Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.