News in Brief

 Oxygen Causes Cancer!  

 Three breaths a day dramatically raises the odds of dying from cancer a major study claims.

 Data from 15000 deaths was analysed by the Cambridge Research unit of Applied Pathology (CRAP), of those nearly 7000 related to cancer. If those 7000 hadn’t breathed oxygen they wouldn’t have died of cancer was the shocking conclusion, clear evidence that cancer and the way we respire are intrinsically linked.  

 Inhaled oxygen, absorbed through the lungs, binds with erythrocytes in the body delivering fuel to carcinogenic cells allowing these cancers to multiply and spread.  

 Research linking carbon and cancer is on-going but initial findings suggest that we should move to caesium based organic life.

 Osborne Told ‘Ease the Squeeze’

 Sources close to Ed Miliband have revealed that Labour leader has sent 18 private memos to the chancellor asking him to ‘Ease the squeeze and be less vocal visiting the parliamentary lavatory’.

 Others state ‘Osborne, you may be full of shit but please don’t prove it day after day’, Mr Miliband has secretly laid blame for his parties failure to formulate an effective opposition due to the daily grunts, groans and screaming that accompany the Chancellors frequent and lengthy trips to the lavatory, which is adjacent to the Labour leaders office.

 George Osborne is unavailable for comment on the matter

Miliband Wrestles Cameron over Spending Cuts

 Todays Prime Ministers Questions had to be abandoned after two questions, allowing paramedics to treat David Cameron who is in a critical condition following a blistering attack by the Labour Leader.

In response to the Conservative Leader stating that there was a ‘Thread of dishonesty’ in the Labour Parties spending proposals Ed Miliband rose from the opposition benches, eyeballed Mr Cameron and said ‘Outside now you Tory Bastard!”

The Tory leader responded with taunts that the Labour Leader was a ‘The stupid younger son’ and that his brother, David, was ‘more intelligent, more attractive and, from what he’d heard, better in bed than ickle red Ed’.

Ignoring the speakers demands to return to his seat Ed Miliband retorted ‘Let the red flag rise and your red blood be spilled. Workers of the unite, let class war begin!’

The stunned Tory leader was subjected to a series of wrestling moves that would not have been out of place from the WWE. At one point the Labor Leader reached into his dispatch box, removed drawing pins and spread them liberally over the Commons floor. To a cry of ‘Hell Yeah’ Ed Miliband tombstoned Mr Cameron and left the Commons Chamber leaving the Conservative leader a whimpering pin cushion.

Labor back benchers were seen to be holding ‘Miliband 3:16’ placards, rumors that there will be a ‘Bra and Panties’ match between Harriet Harman and Teresa May have been denied.