Category Archives: Uncategorized

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“Say Thank You”, Robert Jenrick Demands Gratitude from Former Colonies.

Tory Leadership also ran Robert Jenrick stated Britains former colonies should be grateful for the legacy of empire, with leather and ironwork industries cited as something countries that were part of the British Empire developed in nations

“Yes we killed the indigenous population, then we killed slaves who did not accept they were our possessions but it wasn’t all bad” Robert Jenrick told GB News, “those countries developed industries around slavery that they benefit from today”. 

The leadership candidate then talked about how Michael Gove, despite usually backing British, furnished the Stephen Milligan Memorial Dungeon with high quality implements of detention and discipline purchased from Trinidad.

Jenrick also criticised the growing momentum to provide reparations and justice to countries and people affected by transatlantic slavery. “I have been a slave, I spent three years serving Mistress Braverman and this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Some of those transported to the colonies spent most of their lives having a similar experience; the lucky bastards!”

Commonwealth leaders believe that, firstly, the time has come for a conversation about slave trade reparations and secondly people like Robert Jenrick should to get a grip on reality. Its not “leftists peddling pseudo-Marxist gibberish to the impressionable, at the time Britain was shitty, cruel and a violent tyranny who decimated human lives by treating them as labouring property not people” declared Commonwealth Secretary-General Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey.

Robert Jenrick responded that “I’m not ashamed of our history, I was born a white British male thus have won the lottery of life”.

The Conservative leadership very hopeful, probably not a chance, ended the interview with an impromptu rendition of Venus in Furs by the Velvet Underground.

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Weeping Angel Expelled by Conservative Party

The Conservative Party has said the Weeping Angel was expelled “following the recommendation of a disciplinary panel”. The predatory alien with horrific demonic aspects, vampiric teeth, and clawed hands was seen as “too woke” for the modern-day Conservative Party declared panel chair Suella Braverman.

The Tories have now stripped the Weeping Angel of their party membership, another victim of the culture wars purge that has seen Darth Sidious, the Cylons, Montgomery Burns and the Fonz be cast out of the Conservatives.

Spoiled sadistic bully Joffrey Baratheon was seen as a rising start within the party until it was discovered his personal motto of ‘Ours is the Fury’ was a typo and should read ‘Ours is the Furry’ and in private the amoral sadistic tyrant identifies as a dire wolf, subordinate to his pack leader; fellow furry Michael Fabricant.  

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Rishi Sunak Subject to Investigation in Betting Scandal

The Prime Minister has become the latest politician to be subject to investigation by the gambling watchdog, after admitting he put £500 on the election date just 10 minutes before announcing it outside 10 Downing Street.

As journalists waited in the rain outside 10 Downing Street the PM was having a flutter, the delay in announcing the election was caused by tech whiz Rishi Sunak trying to work out how to open a Paddy Power online account, and in his haste managed to wager £500 on 14th July. 10 Minutes later Sunak announced that the election would be held on 4th July.

Michael Gove, the levelling up secretary, likened this scandle to the Partygate Affair that also involved Rishi Sunak, and has led to the Labour Party wondering if it needs to spend any money on campaigning as the Tory Party are happily doing their work for them.

“Not only are the Tories showing their selfish crooks but they’re incompetent, how can you trust this man to run a country when he cant win a wager he already knows the result of! Cretin!” Kier Stamer told journalists in his daily briefing before cancelling all future briefings to spend more time “laughing at Conservative Party fuck ups”, before reminding everyone that his father “was a tool maker”.

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Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

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News in Brief

William Wragg right to apologise, says Rishi Sunak

The Prime Minister has accepted the honey trap MP’s, William Wragg, apology.

“I would have liked to have my telephone number shared and naked photos be sent to me but alas this didn’t happen, William Wragg has apologised and s now making recompense. I am enjoying my daily dick pic; today it was a picture of Boris Johnson”.

Trump Eats Like a Pig

Off the record accounts on David Camerons meeting with Donald trump report that the former US President ‘eats like a pig’ with no idea which spoon to use for soup or aware that he should chew with his mouth closed. Rumours are unconfirmed that the Foreign Minister got aroused at Trumps hoglike troffing, reminding him of university days at the Bullingdon Club.

