The smug sense of superiority and air of superiority given off by cyclists has been linked to 100000 deaths per year according to a new study by the Cambridge University Newtonian Transport School (anacynim redacted).
The haughty conceited vapours cyclists emit is a significant pollutant causing considerable harm to the brains of white van drivers, warping their moral compass’ resulting in unpredictable and perilous piloting of these vehicles.
Drivers under the influence of these clouds of self-righteous ethers have been discovered to cause an increased number of accidents, following the 2012 Olympic velodrome success the problem exponentially expanded as more people took to the road on bicycles. The study concluded that only by banning the bicycle can the roads be made safe.
The anacynim redacted study was funded the Jeremy Clarkson’s FCUK Caravan and Cycle Owners Foundation and has been independently verified by that cracking bunch of lads, the UK Independence Party; whose policy for the reintroduction of hunting with hounds to control deer, foxes and cyclists in no way swayed their judgement.
World Book Day
Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.
Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.
Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech
Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his controllers provide him.
Filming of this series of the Great British Bake Off goes international with the contestants attempting challenging bakes in places such as the White House lawn, the Taj Mahal and Dudley.
During the USA episode guest judge Donald Trump repeatedly mocked three female contestant posteriors, describing them as the ‘soggy bottom brigade’ despite requests for him to stop. Eventually an exasperated Paul Hollywood lost patience and floored the president with a single punch. Secret Service agents stepped in to protect Trump but not before the master baker had violently kneaded the presidents groin, screaming ‘You misogynistic pussy grabbing c**t!’
The contestants had just been set the challenge of baking a gingerbread wall able to thwart illegal immigration while retaining a crisp when the altercation occurred. Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, who’d replaced Mel and Sue as hosts for the Great British Bake Off, were heard to say “How do you attack the President of the USA, you just attack the President of the USA” and almost joined in the assault with battle baguettes, bread suitable for striking and sandwiches, until the camera crew stopped the pair telling them “He’s not worth it”.
Donal Trump later tweeted that “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE NATION IS UNDERTHREAT FROM FAKE NEWS BBC AND PAUL HOLLYWOOD. I WILL SEEK THE DEATH PENALTY FOR TREASON!” It is also expected that the reactionary president will attempt to reinstate the immigration ban that was suspended by the federal courts, with the United Kingdom added to the list of majority Muslim Middle Eastern countries .
Paul Hollywood now has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay and awaits trial, its unknown if Trump will press for capital punishment. The Nobel Committee has presented celebrity chef with an extraordinary Nobel Peace Prize citing that ‘No other act of Violence has brought hope and happiness to world, this while assailing the root of instability and conflict within the world’.
Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day
In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.
Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.
Other measures that have been implemented include:
- A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
- Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
- Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
- Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.
Mythological creature, commonly known as Father Christmas, was arrested on Christmas Day for being drunk in charge of animal powered vehicle.
His reindeer powered sleigh was stopped by the Police after swerving wildly on the A1(M) close to Peterborough, and after being breathalysed it was discovered that he’d consumed approximately 900000 glasses of assorted spirits and fortified wines along cannabis after with dropping a ‘J’ at the residence of Jeffrey Lebowski.
Due the severity of his offence, being at the top of the drink driving scale, Father Christmas was remanded, pending trial, in Azkaban. Police are also investigating a spate of breaking and entering cases where Father Christmas’ fingerprints being found at the scene of each offence.
If convicted of drink driving Father Christmas is expected to be sentenced to 5 years in prison followed by a 2 year driving ban. During this period it is expected that present manufacturing and delivery will be contracted out to G4S who have promised to distribute some form of gift to everyone by August, irrelevant if they have been naughty or nice: mostly as otherwise that would exclude its management team from being in receipt of a gift.
Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season
Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.
“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions; despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”
Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals
Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.
Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.
Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.
Santa Denied Work Permit in Post Brexit Britain
Following the EU referendum Santa has been denied a work permit and will be banned from delivering presents following the implementation of strict immigration controls. Boarder enforcement agencies have been issued with explicit orders to deny entry to illegal workers through any means, with Army and Royal Air Force both conducting training exercises in intercepting and eliminating a reindeer powered flying sleigh.
It has been suggested that this zero tolerance policy of Santa is following MI5 providing intelligence to Teresa May which suggested she was on the naughty and not nice list thus wouldn’t be getting any presents anyhow.
