Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.

“I Quit” Fulgrim Reveals

Fulgrim, Primarch of the Emperors Children, has announced his retirement to spend more time gardening.

Speaking from deep within the Eye of Terror Fulgrim told a packed press conference that since the Emperors Death he’d become more and more detached from his life of debauched excess and brutalising the Imperium.

“Last week I woke up from sixty day orgy and decided enough was enough, casting aside the ten thousand nubile Dark Eldar slave girls and vowing to abstain from that day on and become a humble gardener” the daemon prince told the assembled journalists.

The former bioengineered superhuman and now arch acolyte of Slaanesh then provided samples of his wholesome produce, feeding the press hand grown cucumbers, bananas, pears and melons while nearby deamonettes made childish innuendos until banished.

In addition Fulgrim will be founding the Abbey Clinic, a place of solemn self-restraint, to assist traitor marines and cultists turn from the path of interminable pleasure and intemperance towards one of piety and humble virtue. Hoping one day to terraform Chemos and make it a verdant green and pleasant land once more

UK Braces For Extreme Weather This Weekend

In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.

Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.

“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.

Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of  Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.

University of Chesterfield: Newsletter 92

Message from the Regis

You’re all not me nor as rich as me…plebs!

£50 Awarded to Create World Leading Water Boiling Facilities

The University of Chesterfield has been granted the prestigious PG Tips Foundation Invigoration Award, promoting first class tea drinking within academia. A team, led by Chaplain Stephen Faizer, will work to read online reviews of all mid-priced kettles then utilizing this insightful data to purchase the best kettle two ‘ponies’ can buy; ensuring all university staff are refreshed though out the day.

Dr David Chivers, Emeritus Professor of Apathy and Stuff said “This award means this university will, well, yeah, whatever, words, stuff”.

Farewell to Professor Jones – Retracted

Last week we said goodbye to Ernest Jones, Professor of Imaginary, Illusory and Fantastical Medicine. We would like to retract this fond farewell, Professor Jones has not left the University of Chesterfield but was not seen for the last 3 month after falling down the back of the sofa.

Only when the sofa was received it annual hoovering were Ernest Jones’ cries for help heard, having survived on a diet of half sucked boiled sweets and discarded peanuts.

Also behind the sofa was three sets of keys, the Bursars dried frog pills and a Holy Grail that a group of irritating Frenchmen had hidden to prevent it reaching the hands of King Arthur and his stupid English knigarts.

‘Cyclists Pollution’ Worse than Diesel Cars

The smug sense of superiority and air of superiority given off by cyclists has been linked to 100000 deaths per year according to a new study by the Cambridge University Newtonian Transport School (anacynim redacted).

 

The haughty conceited vapours cyclists emit is a significant pollutant causing considerable harm to the brains of white van drivers,  warping their moral compass’ resulting in unpredictable and perilous piloting of these vehicles.

 

Drivers under the influence of these clouds of self-righteous ethers have been discovered to cause an increased number of accidents, following the 2012 Olympic velodrome success the problem exponentially expanded as more people took to the road on bicycles. The study concluded that only by banning the bicycle can the roads be made safe.

 

The anacynim redacted study was funded the Jeremy Clarkson’s FCUK Caravan and Cycle Owners Foundation and has been independently verified by that cracking bunch of lads, the UK Independence Party; whose policy for the reintroduction of hunting with hounds to control deer, foxes and cyclists in no way swayed their judgement.

News in Brief

World Book Day  

Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd  stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.

Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.

Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech

Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his  controllers provide him.

International Crisis – Trump Threatens to Execute Paul Hollywood for Treason!

breaking-news

Filming of this series of the Great British Bake Off goes international with the contestants attempting challenging bakes in places such as the White House lawn, the Taj Mahal and Dudley.

During the USA episode guest judge Donald Trump repeatedly mocked three female contestant posteriors, describing them as the ‘soggy bottom brigade’ despite requests for him to stop. Eventually an exasperated Paul Hollywood lost patience and floored the president with a single punch. Secret Service agents stepped in to protect Trump but not before the master baker had violently kneaded the presidents groin, screaming ‘You misogynistic pussy grabbing c**t!’

The contestants had just been set the challenge of baking a gingerbread wall able to thwart illegal immigration while retaining a crisp when the altercation occurred. Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, who’d replaced Mel and Sue as hosts for the Great British Bake Off, were heard to say “How do you attack the President of the USA, you just attack the President of the USA”  and almost joined in the assault with battle baguettes, bread suitable for striking and sandwiches, until the camera crew stopped the pair telling them “He’s not worth it”.

