No One Expects the Brexiteers

Announcer: In 2017, to combat the diabolical European Unions despotic plans for the good ship Britannia as it sails away, the Queen gives Boris Johnson leave to form a crack team to travel without hindrance through Britain, Europe and beyond in a reign of violence, terror and buffoonery. This was how the Brexiteers were formed…

[The door flies open and Boris Johnson, flanked by two Brexiteers;. Michael Biggles Gove has goggles pushed over his forehead while Andrea Leadsom is dressed as Death, with the customary scythe replaced by a potato masher]  

Johnson: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chefs weapons are surprise and fear…fear and surprise! That’s why we dread meal times, last week we were served suicide bomber toad in a hole, had awful indigestion, no idea how he got that explosive vest onto that poor amphibian…anyhow I digress…lets start again

[Fanfare, The Brexiteers exit and return, once more bursting through the door. ]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!….and an almost fanatical devotion to the Teresa May (unless she’s been deposed already, if so she’s a NAMBY PAMBY and we love our new Eternal Leader)…. Our four…no…Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[Fanfare, the Brexiteers exit muttering to each other then return, but with bursting with significantly less enthusiasm.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise….

Gove: Wasn’t ‘Project Fear’ one of the LOSER Remain campaigns chief weapons.

Johnson: Balderdash!

Leadsom: Oh it was, look the ‘Potato Masher of Truth’ says so.

Leadsom gestures to Johnson with the potato masher

Johnson: Fiddlesticks, numptyquest and codswallop! Shall we try again?

[Fanfare, the bickering Brexiteers exit then return with a dejected saunter.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and wiffy armpits and almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May)…and a clear Brexit strategy…

Leadsom: I want it hard!

Gove: I want it soft!

Johnson: I just want it now, Phwor!

[Leadsom and Gove start squabbling like school children behind Johnson.]

Johnson: This is getting us nowhere! Okay team, once more with feeling!

[Fanfare, the squabbling Brexiteers exit then return with rejuvenated oomph.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…

Gove: But Boris, surly they expect the Brexiteers as we’ve leapt forth in surprise 4 times now.

Johnson: Gove another comment like that and I`ll stab you in the back for real this time! Ok lets start again.

[Fanfare, Brexiteers exit while having a heated argument then return with Gove looking somewhat peaky thanks to the knife sticking out of his back]

Johnson: EVERYBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chief weapons are wiffy armpits, an almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May) and a clear, strong and stable, Brexit means Brexit strategy! Britain Prevails!

Gove: Argh [collapses dead]

Leadsom: Sigh, like most MPs I’ve a second job…looks like I’ve another soul to harvest…oh, nope, it is Michael Gove, he’s got no soul.

Johnson: [points]He has two soles, one on each shoe!

Leadsom: Sigh [walks off stage, returns with a scythe and ‘harvests’ Boris Johnson]  For that he deserves to die [evil cackle]

Leadsom: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble, when shall we three meet again? But you’re dead so never…oh well, I shall form the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse Brexit (sponsored by the Sun) with War, Famine and Nigel Farage! [Evil Cackle]

[The end]

David Cameron Claims Pigs are “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores!”

Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.

It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 24.05.17

Guardians of the Galaxy

Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.

Is there a Doctor in the Building

Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.

It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.

Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.

“I Quit” Fulgrim Reveals

Fulgrim, Primarch of the Emperors Children, has announced his retirement to spend more time gardening.

Speaking from deep within the Eye of Terror Fulgrim told a packed press conference that since the Emperors Death he’d become more and more detached from his life of debauched excess and brutalising the Imperium.

“Last week I woke up from sixty day orgy and decided enough was enough, casting aside the ten thousand nubile Dark Eldar slave girls and vowing to abstain from that day on and become a humble gardener” the daemon prince told the assembled journalists.

The former bioengineered superhuman and now arch acolyte of Slaanesh then provided samples of his wholesome produce, feeding the press hand grown cucumbers, bananas, pears and melons while nearby deamonettes made childish innuendos until banished.

In addition Fulgrim will be founding the Abbey Clinic, a place of solemn self-restraint, to assist traitor marines and cultists turn from the path of interminable pleasure and intemperance towards one of piety and humble virtue. Hoping one day to terraform Chemos and make it a verdant green and pleasant land once more

UK Braces For Extreme Weather This Weekend

In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.

Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.

“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.

Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of  Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.

University of Chesterfield: Newsletter 92

Message from the Regis

You’re all not me nor as rich as me…plebs!

£50 Awarded to Create World Leading Water Boiling Facilities

The University of Chesterfield has been granted the prestigious PG Tips Foundation Invigoration Award, promoting first class tea drinking within academia. A team, led by Chaplain Stephen Faizer, will work to read online reviews of all mid-priced kettles then utilizing this insightful data to purchase the best kettle two ‘ponies’ can buy; ensuring all university staff are refreshed though out the day.

Dr David Chivers, Emeritus Professor of Apathy and Stuff said “This award means this university will, well, yeah, whatever, words, stuff”.

Farewell to Professor Jones – Retracted

Last week we said goodbye to Ernest Jones, Professor of Imaginary, Illusory and Fantastical Medicine. We would like to retract this fond farewell, Professor Jones has not left the University of Chesterfield but was not seen for the last 3 month after falling down the back of the sofa.

Only when the sofa was received it annual hoovering were Ernest Jones’ cries for help heard, having survived on a diet of half sucked boiled sweets and discarded peanuts.

Also behind the sofa was three sets of keys, the Bursars dried frog pills and a Holy Grail that a group of irritating Frenchmen had hidden to prevent it reaching the hands of King Arthur and his stupid English knigarts.

‘Cyclists Pollution’ Worse than Diesel Cars

The smug sense of superiority and air of superiority given off by cyclists has been linked to 100000 deaths per year according to a new study by the Cambridge University Newtonian Transport School (anacynim redacted).

 

The haughty conceited vapours cyclists emit is a significant pollutant causing considerable harm to the brains of white van drivers,  warping their moral compass’ resulting in unpredictable and perilous piloting of these vehicles.

 

Drivers under the influence of these clouds of self-righteous ethers have been discovered to cause an increased number of accidents, following the 2012 Olympic velodrome success the problem exponentially expanded as more people took to the road on bicycles. The study concluded that only by banning the bicycle can the roads be made safe.

 

The anacynim redacted study was funded the Jeremy Clarkson’s FCUK Caravan and Cycle Owners Foundation and has been independently verified by that cracking bunch of lads, the UK Independence Party; whose policy for the reintroduction of hunting with hounds to control deer, foxes and cyclists in no way swayed their judgement.

News in Brief

World Book Day  

Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd  stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.

Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.

Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech

Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his  controllers provide him.