Church Leaders Call Gay Marriage Plans ‘Madness’

Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.


High court overturns superinjunction granted to Maycombe Resident ‘Boo’ Radley

Secretive Maycombe resident Arthur ‘Boo’ Radley has refused to respond to press speculation after the high court overturned a superinjunction which prevented the reporting of allegations about his private life.

Atticus Finch, lawyer working on behalf of ‘Boo’ Radley, won an injunction last Friday following reports that the News of the World planned to write about his private life. Radley is alleged to have had an affair with Elizabeth Darcy, wife of wealthy landowner Fitzwilliam Darcy. Under the terms of the injunction no one involved or even the existence of the injunction could be disclosed.

Judge Fargo lifted the injunction yesterday saying that ‘All individuals have a right to privacy but the public have the right to know about the indiscressions of one who has traded upon their good character, making it the bulwark on which their reputation is built upon. There is a clear public interest and the applicants [Arthur Radley] human rights would not be diminished by publication of these revelations’.

Following the injunction being lifted the media has been free to report that Radley and Elizabeth Darcy began an alleged month affair after meeting at Longbourne, her ancestral estate. Rumors of the affair have been circulating on the micro blogging site Twitter but until now could not be reported in the press.

Mattie Storin, News of the World chief editor, said later: “We welcome Mr Justice Fargo’s decision as a long overdue breath of fresh air and common sense coming out of the privacy courts. Over recent years, there has been more prior restraint on freedom of speech in Britain than in any other democratic country in the world.

Boo Radleys public image was created following the ‘Ewell Incident’, rescuing Scout and Jem Finch from attack while their assailant was killed, accidently falling on his own knife. Sainted as a gentle, mild mannered savior whose radio friendly songs such as ‘Wake Up’ became world wide hits in the mid 1990’s Radley eventually retired back into anonymity, writing his memoirs of the incident in international bestseller ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’.

Fitzwilliam Darcy, for his part, said in a statement “This matter is of a deep personal and private nature, my primary concern is the welfare of my son, Mark. Elizabeth and I will issue no further comment and ask for our privacy to be respected”

The Adventures of Wasp Brain Man and the Lemon Hedgehog

 “Holy Paperclips of Staples Wasp Brain Man, the phones ringing!”

“Zoots! Its the Managing Director, he says a great plot is afoot to make me work!”

“Chivers! What are you going to do?”

“Take it easy my trusty Lemon Hedgehog, take it easy like I always do. There is no need for such horrors like work to befall me, for remember I am protected by an aura of procrastination and a shield of web browsing. No man or woman can breach their mighty defenses and make me earn the wages Im paid!”

“Ipod dingo shoes! If only I had your brains! Then I too could think of devilishly cunning plans resulting in a slightly boring sloth like existence during the working day and fight crime at night.”

“Well if you had my brain you too would have worked out that I dont fight crime at night, I fight grime! Yes the grime that lives in the sink after a meal for it is I that washes the dishes while you sit watching Hollyoaks with tea in hand after a hard days highlighting”.

“Poppy cup pencil carrots! I thought we had a dishwasher, what is that I put my dirty dishes into each day?”

“The daily ramming of your dirty dishes into my mouth is something I dont look forward too and you use way too much washing powder! I suggest you experiment with one cup instead of two”.

“Highlight my testicles and call me Bernard! What is it I pour Fairy Liquid into?”

“The cleansing fluid enema is certainly not the highlight of my day oh trusty Lemon Hedgehog while cranking of my whirligigs doesnt turn me on either”.

“Gulp argh burp somersault, Ive been cranking your whirligigs! I thought the dishwasher was just pleased to see me!”