News in Brief

World Book Day  

Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd  stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.

Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.

Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech

Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his  controllers provide him.


International Crisis – Trump Threatens to Execute Paul Hollywood for Treason!


Filming of this series of the Great British Bake Off goes international with the contestants attempting challenging bakes in places such as the White House lawn, the Taj Mahal and Dudley.

During the USA episode guest judge Donald Trump repeatedly mocked three female contestant posteriors, describing them as the ‘soggy bottom brigade’ despite requests for him to stop. Eventually an exasperated Paul Hollywood lost patience and floored the president with a single punch. Secret Service agents stepped in to protect Trump but not before the master baker had violently kneaded the presidents groin, screaming ‘You misogynistic pussy grabbing c**t!’

The contestants had just been set the challenge of baking a gingerbread wall able to thwart illegal immigration while retaining a crisp when the altercation occurred. Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, who’d replaced Mel and Sue as hosts for the Great British Bake Off, were heard to say “How do you attack the President of the USA, you just attack the President of the USA”  and almost joined in the assault with battle baguettes, bread suitable for striking and sandwiches, until the camera crew stopped the pair telling them “He’s not worth it”.

Donal Trump later tweeted that “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE NATION IS UNDERTHREAT FROM FAKE NEWS BBC AND PAUL HOLLYWOOD. I WILL SEEK THE DEATH PENALTY FOR TREASON!” It is also expected that the reactionary president will attempt to reinstate the immigration ban that was suspended by the federal courts, with the United Kingdom added to the list of majority Muslim Middle Eastern countries .

Paul Hollywood now has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay and awaits trial, its unknown if Trump will press for capital punishment. The Nobel Committee has presented  celebrity chef with an extraordinary Nobel Peace Prize citing that ‘No other act of Violence has brought hope and happiness to world, this while assailing the root of instability and conflict within the world’.

Trump links Warhammer World with Unreported Terrorism

img_1926Donald Trump’s claims that the media is covering up terrorist attacks committed by fundamentalists followed his reading of the Warhammer 40K Wiki and believing it to be real, Wikipedia being the Presidents second choice for authoritative information on a subject after The Onion.

Speaking to military leaders, Mr Trump said: “It’s gotten to a point where terrorism is not even being reported. Has the Washington Post reported the Istvaan III Atrocity? No! Has the New York Times reported the Istvaan III Atrocity? Thousands died and the media is filled with lies and fake news!”

The President seems to have failed to separate fact from fiction, refusing to accept that the grim dark world of Warhammer 40K is nothing but the imagination of Nottingham based games company Games Workshop.

“Istvaan III is somewhere near Afghanistan, controlled by China, you understand that” Trump informed military leaders and when unable to locate the country in an atlas dismissed it as a “Fake Obama map” then started drawing his own which included notes such as ‘Nuke Mr Tumble’, ‘Here be TellyTubbies’ and ‘Donald and Malinda Love Iggle Piggle’ confirming reports that the President relaxes watching British preschool television.

Also included in Trumps map were the North African nation of Mordor, a British Isles that disturbingly looked like a penis and Oceania being an unrecognisable scribble with ‘Lalala, I can’t get Kylies bum out of my head’ below it.

The White House also released a list of attacks they felt “did not receive adequate attention from Western media sources”, the list includes many erroneous historical events that predate the printing press. “Did CNN send journalists to report the Muslim attacks on the Roman Empire? NO!” Sean Spicer told the media in his daily briefing, citing this as evidence to support his case.

Trump has also begun attributing quotes by the Space Wolves Primarch to Vladimir Putin, with sources within the White House suggesting that the President believes the Russian Premier and Leman Russ being one and the same.


Well a Priest Anyhow…

A shock supreme court decision declared Teresa May will be unable to trigger Article 50, to leave the European Union, without express permission from Stephen Griffiths. Unbeknown to most the European Harmony Act 1984 included statute 7, ‘No attempt to leave the European Economic Area or successive organization may occur without consent of Harold Godwinsons heir, true successor to the crown of England; forsaking the yoke of Gilliam the Bastard and his Norman usurpers’.

This statute was added to the act by Kenneth Clarke following a wild night in Soho, while drinking in the Coach and Horses Peter O’Toole bet the then junior minister the pricy sum of £10 that he could not get ‘Gilliam the Bastard’ into an Act of Parliament.

Following extensive genealogical research and DNA testing it was confirmed that the oldest living male heir to Harold Godwinson is hospital Chaplin Stephen Griffith who, when contacted with this news, formally submitted a claim to the thrones of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland but he does not want Berwick Upon Tweet ‘Because I’m a contrary bastard and when I visited there in 2008 I got stung by a wasp’. Enacting the ancient tradition of ‘Trial by Combat’ the Stephen is scheduled to fight the Queen, with this cultural event broadcast live on BBC4.

In addition Stephen Griffith has insisted that he be announced as the new Doctor, replacing Peter Capaldi, with Karen Gilliam returning as his companion to help with his sonic screwdriver.

Being a member of the Church of England Stephen will officially ‘sit on the fence’ and is refusing to take a position on Brexit, only after 100 years and numerous synods will a decision be taken whether to allow the United Kingdom to leave the European Union.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12/01/17


Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day

In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.

Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.

Other measures that have been implemented include:

  • A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
  • Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
  • Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
  • Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.

Father Christmas Arrested for Drink Driving

Mythological creature, commonly known as Father Christmas, was arrested on Christmas Day for being drunk in charge of animal powered vehicle.

His reindeer powered sleigh was stopped by the Police after swerving wildly on the A1(M) close to Peterborough, and after being breathalysed it was discovered that he’d consumed approximately 900000 glasses of assorted spirits and fortified wines along cannabis after with dropping a ‘J’ at the residence of Jeffrey Lebowski.

