Category Archives: News

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J D Vances Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit – 29.05.25

Today’s Proclamations from the Vice president of the USA

In 1233 JD Vances honoured ancestor, allied to the Mongol Horde of Atilla the Hun, entered capital of the Jin dynasty of China, and looted it after a 13-month siege. Vance would like China to know that history could repeat itself so be afraid, very afraid.

In 1416 the VSS Enterprise and supporting vessels defeated many Ottoman ships at the Battle of Gallipoli. Venetian Captain Giacomo T. Kirk boldly went on to secure naval superiority in the Aegean Sea for the next few decades.

In 1913 the premier of woke ballet Le Sacre du printemps by Igor Stravinsky caused a riot when disgusted good old boys shielded the eyes of women and children from the shameful disgrace on stage before kicking off in the interval. The fighting only stopped with the onset of World War I.

In 1999 Charlotte Perrelli won the Eurovision song contest, Lord Almighty President Donald Trump thinks she’s still a beautiful woman and would like to give her one.

In 2011 Misguided residents of Portland, Oregon, held a rally called Hands Across Hawthorne in response to an attack against a gay couple holding hands while crossing the Hawthorne Bridge. All known participants are to be deported and interned in Cecot, El Salvador’s notorious maximum-security prison, only after having a hand amputated for further prevent reoffending.   

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Shitshow Company Fined for Shitshow

Thames Water has been fined a fuck load of money for being, in the words of water industry regulator Ofwat, a Shitshow Company.

The £122m fine is for breaching rules and unregulated releases of sewage, or as OFWAT described It ‘we’ve not seen such a release of crap since Boris Johnson’s last speech as prime Minister. In 2024 Thames Water were full Gammon, dumping effluent like a Reform Party candidate ranting about a lesbian transexual asylum seeker just saying ‘Thankyou’ instead of fully prostrating themselves in gratitude for being given the 20p found on the way to buying his morning cuppa; from a BRITISH TEASHOP, NOT COFFEE SHOP!’

Thames Water said it took protecting the environment and being a socially responsible company seriously, which is why it uses fair trade coal to power its head office furnaces and the lavishly watered and manicured office golf course was surrounded by security fences, patrolled by armed guards. “No woke fuckers going to throw paint onto this lush green paradise with Omnicorp securing the perimeter!” stated CEO Chris Weston before teeing off with Donald trump Jr.

Ofwat have confirmed the fines would be paid by the company and its investors, Chris Weston stated” its loose change” and paying it personally will only moderately impact his yearly bonus.

It has been almost two years since Thames Waters dire financial situation emerged, with two thirds of bill payers’ money being used to service debts. More specifically board members loan their annual bonus back to the company at an unprecedented 54% interest rate. “Campaigners call us corporate wankers, well yes we are as we all like the odd hand shandy but unlike them we’re filthy rich and raking it in each year” Chris Weston told journalists before making a V sign to camera.

OFWAT has proposed that if its swage discharged targets are not met in 2025, they will be imposing their greatest sanction of writing a stern letter to Chris Westons wife, complaining that her husband is an “Irresponsible meanie and could she kindly discuss the matter with him”.

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US Government Pauses Intelligence

Superpower and world largest economy, the USA, has pushed the worlds future into doubt with a pause on intelligence; instead making policy based upon JD Vance’s ‘Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit’.

Each morning the Vice President will deputise for Milania Trump, fellate his master, then shake his ‘Magic Ball of Bullshit’ that will decide any important decisions that need to be made that day. This morning the White House Press Office informed journalists that:

42 Byzantine Officials executed in 845 for refusing to convert to Isam would be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Pope Nicolas V is to be excommunicated for being too woke.

Coats Land in Antarctica is to be renamed Chillie, Chillie is to be renamed Gulf of Mexico.

The SAS, a UK Special Forces unit, is to be disbanded for making US Special Forces look incompetent.

Singapore is to be declared the world’s largest art installation and will be sold at Sothebys New York in June.

Yesterday’s decision to end support to Ukraine has been stricken from the record following news reaching the Vice President regarding the Battle of Aizkraukle, where Lithuania defeated the Livonian Order in 1279.

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Full statement from Rishi Sunak explaining why he is defecting to Labour, party that ‘looks to the future’

Today I announce that I have decided to join the Labour Party and that I will sit in Parliament as a Labour MP.

When I was elected, the Conservative Party occupied the centre ground of British politics despite being led by a pig fucker and then the crop destroying naughty ministers daughter.

