Guardians of the Galaxy
Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.
Is there a Doctor in the Building
Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.
It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.
A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers. Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.
Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.
Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.
Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.
This Hospital is Not an Shortcut
Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.
Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.
To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.
Staff Bank Drop in Session
All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00
The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.
A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.
In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.
Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.
“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.
Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.
The smug sense of superiority and air of superiority given off by cyclists has been linked to 100000 deaths per year according to a new study by the Cambridge University Newtonian Transport School (anacynim redacted).
The haughty conceited vapours cyclists emit is a significant pollutant causing considerable harm to the brains of white van drivers, warping their moral compass’ resulting in unpredictable and perilous piloting of these vehicles.
Drivers under the influence of these clouds of self-righteous ethers have been discovered to cause an increased number of accidents, following the 2012 Olympic velodrome success the problem exponentially expanded as more people took to the road on bicycles. The study concluded that only by banning the bicycle can the roads be made safe.
The anacynim redacted study was funded the Jeremy Clarkson’s FCUK Caravan and Cycle Owners Foundation and has been independently verified by that cracking bunch of lads, the UK Independence Party; whose policy for the reintroduction of hunting with hounds to control deer, foxes and cyclists in no way swayed their judgement.
World Book Day
Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.
Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.
Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech
Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his controllers provide him.
Filming of this series of the Great British Bake Off goes international with the contestants attempting challenging bakes in places such as the White House lawn, the Taj Mahal and Dudley.
During the USA episode guest judge Donald Trump repeatedly mocked three female contestant posteriors, describing them as the ‘soggy bottom brigade’ despite requests for him to stop. Eventually an exasperated Paul Hollywood lost patience and floored the president with a single punch. Secret Service agents stepped in to protect Trump but not before the master baker had violently kneaded the presidents groin, screaming ‘You misogynistic pussy grabbing c**t!’
The contestants had just been set the challenge of baking a gingerbread wall able to thwart illegal immigration while retaining a crisp when the altercation occurred. Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, who’d replaced Mel and Sue as hosts for the Great British Bake Off, were heard to say “How do you attack the President of the USA, you just attack the President of the USA” and almost joined in the assault with battle baguettes, bread suitable for striking and sandwiches, until the camera crew stopped the pair telling them “He’s not worth it”.
Donal Trump later tweeted that “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE NATION IS UNDERTHREAT FROM FAKE NEWS BBC AND PAUL HOLLYWOOD. I WILL SEEK THE DEATH PENALTY FOR TREASON!” It is also expected that the reactionary president will attempt to reinstate the immigration ban that was suspended by the federal courts, with the United Kingdom added to the list of majority Muslim Middle Eastern countries .
Paul Hollywood now has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay and awaits trial, its unknown if Trump will press for capital punishment. The Nobel Committee has presented celebrity chef with an extraordinary Nobel Peace Prize citing that ‘No other act of Violence has brought hope and happiness to world, this while assailing the root of instability and conflict within the world’.
Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day
In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.
Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.
Other measures that have been implemented include:
- A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
- Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
- Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
- Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.
Mythological creature, commonly known as Father Christmas, was arrested on Christmas Day for being drunk in charge of animal powered vehicle.
His reindeer powered sleigh was stopped by the Police after swerving wildly on the A1(M) close to Peterborough, and after being breathalysed it was discovered that he’d consumed approximately 900000 glasses of assorted spirits and fortified wines along cannabis after with dropping a ‘J’ at the residence of Jeffrey Lebowski.
Due the severity of his offence, being at the top of the drink driving scale, Father Christmas was remanded, pending trial, in Azkaban. Police are also investigating a spate of breaking and entering cases where Father Christmas’ fingerprints being found at the scene of each offence.
If convicted of drink driving Father Christmas is expected to be sentenced to 5 years in prison followed by a 2 year driving ban. During this period it is expected that present manufacturing and delivery will be contracted out to G4S who have promised to distribute some form of gift to everyone by August, irrelevant if they have been naughty or nice: mostly as otherwise that would exclude its management team from being in receipt of a gift.
Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season
Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.
“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions; despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”
Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals
Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.
Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.
Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.