Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door

Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door

“Jesus saves…”

“I know how does. Am worried he might not be taking up his full tax free ISA allowance, I mean if he maximizes his return on his investments he’ll save even more”.

“?????”

I then offered to show them my signed copy of ‘Deuteronomy’, both decided they needed to be somewhere else.;  shame as I was looking forward to discussing social economic determinates in neo anarchist, antidisestablishmentarianist, meerkat communities as set out in Mark 9:42.

Musings on God…

I started wondering of if God has ever ‘backed up’ the Earth? Basically in his infinite wisdom has the Lord made a copy of this planet we live upon (or maybe reality in its entirety) to facilitate smooth and easy recovery following corruption; like a global catastrophe such as ‘global warming’ or even the fall of man and original sin. Would probably be easier than having a massive flood obliterating the planet to be rebuilt in the vein of Noah and his ark bound menagerie.  

Maybe God has already has bought ‘Microsoft Reality Version 3.17’ which explains why the worlds so messed up? Also would explain the almighty casting Adam and Eve out of Eden; they had an apple

UK Dept Rapture

National debt ascends to heaven, God decrees Britain free from the yolk of usury.

 Following yesterdays crisis talking between the General Synod and leading members of the coalition government George Osborne stood on the steps of11 Downing Streetand declared ‘We shall have solvency in our time!’

 Later Rowen Williams told assembled dignitaries in Westminster Abby that the ‘Almighty, in his divine wisdom, has absolved theUnited Kingdom of its national debt. These green and pleasant lands will no longer be blighted by usury, today we build Jerusalem’.

 At 17.49 GMT banks, data centres and stock markets became shrouded in light and by God divine will all records of UK government bonds departed these earthly realms with accounts fully settled in full. Additionly 100000 bottles of Buxton Water transmogrified into vintage claret, the physically and mentally sick languishing in NHS hospitals were cured,  free to enjoy this nations prosperity while BP oil engineers cast their ‘nets’ to the other side of the Piper oilfield and struck an estimated 40m tonnes of untapped oil along with 22 cubic kilometers of natural gas

 Speaking to the UN General Assembly David Cameron told shocked ambassadors and representatives that

“Casting my eyes upon that dread balance-sheet, contemplating our dangers with a disillusioned eye, I saw great reason for intense vigilance and exertion, but none whatever for panic or despair. During the first two years of the credit crunch we experienced nothing but disaster and disappointment. Now at the end of the third year our finances are more robust than ever, greater than that of the Germans, who had moved from one economic triumph to another. During this crisis we repeatedly asked ourselves the question, “How are we going to survive?” and no one was able ever to answer it with much precision, until at the end, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, our almighty decreed this nation to be free from the yolk of usury”

It later transpired that this was not the only recent divine intervention with the career of Bruce Forsyth regularly being resurrected, unlike the light entertainers hair which the Arch Bishop of Canterbury confirmed was a wig.

Ommission from Genesis

One great omission from Genesis was Adams first words to Eve… do you think the Bible might be viewed differently if it contained ‘Lo and the Lord did take out one of Adams ribs and from it he fashioned a woman, Eve. There standing before each other man and woman did stare until Adam spoke, ‘Get yer fig leaf lass, you’ve pulled’.

 9 months later Eve gave birth to Cain and was eternally bitter, not only was she forced into an arrowhead marriage (bit like a shotgun marriage but slightly more primitive) it turned out Adam was a liar as you could get pregnant if you did it standing up.

 What Adam thought no one knows, he was watching Sky Sports presented by two Neanderthals called Andy Gray and Richard Keys.