Since then, many things have changed. The elected Prime Minister and all round godlike genius, Boris Johnson, was ousted in a coup led by myself. Under my leadership, the Conservatives have become a byword for incompetence and division. The centre ground has been ditched, replaced by drive towards the right, at times my governments policies would make Hitler, Stalin, Davros and Joe Lycett go ‘oh that’s a bit harsh!’

Meanwhile the Labour Party has changed out of all recognition. Since 2019, it has moved on from Jeremy Corbyn and now, under Keir Starmer, occupies the centre ground of British politics and more importantly has a chance of winning the election. I am a mercenary and am willing to ditch my own government to remain in power. Like Churchill, a dog I deeply admire, I say ‘oh yes’ to keeping the red flag flying high.

I have carefully considered this decision. Probably more than carefully than those made during the Covid pandemic, as I spent most of it partying with DJ Johnson and the Number 10 Massive.  We need to move on from the broken promises of my tired and chaotic Government. Britain needs a Government that will build a future of hope, optimism, opportunity and fairness. A Britain everyone can be part of, that will make the most of the opportunities that lie ahead. That’s why it’s time for change. Time for a Labour Government led by Keir Starmer. The General Election cannot come soon enough.

As Prime Minister it was in my power to call this General Election but unfortunately I am incompetent and should be remembered as a sub par politician whose failed to even reach the grade of Liz Truss, let alone Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, Michael Green and Sebastian Fox.

I submit this statement to the house, alas I cant be there in person as I’m locked in the lavatory and awaiting assistance.

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Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

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Message to Headteachers within the Union of Socialist School Academies

Dear Comrades

As Supreme Leader it was good to see a number of my serfs at this week’s GEF and I look forward to some again at the Southern GEF shortly. There is no Northern GEF, I do not sully my immortal soul by visiting the north; being more than 45 minutes away from Harrods triggers anxiety attacks.  If you don’t know what a GEF is you will never know, we’ll never explain it nor will you be invited.

USSA Learning Leadership Symposium – All Heads

Invitations to the USSA Learning Leadership Symposium have been sent by email, attendance is voluntary but nonattendance will result banishment to Chesterfield and there employed as menial kitchen staff at Newbold Communsit School. The agenda must be memorised in advance but will not be distributed until three days after the symposium.

Retention of Payments – Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers

As Supreme Leader I am all knowing and those whose forte threatens my ego are to be penalised, a 10% know it all surcharge will be levied on salary payments for Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers. Biology is viewed to be an arts subject and not a true science thus unimportant.

Supreme Leader Update

Three days ago my coffee had LSD added to it by subversive forces. Tripping the light fantastic meetings were held with a dozen kumquats, Marvin Gaye and the essence of Nostalgia which was highly entertaining. Despite this entertaining experience perpetrators of future attacks upon my reality will be met with unremitting force, preferably gravity as they fall from Beachy Head.

International Fart Competition – All Secondary Heads (For information)

I am aware that many believe this to be a lot of hot air but The International Fart Competition 2024 is now open.  It is open to all United Socialist School pupils aged 15-18, with the winning entrant’s gargantuan guff receiving an all-expenses paid trip to Japan to see the Flatulence University Campus Kyoto, where research into tremendous trumps rivals that of the former US Presidents.

Safer Internet Day 6th February 2024

The Truth Team have prerecorded videos to be played to staff and students with regards to safe, responsible, and positive use of digital technology. Only Truth Team approved apps and websites are permitted.

Both staff and students must promptly provide access to all devices upon request by a member of the Leadership Conclave, Truth Team member or a schools Deacon of Enlightenment. If the use of unpermitted digital technologies or websites is identified the person will be summarily exiled to the caldera of Mount Etna, being an active volcano it`ll be a warm welcome.

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Nadine Dorries not doing MP’s job properly, says Sub Prime Rishi Sunak

Prime minister Rishi Sunak told journalists from the News of the World ‘Nadine Dorries’s constituents are not being properly represented’, the former culture secretary ‘isn’t doing her job properly’.

“I should recognise incompetence, given its something I do well” said the Prime Mister to the group of year 7 students who he’d mistook for journalists representing a now defunct newspaper. He later revealed his governmental email password to be ‘Rishi1234’ in response to a question for something he’d done which was really stupid in 2023.

