News in Brief

 Oxygen Causes Cancer!  

 Three breaths a day dramatically raises the odds of dying from cancer a major study claims.

 Data from 15000 deaths was analysed by the Cambridge Research unit of Applied Pathology (CRAP), of those nearly 7000 related to cancer. If those 7000 hadn’t breathed oxygen they wouldn’t have died of cancer was the shocking conclusion, clear evidence that cancer and the way we respire are intrinsically linked.  

 Inhaled oxygen, absorbed through the lungs, binds with erythrocytes in the body delivering fuel to carcinogenic cells allowing these cancers to multiply and spread.  

 Research linking carbon and cancer is on-going but initial findings suggest that we should move to caesium based organic life.

 Osborne Told ‘Ease the Squeeze’

 Sources close to Ed Miliband have revealed that Labour leader has sent 18 private memos to the chancellor asking him to ‘Ease the squeeze and be less vocal visiting the parliamentary lavatory’.

 Others state ‘Osborne, you may be full of shit but please don’t prove it day after day’, Mr Miliband has secretly laid blame for his parties failure to formulate an effective opposition due to the daily grunts, groans and screaming that accompany the Chancellors frequent and lengthy trips to the lavatory, which is adjacent to the Labour leaders office.

 George Osborne is unavailable for comment on the matter

Osborne rolls out £380 budget plan

George Osborne has unveiled a £380 budget which includes increased spending on Pedigree Chum but with sweeping cuts in all other areas.

 “Following the credit crunch it’s a dogs dinner out there so that’s what we’re preparing for’

The Chancellor claimed this to be the greenest budget ever with UK carbon emission reduced to a ‘Lot. of hot air, moaning and gossip following mass redundancy’. In addition all UK armed forces will be disbanded. The sweeping budget cuts were seen as a response to the drop in tax revenue from 1.2 million people who’ve lost their jobs since the recession began. ‘With 10% unemployment a mans got to do what a mans got to do, make tough decision and blame everything on the previous government’.

At this point Mr Osborne gestured to the lifesized cardboard cutout of Gordon Brown screaming, ‘Sweet Jesus you voted in Hitler… sorry Blair, got this wonky eyed numpty and look what happened!’

Without no armed forces issues ‘Since the Cold War ended we’ve gone out of our way to be nice to everyone and I don’t know why all disagreements cant be settled like gentleman over a glass of port and a game of Polo?’

Commitments in Afghanistan will be fulfilled by the UK’s answer to Rambo, Ross Kemp. The star of ‘Ultimate Force’ will single handedly bring peace to the war torn nation, after which he’ll solve inner city knife crime, rescue stranded British Citizens trapped in Luxemburg following is impending civil war and still have time to switch on the Blackpool illuminations come October.

The NHS will be funded by holding a series of ‘Big Society Raffles’, the first of which will be drawn on 14th April with a main prize of a seat at Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding reception. Other prizes will include dancing lessons with Vince Cable and a ‘Do Yourself Police Force Kit’ which includes full riot gear, pepper spray, hand cuffs and lessons on planting incriminating evidence on nonces, immigrants and Guardian readers.

Closing his budget speech George Osborne earmarked £100 for the state school system, ‘With this record investment I have the audacity to hope that the first book to be read in Dudley since 1984”.

Budget Cuts hit Schools Hard

 Due to budget cuts the three R’s have been reduced to the two R’s Michael Gove announced yesterday. From the start for the next academic year teachers will no longer be required to teach pupils how to read, oddly the only one of the three R’s actually beginning with R.

With a third cut from the education budget schools are under strain, and along with the rebuilding programme, reading has been scrapped. ‘Pupils will leave school illiterate which is little different to the current situation and at least we wont spend billions trying to succeed where we obviously fail’.

During this mornings Today Programme interview John Humphries challenged Michael Gove on the paradox that children wont understand what they are writing, the Education Minister responded by holding up his mobile phone displaying the message ‘LOL’.

Other plans include ‘Modern Apprenticeships’ where, from children the age of 5, will be taught a skill such as stitching footballs together and the ‘Open Schools’ Policy.

“Pupils will be taught in ‘Open Schools’; an environment free from the shackles of the traditional classroom with fields, car parks and tops of tower blocks facilitating real blue sky thinking. The resulting savings will allow every pupil to be issued with an umbrella to protect them from the extremes of weather”.

Savage cuts have hit other departments hard, in some case forcing them to merge. As Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has gained an expanded brief, in charge of the newly formed ‘Treasury, Work and Training’ or TWAT. Ed Milibands only comment on this matter was ‘C’est le vie, if the hat fits let the man wear it”.