Due the severity of his offence, being at the top of the drink driving scale, Father Christmas was remanded, pending trial, in Azkaban. Police are also investigating a spate of breaking and entering cases where Father Christmas’ fingerprints being found at the scene of each offence.

If convicted of drink driving Father Christmas is expected to be sentenced to 5 years in prison followed by a 2 year driving ban. During this period it is expected that present manufacturing and delivery will be contracted out to G4S who have promised to distribute some form of gift to everyone by August, irrelevant if they have been naughty or nice: mostly as otherwise that would exclude its management team from being in receipt of a gift.

WARHAMMER WORLD – The Trump Doctrine


Once installed as President of the United States of America Donald Trump is set to rename Earth ‘Warhammer World’. In addition Trump will declare himself to be the living embodiment of Warmaster Horus tasked with conquering humanity in the names of the ruinous powers Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaanesh and Jervis Johnson.

All Abrams tanks will be designated  ‘Land Raiders’ and NATO allies defined as the ‘Imperial Guard’ and expected to perform their duties utilizing the guidance within that learned tome of military discipline ‘The Imperial Guardsman’s Uplifting Primer’.

“It’s perfect” Trump told journalists from his Warbarge floating on the Birmingham to Liverpool canal, “Our geopolitical enemy is China and, according to that learned digest ‘Slaves to Darkness’, the Emperors palace was in the Himalayas …we’ll be fighting over identical territory”.

“Alas there are no Titans but after talking to Vince McMann the WWE will be loaning us ‘The Big Show’. This giant will dress up as a Reaver while John Cena and Shamus will don Warhound costumes…let say we’ve got this angel covered” Trump continued after learning that ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’ was not a documentary.

When asked about his route to Chaos Trump declared that the corruption started after meeting two denizens of Khorne known as ‘Saint and Greavsie’ who, under the cover of the Rumbelows Cup Draw, subverted the real estate tycoon. Other meetings with agents of the other chaos powers fortified this degeneration until he was crowned Lord of Chaos undivided in Nottingham by Jervis Johnson, Rick Priestly, Andy Chambers and Bryan Ansell in 1996 as England were knocked out of Euro Championships.

Since that day Trump has been conducting proxy wars, all designed to result in his eventual triumph at the ballot box and ultimate destiny of being the true Emperor of Humanity. The only false step being when he was almost outed as an agent of Chaos in 2012 but Champion of Tzeentch Vladimir Putin had Alexander Litvinenko assassinated with warpstone.

In the new grim dark Warhammer world there will only be war, and sexual harassment in accordance to the 6 laws of Slaanesh.

NEWS FLASH: Following a cease and desist letter from Games Workshops lawyers the Earth will not be renamed ‘Warhammer World’. Donald Trump has been stripped of his presidency and will be replaced by Jervis Johnson. Senior officers within the US military are thrilled with their new commander in chief, stating that “We’ve read his battle reports in White Dwarf and is only because of bad luck and poor dice roles that this great man has never actually won a game”


Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season

Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.

“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions;  despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”

Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals

Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.

Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.

Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.

News in Brief

Santa Denied Work Permit in Post Brexit Britain

Following the EU referendum Santa has been denied a work permit and will be banned from delivering presents following the implementation of strict immigration controls. Boarder enforcement agencies have been issued with explicit orders to deny entry to illegal workers through any means, with Army and Royal Air Force both conducting training exercises in intercepting and eliminating a reindeer powered flying sleigh.

It has been suggested that this zero tolerance policy of Santa is following MI5 providing intelligence to Teresa May which suggested she was on the naughty and not nice list thus wouldn’t be getting any presents anyhow.

Donald Trump at Least ‘50% Hamster’ Claims Freddie Star

Notorious hamster muncher Freddie Star claims that he’d sampled Donald Trump and can confirm the president elect is part rodent, probably hamster.

The alleged comedian claims he met Trump at notorious Nottinghamshire dogging site Fanny’s Grove and in the car park was able to appraise the property tycoons structure.

“It tastes of rodent with a tang of liquorice” Starr claims, “he’s at least 50% hamster but all gentleman with the way he treated me”.

Donald Trump has not commented on these claims, but this could be because his cheeks were filled with food.

‘Use British Workers’ Says the Daily Moron

British Workers Shunned as Darth May Uses Ewoks to Build Death Star

Following Brexit and the reestablishment of the Empire Darth May pledged to reenergise the British Economy through an ambitious programme of capital investment, with the building of a supermassive space station able to destroy a planet being the centrepiece.

Following an investigation the Daily Moron revealed that the Death Star contract has been awarded to Bespin Cloud City, with it then being subcontracted to the Hutt Corp; a shadowy organisation registered in the offplanet taxhaven of Tatooine. Despite assurances that these capital projects would be built by British workers it’s been exposed that Ewoks have been used. These furry muppets in space working unpaid after being ordered to construct the spacestation by C3-P0, who they consider to be a god.

Labour Leader Obi Wan Corbin called this a ‘scandal, never before has there been a greater den of scum and villainy than the Conservative Party’, while UKIP Leader Jabba the Hutt was quoted as saying ‘this is sound business sense, getting the best deal for my bank balance…sorry for the county’ before suggesting that anyone who disagreed with him should feel his ‘rancours bite!’

In a statement to Parliament Darth May told MP’s that the Death Star will enable the British Empire to take its place on the top table, along with Grand Moff Trump and Chancellor Merkel. The recently retired aircraft carrier HMS Illustrious will be replaced by a fleet of Star Detroyers to ‘enable Britania to rule the waves, skys and space but anyone who wants Naboo and its bloody Gungans can jolly well have them!’