Wilson Had an Affair While In Home Guard

Former Prime Minister Harold Wilson had an affair while in the Home Guard it has been revealed. Mavis Pike, mother of fellow Home Guardsman Frank Pike, published letters between herself and Wilson in which their intimate relationship was detailed along with Wilsons burgeoning political ambitions as he helped the wartime cabinet as a civil servant. In the last letter, sent just after Wilsons marriage to Mary Baldwin, the future Prime Minister proclaimed his longing for Mavis to put his ‘pipe’ in her mouth one more time and that Frank Pike, despite Captain Mainwaring rightly calling him a ‘stupid boy’, has more brain cells than Lord Halifax and Lord Gort combined.

John Cena Not Hoopy Frood Who Knows Where His Towel Is

Despite being a mindbogglingly stupid animal the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal has eaten wrestler John Cene at Wrestlemania XL, becoming the WWE Heavyweight Champion in the process.

‘You can’t see me’ claimed the WWE wrestler, wafting his hand in front of his eyes to avoid the beasts gaze. Alas the daft as a brush animal loss of vision was only temporary and soon began chomping upon Mr Cena in front of a stunned 60000 audience.

Multiple stars ran in to help the stricken wrestler but all failed, eventually the crowd popped to cries of “Head, Head, Head” when the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal held Cena’s lifeless head to its face and started having a conversation with it.

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Sunak ‘Confident’ Can Get Car Up and Running

Prime minister sure he can lead family on trip to Legoland during Easter Holiday despite numerous setbacks.

‘I am committed to taking the children on the Dragon Ride and walking through the Miniland with his wife’ Sunak told journalists ‘This is important for the family, all I need to do is work out how to start the car and make the short drive to Windsor’.

Sunaks repeated attempts to get the car up and running have failed due to loosing keys, losing his way politically and losing his height boosting shoes required to make sure he’s tall enough to get on the rides.

The Prime Minister and his family are currently trapped in the stationary family car as Sunak refuses to relinquish driving duties despite being unsure what pedal does what in the automatic car. His children have asked him to step aside and let someone else have a go at leading the Legoland bound party, but Sunak has refused.

Its is reported that Penny Mordaunt has offered to help out, but she has publicly denied this.

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News in Thong!

Like news in brief but even shorter!

Historians studying the Royal Archives at Highgrove discovered Queen Victoria had 17 Husbands during her reign. Some of these husbands were other peoples and not her own. On 14th May 1854 she entertained six husbands in her Balmoral boudoir and afterwards informed Prime Minster Disraeli ‘One is not amused, one is sexually sated’.

According to this years A Level History Syllabus the ‘Diet of Worms’ was where Martin Luther and Charles V agreed to eat nought but protein rich wriggly creatures to loose weight, embarking on the first recorded Akins Diet. The Department of Education publicly claimed that hackers were responsible but trusted sources within the department blame Michael Gove.

Nine out of Ten Americans over the age of 40 believe that Chris Columbus discovered the Americas while having a break in the filming of Harry Potter and Philosophers Stone. Until the early 2000’s the continent was unknow to anyone beyond some vague references in Viking sagas and Hollywood movies.

In another colossal error of judgement The Post Office celebrated ‘World Forgiveness Day’ by releasing a stamp of Alan Bates and Paula Venelles embraced in a passionate kiss. Initially the Post Office claimed it was an undoctured photo on the stamp until journalists pointed out the obviously AI generated image included two people, six arms and Paula Venelles having the tongue of a viper.

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Order of the Phoenix Lose Second Wizarding War After Potter Doping Confirmed

The Order of the Phoenix and associated groups such as Dumbledores Army have been stripped of its 1998 Second Wizarding War victory after Harry Potter failed a doping test the Ministry of Magic have confirmed.

It found that Harry Potter used the banned substance ‘Felix Felicis’, and is the biggest doping scandal in the wizarding world since Ilvermorny alumni Lance Armstrong used a supply of Strengthening Solutions during his 5 Tour de France victories.

Potter has blamed his failed test on erroneous advice from Hogwarts Teacher Horace Slughorn. However, under the strict liability rules of the Wizarding Anti-Doping Agency, that is no defence.

