Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.
It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.
Guardians of the Galaxy
Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.
Is there a Doctor in the Building
Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.
It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.
A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers. Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.
Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.
Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.
Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.
This Hospital is Not an Shortcut
Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.
Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.
To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.
Staff Bank Drop in Session
All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00
The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.
A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.
Fulgrim, Primarch of the Emperors Children, has announced his retirement to spend more time gardening.
Speaking from deep within the Eye of Terror Fulgrim told a packed press conference that since the Emperors Death he’d become more and more detached from his life of debauched excess and brutalising the Imperium.
“Last week I woke up from sixty day orgy and decided enough was enough, casting aside the ten thousand nubile Dark Eldar slave girls and vowing to abstain from that day on and become a humble gardener” the daemon prince told the assembled journalists.
The former bioengineered superhuman and now arch acolyte of Slaanesh then provided samples of his wholesome produce, feeding the press hand grown cucumbers, bananas, pears and melons while nearby deamonettes made childish innuendos until banished.
In addition Fulgrim will be founding the Abbey Clinic, a place of solemn self-restraint, to assist traitor marines and cultists turn from the path of interminable pleasure and intemperance towards one of piety and humble virtue. Hoping one day to terraform Chemos and make it a verdant green and pleasant land once more
In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.
Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.
“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.
Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.
Message from the Regis
You’re all not me nor as rich as me…plebs!
£50 Awarded to Create World Leading Water Boiling Facilities
The University of Chesterfield has been granted the prestigious PG Tips Foundation Invigoration Award, promoting first class tea drinking within academia. A team, led by Chaplain Stephen Faizer, will work to read online reviews of all mid-priced kettles then utilizing this insightful data to purchase the best kettle two ‘ponies’ can buy; ensuring all university staff are refreshed though out the day.
Dr David Chivers, Emeritus Professor of Apathy and Stuff said “This award means this university will, well, yeah, whatever, words, stuff”.
Farewell to Professor Jones – Retracted
Last week we said goodbye to Ernest Jones, Professor of Imaginary, Illusory and Fantastical Medicine. We would like to retract this fond farewell, Professor Jones has not left the University of Chesterfield but was not seen for the last 3 month after falling down the back of the sofa.
Only when the sofa was received it annual hoovering were Ernest Jones’ cries for help heard, having survived on a diet of half sucked boiled sweets and discarded peanuts.
Also behind the sofa was three sets of keys, the Bursars dried frog pills and a Holy Grail that a group of irritating Frenchmen had hidden to prevent it reaching the hands of King Arthur and his stupid English knigarts.