Nadine Dorris announced in June she was standing down as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with immediate effect and Mr Sunak was surprised to hear she was still an MP, ’Is she, that’s not good is it, you’d think she’d do what she said she’d do…but who am I to speak?’ he told the students before acknowledging that the Conservative Party would be using ChatGPT to write the 2024 manifesto.  

Ms Dorries, whose salary as an MP is £86,584,has not spoken in the Commons since June 2022,  Rishi Sunak admitted that he wished he had a similar record.  He also expressed a wish he’d never appeared on Countdown last week, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer telling Colin Murry he’d no idea how to reach the target score of 500 with the numbers 5, 100, 10, 4 and 1.

A Boris Johnson loyalist Ms Dorries accused Mr Sunak of removing her name from the former PM’s resignation honours list but Rishi Sunak has refuted this stating Boris Johnson desired for Andy Pandy, Andy Grey, Andy Peters and Andy Bell to be elevated to the Lords with Ms Doris was to become a knight of the Kingsguard, Boris Johnson having mistaken ‘A Game of Thrones’ with reality and given numerous allies various fictional honours. Jacob Reece Mogg was more then happy to be the Hand of the Former Prime Minister, personally ensuring Mr Johnson had suitable stress relief during the comings and goings of life post parliament.

Mr Sunak  is also to publish a book titled ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Colin Cucumber in the Downing Street Allotment’, a thriller for children ghost written by Baldrick.

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Ten Million Bots join Twitter Rival

Threads announces 10 million and one users sign up in first seven hours since launch, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg states majority AI Bots with the only human users being him, Stephen Fry and Tom from Myspace.

Zuckerberg pitched the app as a rival to Twitter, that has been creatively despoiled by Elon Musk since October

“Threads already has almost 10 million Bots trolling all unsundry, more than Twitter! Musk is a looser, can’t wait to pummel walrus face with the Meta Elbow! Can you smell what the Zuckerburg is cooking”

This turned out to be nothing as at point Zuckerberg’s mum called him home for tea for pot roast.

Earlier, Mark Zuckerberg said keeping the platform “friendly… will ultimately be the key to its success. Basically trolls are not allowed to swear, invoke Nazi Germany or discuss which way the jam and butter goes on a cream tea”.

Elon Musk responded “You sit there and you thump alone to your Instagram account and say your prayers to big boobies…it don’t get you anywhere! Talk about your Facebook, talk about Meta 3:16… Musk 3:16 says I gonna whip your ass!”

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MayBot V2: Liz Truss

MayBot was created to clear up the mess of Brexit, it sprang to life with a whirr, clunk, clang and gave us strong and stable satire for two glorious years. MayBot 2: Liz Truss has outdone all the exploits of her predecessors in four weeks of dark satire, the joke being on the British people who’ll live through and with the after effects of brutal economic shock. We thought BoJoShitShow was bad but he’s already been surpassed. We now hanker for the grey, shirt in his pants, John Major and even consider Jeremy Hunt isn’t the worst Health Secretary in living memory. Somehow,  in a fortnight, we’ve hit a new nadir but have we reached the bottom of this rapid descent? How long till Squib Games replaces Strictly? I look forward to Jacob Rees Mog telling adolescent tributes of North, Midlands, South, Wales and Scotland “May the odds be ever in your favour.”

Or maybe the workers of the world will unite, and replace the status quo with something better? If there is a time for this bogus journey to end, for the Wild Stallions to unite the world its now. Bill and Ted we implore you to take us on an excellent adventure!

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Evidence Exists PM Tried to get Top Job for Carrie Fisher

Growing calls have been raised into Boris Johnson’s grip on reality as evidence surfaces he tried to secure Foreign Office job for Carries Fisher. The PM believd Princess Leia was Brexit Rebel and not a leading a rebellion against a tyrannical Empire. It is also unsure if Mr Johnson is aware that Princess Leia is work of fiction and Carrie Fisher, who played the character, died in 2016.

“I want her, in 1977 she was pwor, in 2022 she’ll still be pwor! Get that Princess in the FO to lead my FU campaign against the sprouts in Brussels”  

Further  audio recordings of the Prime Minister go on to show he mocks his colleague ‘Me sir Dominic Raab, me sir Liz Truss’, comparing them to the buffoonish and much hated Jar Jar Binks in cabinet meetings. Unnervingly in a candid conversation between Matt Handcock and Rishi Sunak recording show that the Prime Minister screams ‘You’re all clear kid, lets blow this thing and go home’ when reaching climax, something the Chancellor has asked the Prime Minister to cry less vocally as it often wakes his children in number 11.