Church Leaders Call Gay Marriage Plans ‘Madness’

Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.

Eric Pickles is a Vogon in disguise.

Here is what to do if you want to get anything from Eric Pickles: forget it. He is one of the most unpleasant people in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. He wouldn’t even lift a finger to save his own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of Eric Pickles is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow Eric Pickles to read poetry at you.

Deadly Bullshit Storm Sweeps throughWhitehall

An unseasonable bullshit storm swept through Whitehall yesterday leaving nine dead and civil servants knee deep in their own fetid fork tongued fallacies.

It started when a front of economical truths fed obfuscations into prevailing south easterly winds of deceit which condensed over Eric Pickle’s male mammary mountains. Initially localized in the Department of Communities a thick layers of bullshit soon spread throughoutWhitehall

“Here at the treasury we’re without capacity to tell the truth” George Osborne told journalist, “Plan A is working, the dark days of depression are over and this winter we shall see the green shoots of recovery”.

In the Department for Education 2ft of bullshit fell overnight and more is expected following Michael Goves announcement that “Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system. There will be a cultural revolution, a five year plan of empowerment filling school pupils with a sense of achievement and aspiration; no child will be left behind”.

Despite thick layers of bullshit business continues as normal, according to unnamed sources “This is nothing new, we were waist deep in crap following the Blair’s dodgy dossier; it’s keep calm, carry on and grab a paddle to as there’s a shit creek outside!”.

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills has been unaffected by the bullshit storm but any requests for comment are greeted by Vince Cable rocking forwards and backwards on his chair screaming “We’re doomed Captain Cameron, we’re doomed!”

Eric Pickles Explodes, Wafer Thin Mint Blamed

Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has died aged 59 having gobbled his way through the Saffron Tandoori’s entire menu.

Consuming 14 curries along with 17 Lamb specialities dishes, all washed down with 12 bottles of lager, the gorged and bloated MP for Brentwood was persuaded by a waiter to end his meal with a wafer thin mint.

Initially triggering sever indigestion this mint acted as a catalyst, instigating a chain reaction which resulted in the rotund MP exploding; fellow diners were showered by a mass of subcutaneous fat. Despite his chest being blasted apart the Communities Secretary only expired following receipt of the bill. It transpired that being unable to claim the £4577 bill through ministerial expenses caused his heart to fail.

“With great sadness I have to come to terms that a friend and colleague is no longer with us” David Cameron told a packed commons chamber earlier today “Eric Pickles died the way he would have wanted, stimulating the UK economy through selfless greed and gluttony ”.

Paying tribute Ed Miliband agreed with the Prime Minister, “Eric was a great parliamentarian with a great appetite but you didn’t want to be in an enclosed space when he’d had a good curry”.

This refers to the “Great stink of 2008” when the Palace of Westminster had to be evacuated following the then Conservative Chairman having a particularly pungent pasanda.

In 2008 Pickles was also asked to pay back £300 following the MP’s expenses scandal, claiming for ’Forty two phaals, equal nan breads along with ninety popadoms and chuckneys’; what he later described as a ‘light snack’.

Eric Pickles leaves behind a wife and two sheep, Bhuna and Balti.

News in Brief:

 Eric Pickles to scrutinize meals over 1000 Calories

Eric Pickles has vowed to curb excessive local authority spending on meals and refreshments by personally testing any over 1000 calories, blocking any that seem excessive or not value for money.

The Communities Secretary, whose waistline is an avid supporter of David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’ told journalists

“Too many people enter local politics to get on the gravy train of free dinners and Champaign receptions. Take this Chicken Balti Birmingham Council plan on serving during a celebration of the cities cuisine, its delicious but unwarranted; Labor councils should go back to their roots; peas, pies and chips”.

Pickles refused to comment upon the excesses of Conservative councils but did point out that this personal gluttony was a sacrifice he was willing to make, if he increased in mass to reduce the deficit so be it.  

To this statement his chin, a life form in its own right, wobbled with agreement.

William Chooses Hitler to be Best Man

Heir to the throne chooses Great Uncles Edwards favorite fascist dictator to be his best man

Former German Chancellor thrilled to be asked, his first public function since going into hiding in 1945.

“Im so happy that William has taken the finial solution to his relationship with Kate Middleton” he told the Daily Mail

 

Catholic Priest Banned from Facebook

Papal officials have banned clergy from using Facebook, worried at them logging onto the site, looking at pictures of peoples children, clicking ‘like’ and then poking them.

 

Blair Pledges Book Proceeds to Injured Spin Doctor Charity

A spokesperson for the former Prime Minster, who is already understood to have received a £4.6m advance, said Mr Blair would hand over all the money he makes, “as a way of marking the enormous sacrifice spin doctors make and have made to the people of Great Britain and the world”.

“In making this decision Tony Blair recognizes the courage, the sacrifice and most importantly the double speak spin doctors have demonstrated in face of a sometimes uncomfortable truth. This is my way of honoring them.”

The proceeds will go to the Practitioners of Exceptional Spin and Trickery (PEST) Benevolent Fund