Tag Archives: Rishi Sunak

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“Say Thank You”, Robert Jenrick Demands Gratitude from Former Colonies.

Tory Leadership also ran Robert Jenrick stated Britains former colonies should be grateful for the legacy of empire, with leather and ironwork industries cited as something countries that were part of the British Empire developed in nations

“Yes we killed the indigenous population, then we killed slaves who did not accept they were our possessions but it wasn’t all bad” Robert Jenrick told GB News, “those countries developed industries around slavery that they benefit from today”. 

The leadership candidate then talked about how Michael Gove, despite usually backing British, furnished the Stephen Milligan Memorial Dungeon with high quality implements of detention and discipline purchased from Trinidad.

Jenrick also criticised the growing momentum to provide reparations and justice to countries and people affected by transatlantic slavery. “I have been a slave, I spent three years serving Mistress Braverman and this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Some of those transported to the colonies spent most of their lives having a similar experience; the lucky bastards!”

Commonwealth leaders believe that, firstly, the time has come for a conversation about slave trade reparations and secondly people like Robert Jenrick should to get a grip on reality. Its not “leftists peddling pseudo-Marxist gibberish to the impressionable, at the time Britain was shitty, cruel and a violent tyranny who decimated human lives by treating them as labouring property not people” declared Commonwealth Secretary-General Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey.

Robert Jenrick responded that “I’m not ashamed of our history, I was born a white British male thus have won the lottery of life”.

The Conservative leadership very hopeful, probably not a chance, ended the interview with an impromptu rendition of Venus in Furs by the Velvet Underground.

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Rishi Sunak Subject to Investigation in Betting Scandal

The Prime Minister has become the latest politician to be subject to investigation by the gambling watchdog, after admitting he put £500 on the election date just 10 minutes before announcing it outside 10 Downing Street.

As journalists waited in the rain outside 10 Downing Street the PM was having a flutter, the delay in announcing the election was caused by tech whiz Rishi Sunak trying to work out how to open a Paddy Power online account, and in his haste managed to wager £500 on 14th July. 10 Minutes later Sunak announced that the election would be held on 4th July.

Michael Gove, the levelling up secretary, likened this scandle to the Partygate Affair that also involved Rishi Sunak, and has led to the Labour Party wondering if it needs to spend any money on campaigning as the Tory Party are happily doing their work for them.

“Not only are the Tories showing their selfish crooks but they’re incompetent, how can you trust this man to run a country when he cant win a wager he already knows the result of! Cretin!” Kier Stamer told journalists in his daily briefing before cancelling all future briefings to spend more time “laughing at Conservative Party fuck ups”, before reminding everyone that his father “was a tool maker”.

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Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

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Nadine Dorries not doing MP’s job properly, says Sub Prime Rishi Sunak

Prime minister Rishi Sunak told journalists from the News of the World ‘Nadine Dorries’s constituents are not being properly represented’, the former culture secretary ‘isn’t doing her job properly’.

“I should recognise incompetence, given its something I do well” said the Prime Mister to the group of year 7 students who he’d mistook for journalists representing a now defunct newspaper. He later revealed his governmental email password to be ‘Rishi1234’ in response to a question for something he’d done which was really stupid in 2023.

Nadine Dorris announced in June she was standing down as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with immediate effect and Mr Sunak was surprised to hear she was still an MP, ’Is she, that’s not good is it, you’d think she’d do what she said she’d do…but who am I to speak?’ he told the students before acknowledging that the Conservative Party would be using ChatGPT to write the 2024 manifesto.  

Ms Dorries, whose salary as an MP is £86,584,has not spoken in the Commons since June 2022,  Rishi Sunak admitted that he wished he had a similar record.  He also expressed a wish he’d never appeared on Countdown last week, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer telling Colin Murry he’d no idea how to reach the target score of 500 with the numbers 5, 100, 10, 4 and 1.

A Boris Johnson loyalist Ms Dorries accused Mr Sunak of removing her name from the former PM’s resignation honours list but Rishi Sunak has refuted this stating Boris Johnson desired for Andy Pandy, Andy Grey, Andy Peters and Andy Bell to be elevated to the Lords with Ms Doris was to become a knight of the Kingsguard, Boris Johnson having mistaken ‘A Game of Thrones’ with reality and given numerous allies various fictional honours. Jacob Reece Mogg was more then happy to be the Hand of the Former Prime Minister, personally ensuring Mr Johnson had suitable stress relief during the comings and goings of life post parliament.

Mr Sunak  is also to publish a book titled ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Colin Cucumber in the Downing Street Allotment’, a thriller for children ghost written by Baldrick.