Donal Trump later tweeted that “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE NATION IS UNDERTHREAT FROM FAKE NEWS BBC AND PAUL HOLLYWOOD. I WILL SEEK THE DEATH PENALTY FOR TREASON!” It is also expected that the reactionary president will attempt to reinstate the immigration ban that was suspended by the federal courts, with the United Kingdom added to the list of majority Muslim Middle Eastern countries .

Paul Hollywood now has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay and awaits trial, its unknown if Trump will press for capital punishment. The Nobel Committee has presented  celebrity chef with an extraordinary Nobel Peace Prize citing that ‘No other act of Violence has brought hope and happiness to world, this while assailing the root of instability and conflict within the world’.

Trump links Warhammer World with Unreported Terrorism

img_1926Donald Trump’s claims that the media is covering up terrorist attacks committed by fundamentalists followed his reading of the Warhammer 40K Wiki and believing it to be real, Wikipedia being the Presidents second choice for authoritative information on a subject after The Onion.

Speaking to military leaders, Mr Trump said: “It’s gotten to a point where terrorism is not even being reported. Has the Washington Post reported the Istvaan III Atrocity? No! Has the New York Times reported the Istvaan III Atrocity? Thousands died and the media is filled with lies and fake news!”

The President seems to have failed to separate fact from fiction, refusing to accept that the grim dark world of Warhammer 40K is nothing but the imagination of Nottingham based games company Games Workshop.

“Istvaan III is somewhere near Afghanistan, controlled by China, you understand that” Trump informed military leaders and when unable to locate the country in an atlas dismissed it as a “Fake Obama map” then started drawing his own which included notes such as ‘Nuke Mr Tumble’, ‘Here be TellyTubbies’ and ‘Donald and Malinda Love Iggle Piggle’ confirming reports that the President relaxes watching British preschool television.

Also included in Trumps map were the North African nation of Mordor, a British Isles that disturbingly looked like a penis and Oceania being an unrecognisable scribble with ‘Lalala, I can’t get Kylies bum out of my head’ below it.

The White House also released a list of attacks they felt “did not receive adequate attention from Western media sources”, the list includes many erroneous historical events that predate the printing press. “Did CNN send journalists to report the Muslim attacks on the Roman Empire? NO!” Sean Spicer told the media in his daily briefing, citing this as evidence to support his case.

Trump has also begun attributing quotes by the Space Wolves Primarch to Vladimir Putin, with sources within the White House suggesting that the President believes the Russian Premier and Leman Russ being one and the same.

BREXIT IN THE HANDS OF GOD…

Well a Priest Anyhow…

A shock supreme court decision declared Teresa May will be unable to trigger Article 50, to leave the European Union, without express permission from Stephen Griffiths. Unbeknown to most the European Harmony Act 1984 included statute 7, ‘No attempt to leave the European Economic Area or successive organization may occur without consent of Harold Godwinsons heir, true successor to the crown of England; forsaking the yoke of Gilliam the Bastard and his Norman usurpers’.

This statute was added to the act by Kenneth Clarke following a wild night in Soho, while drinking in the Coach and Horses Peter O’Toole bet the then junior minister the pricy sum of £10 that he could not get ‘Gilliam the Bastard’ into an Act of Parliament.

Following extensive genealogical research and DNA testing it was confirmed that the oldest living male heir to Harold Godwinson is hospital Chaplin Stephen Griffith who, when contacted with this news, formally submitted a claim to the thrones of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland but he does not want Berwick Upon Tweet ‘Because I’m a contrary bastard and when I visited there in 2008 I got stung by a wasp’. Enacting the ancient tradition of ‘Trial by Combat’ the Stephen is scheduled to fight the Queen, with this cultural event broadcast live on BBC4.

In addition Stephen Griffith has insisted that he be announced as the new Doctor, replacing Peter Capaldi, with Karen Gilliam returning as his companion to help with his sonic screwdriver.

Being a member of the Church of England Stephen will officially ‘sit on the fence’ and is refusing to take a position on Brexit, only after 100 years and numerous synods will a decision be taken whether to allow the United Kingdom to leave the European Union.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12/01/17

 

Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day

In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.

Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.

Other measures that have been implemented include:

  • A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
  • Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
  • Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
  • Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.