unite, and replace the status quo with something better? If there is a time for this bogus journey to end, for the Wild Stallions to unite the world its now. Bill and Ted we implore you to take us on an excellent adventure!

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Evidence Exists PM Tried to get Top Job for Carrie Fisher

Growing calls have been raised into Boris Johnson’s grip on reality as evidence surfaces he tried to secure Foreign Office job for Carries Fisher. The PM believd Princess Leia was Brexit Rebel and not a leading a rebellion against a tyrannical Empire. It is also unsure if Mr Johnson is aware that Princess Leia is work of fiction and Carrie Fisher, who played the character, died in 2016.

“I want her, in 1977 she was pwor, in 2022 she’ll still be pwor! Get that Princess in the FO to lead my FU campaign against the sprouts in Brussels”  

Further  audio recordings of the Prime Minister go on to show he mocks his colleague ‘Me sir Dominic Raab, me sir Liz Truss’, comparing them to the buffoonish and much hated Jar Jar Binks in cabinet meetings. Unnervingly in a candid conversation between Matt Handcock and Rishi Sunak recording show that the Prime Minister screams ‘You’re all clear kid, lets blow this thing and go home’ when reaching climax, something the Chancellor has asked the Prime Minister to cry less vocally as it often wakes his children in number 11.    

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Who will be next to take on the keys to the Tardis?

Matchin Tendulker Announced st Next Doctor

The name of the actor who will replace Jodie Whittaker has been announced, the new lead actor in Doctor Who will be Matchin Tendulker, voice of the sea and 13th coolest person in Bristol.

Whittakers replacement, the 14th Doctor of the TV series, was revealed during todays episode of the Tailenders Podcast, in which this shoe salesman became famous before global fame designing quizzes for the BBC.

The casting decision has been a priority for the show’s new creative team, led by executive producers Greg James and James Anderson, with Alan Lamb announced as the Doctors new assistant along with movie veteran Sandra Bullock.

James, head of Cheese Research at BBC Wales, said: “We believe the actor is going to bring something very special to the role, a certain height and unique heavy breathing acting style”.

The First 11 Doctors

1. William Hartnell

2. Patrick Troughton

3. Jon Pertwee

4. Tom Baker (pictured)

5. Peter Davison

6. Colin Baker

7. Sylvester McCoy

8. Paul McGann

9. Christopher Eccleston

10. David Tennant

11. Jack Leach

Murphy’s Law and Cold Feet star James Nesbitt emerged as one of the favorites, along with Paterson Joseph, John Simm and Felix White – who appeared in the 2008 Christmas special.

Devon Malcom, who recently starred in Survivors along with taking 9 for 57 against South Africa, has said “any actor would love the challenge” of playing the Time Lord.

Bookmakers made him an early favorite – offering odds of 3-1 on him becoming the first black Doctor.

Comedian Jennifer Saunders, former Doctor Who assistant Billie Piper and spicy England Opener Michael Vaughan have also been mentioned in connection with the role.

The show’s outgoing executive producer Shednado the Movie said last month: “Whoever becomes the Doctor has got to take on a whole life. It’s not just becoming a part of a TV show, it’ll shred your life and but they’ll go well, cheers.”