Donald Trump at Least ‘50% Hamster’ Claims Freddie Star
Notorious hamster muncher Freddie Star claims that he’d sampled Donald Trump and can confirm the president elect is part rodent, probably hamster.
The alleged comedian claims he met Trump at notorious Nottinghamshire dogging site Fanny’s Grove and in the car park was able to appraise the property tycoons structure.
“It tastes of rodent with a tang of liquorice” Starr claims, “he’s at least 50% hamster but all gentleman with the way he treated me”.
Donald Trump has not commented on these claims, but this could be because his cheeks were filled with food.
British Workers Shunned as Darth May Uses Ewoks to Build Death Star
Following Brexit and the reestablishment of the Empire Darth May pledged to reenergise the British Economy through an ambitious programme of capital investment, with the building of a supermassive space station able to destroy a planet being the centrepiece.
Following an investigation the Daily Moron revealed that the Death Star contract has been awarded to Bespin Cloud City, with it then being subcontracted to the Hutt Corp; a shadowy organisation registered in the offplanet taxhaven of Tatooine. Despite assurances that these capital projects would be built by British workers it’s been exposed that Ewoks have been used. These furry muppets in space working unpaid after being ordered to construct the spacestation by C3-P0, who they consider to be a god.
Labour Leader Obi Wan Corbin called this a ‘scandal, never before has there been a greater den of scum and villainy than the Conservative Party’, while UKIP Leader Jabba the Hutt was quoted as saying ‘this is sound business sense, getting the best deal for my bank balance…sorry for the county’ before suggesting that anyone who disagreed with him should feel his ‘rancours bite!’
In a statement to Parliament Darth May told MP’s that the Death Star will enable the British Empire to take its place on the top table, along with Grand Moff Trump and Chancellor Merkel. The recently retired aircraft carrier HMS Illustrious will be replaced by a fleet of Star Detroyers to ‘enable Britania to rule the waves, skys and space but anyone who wants Naboo and its bloody Gungans can jolly well have them!’
Following a review of historical urine samples Germany has been awarded victory in WWII, with the Allied team lead by Russia, USA and United Kingdom being disqualified for doping violations.
It is believed that the current Russian doping scandal stretches beyond sport, with soldiers and bomb dogs being ‘as juicy as hell’ throughout the second world war.
Germany will be formally awarded victory in WWII on Christmas day, with the Allied team to begin making war reparations on 1st January, with interest on the $300bn backdated to 1945.
Along with Germany the other Axis powers, Italy and Japan, will be awarded permanent seats upon the UN Security Council replacing Russia, China and United Kingdom. France will become the 5th Republic and handed over to Marie Le Penn, the heir to the Vici Regime while the United States will remain under the Trump who it is believed would be viewed as a ‘tad mental’ even by the Third Reich. There will be continuity within the UK, but with Princess Beatrice and Eugenie being declared co regents until Boris Johnson grows up. When asked about her meddling with British dynastic politics Angela Merkel shrugged and replied ‘why not’.
From 25th December all history books will be judged void and will be reprinted with the German interpretation of events. The Deutschmark will replace the Euro, Rouble and Pound, becoming the only legal currency within Europe. Brexit will become Brenter, with the British Parliament and Supreme Court moved to Belgium to enable the country to be truly governed by Brussels.
The Queen is thought to be pleased that the nation of her families heritage won the Second World War and will return to be known as Elizabeth Sax Kohlberg Goethe.
He’d Never Be Voted Off Strictly Govern UK says Johnson!
Strictly Star Ed Balls would salsa into government if Boris Johnson became Prime Minister sources close to the Foreign Secretary told journalists yesterday.
The unnamed source said that the former Labour front bencher and TV dancing sensation would be offered a peerage, with Lord Balls of the Blackpool Empress Ballroom becoming the government spokesperson for the Trade and Development.
An economist by training, having lectured at both Harvard and Oxford, Balls will be tasked with injecting some cha cha cha into the British economy with a fiscal jive, making Britain great again and putting a spring back into our quick step.
“It won’t be a balls up when Ed’s finished, even Craig Revel Horwood will award his puffed out Paso Doble of prosperity 10 points!” this source is claimed to have said.