Growing calls have been raised into Boris Johnson’s grip on reality as evidence surfaces he tried to secure Foreign Office job for Carries Fisher. The PM believd Princess Leia was Brexit Rebel and not a leading a rebellion against a tyrannical Empire. It is also unsure if Mr Johnson is aware that Princess Leia is work of fiction and Carrie Fisher, who played the character, died in 2016.
“I want her, in 1977 she was pwor, in 2022 she’ll still be pwor! Get that Princess in the FO to lead my FU campaign against the sprouts in Brussels”
Further audio recordings of the Prime Minister go on to show he mocks his colleague ‘Me sir Dominic Raab, me sir Liz Truss’, comparing them to the buffoonish and much hated Jar Jar Binks in cabinet meetings. Unnervingly in a candid conversation between Matt Handcock and Rishi Sunak recording show that the Prime Minister screams ‘You’re all clear kid, lets blow this thing and go home’ when reaching climax, something the Chancellor has asked the Prime Minister to cry less vocally as it often wakes his children in number 11.
British Workers Shunned as Darth May Uses Ewoks to Build Death Star
Following Brexit and the reestablishment of the Empire Darth May pledged to reenergise the British Economy through an ambitious programme of capital investment, with the building of a supermassive space station able to destroy a planet being the centrepiece.
Following an investigation the Daily Moron revealed that the Death Star contract has been awarded to Bespin Cloud City, with it then being subcontracted to the Hutt Corp; a shadowy organisation registered in the offplanet taxhaven of Tatooine. Despite assurances that these capital projects would be built by British workers it’s been exposed that Ewoks have been used. These furry muppets in space working unpaid after being ordered to construct the spacestation by C3-P0, who they consider to be a god.
Labour Leader Obi Wan Corbin called this a ‘scandal, never before has there been a greater den of scum and villainy than the Conservative Party’, while UKIP Leader Jabba the Hutt was quoted as saying ‘this is sound business sense, getting the best deal for my bank balance…sorry for the county’ before suggesting that anyone who disagreed with him should feel his ‘rancours bite!’
In a statement to Parliament Darth May told MP’s that the Death Star will enable the British Empire to take its place on the top table, along with Grand Moff Trump and Chancellor Merkel. The recently retired aircraft carrier HMS Illustrious will be replaced by a fleet of Star Detroyers to ‘enable Britania to rule the waves, skys and space but anyone who wants Naboo and its bloody Gungans can jolly well have them!’
Anonymous sources within Apple Corp have revealed that Darth Jobs is set to launch iSaber 5 in July. This will be similar the iSaber 4 in design with its standard single plasma blade but is thought to have an 8 gigapixel digital camera along with 60tb cloud MP3 player.
Compatible both with Microsoft THX1138 and Gungan Chrome operating systems the iSaber 5’s OP3c processor will double its power output enabling practitioners of the force unparalleled cutting power while maintaining Holonet connection; assume this is to ensure not a single tweet is missed despite being in mid combat.
It revolutionary ‘Kaleidoscope’ crystal sets facilitate a rainbow of blade colors, sources claim that the iSaber 5 will even feature a red blade setting ‘for when a Jedi wants to get Sith with their opponents ass’ and as a novelty fancy dress prop.
Expected to retail for 60000 credits it should be within most Jedi’s price range is expected to be this summers must have accessory.