In a statement Potter said: “I accept WADAs decision with sadness. I would like to make it clear that I unknowingly consumed a banned substance this was the reason why an anti-doping rule violation occurred. I sincerely regret that this has inadvertently led to the Order of the Phoenix’s  forfeiture of the Second Wizarding War. I would like to apologise to every Witch, Wizard and muggle alike for the impact which this has had on them. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life.”

The news means that the Death Eaters, led by Lord Voldemort, have been awarded the Second Wizarding War win. “Due to unscrupulous behaviour of drug cheat Harry Potter Lord Voldemort is no longer alive, Alecto and Amycus Carrow have been crowned victors and we now bow to their supreme authority” the new Minister of Magic Lucious Malfoy decreed after installing his son, Draco, as headmaster of Hogwarts.

All members of the Order of the Phoenix have been requested to report to Azkaban for internment, those who refuse this request will be hunted down with extreme prejudice. At Draco Malfoys request Ron Weasley has been pardoned as he poses no danger, even with wand in hand is armed but extremely useless, possessing the emotional range of a teaspoon and threat of kumquat.

Despite now living in a Death Eater dictatorship it has been observed that most of the United Kingdom have failed to notice anything unusual has occurred due to suffering from 12 years of Conservative government.

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Locals Brought Back to the Lake District

More than 200 captive-bred locals have been released at a secret location near Elsmere, a part of an attempt to create a thriving rural economy in Cumbria.

Locals have nearly been wiped out in many parts of the country due the lack of affordable housing and lack of jobs, with dwellings bought as second homes or converted into Air BnB’s.

This reintroduction is the first in the Lake District, with Locals given new homes at a temporary release glamping pen before being allocated residences after acclimatising to the local area.

 This release is the culmination of more than two years of work restoring community to Cumbria, a project that has included a campaign to ‘know thy neighbour’, replacing prevalence of ‘ignore thy neighbour and if they knock on the door turn the tele up/pretend you’re out’. ‘Love thy neighbour’ was briefly trialed but this was abandoned after a number of broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies and scandal when the priest married a parishioner and is now self-identifying as Catherine.

The project is managed by the Royal Society for the Protection of Commoners, according to the charity in the past century the population of locals has dropped from eight million to 132000, disappearing from 94% of the sites they’d previously occupied.

The RSPC was set up to lobby parliament with regards to field sports of Navvy Hunting and Serf Coursing and the shooting of labourers instead of paying them; common practice within the landed gentry. The push to escape these practices, along with the lack of rural employment and housing pulling commoners to the towns and cities has left Cumbria bereft of people to cook, clean and do menial jobs around the farm. This role was briefly filled with foreigners but thanks to voting overwhelming for Brexit the need for locals has been amplified.      

RSPB conservation scientist Dr Ashely Lyons said locals had become a “missing piece” of this landscape.

“Through their toils the local echo system works, they’re an important part of the chain enabling the lives of the privileged. It’s fabulous to see them back here.”

“It was exciting to set them free in the Cumbrian landscape”, Dame Eva Greaves, from the Westbourne Estate said, “its lovely to see locals back where they should be”. It is believed that Dame Eva will be providing accommodation and jobs for acclimatised locals, promising not to shoot, injure or maim any unlike her ancestors where ‘old Bessie’, an ancient blunderbuss, has over 50 kill notches upon its butt.  

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‘Pump Me Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven’ Claims Boris Johnson

Prime Minister Boris Johnson celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating pancakes yesterday and announcing he has given up lying for lent.

“Pump e Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven! I know it’ll be a wrench but to fully experience the privation of this solemn observance one must give up something you really love and, as I honestly can’t give up creating illegitimate children, I’ll be giving up the next best thing; lying”.  

“I’m a champion tosser, in fact yesterday I was tossing in the kitchen with the curtains open for all to see!” the Prime Minister told journalists before re-counting the annual pancake race around Parliament Square, where 15 MP’s competed to see who is the quickest tosser and can come quickest over the line.  

Since that announcement Boris Johnson has remained silent, it is believed he is sincere in the endeavour not to lie for 40 days and 40 nights; a period when its expected the Prime Minister to only say ‘I love you’ when looking in a mirror.

For the sake of humanity Priti Patel has been persuaded to give up oxygen for lent. The new Home Secretary will be announced shortly but it is believed a cockroach would be a more popular choice then the recently asphyxiated current incumbent