Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily: 6th April 2015

Rainbow Rehab Report – Supporting Bungle in Need

The Rainbow Rehab Centre, set up to support Bungle, Zippy and George following the popular TV shows cancellation and their subsequent mental health crisis, has released its annual report detailing the progress that its only remaining patient has made in rehabilitating himself back into children’s television.

 Zippy and George, with the help of makeup and prosthetics, have reinvented themselves as popular TV personalities Ant and Dec  but Bungle remains mentally detached from reality; believing himself to be either former Conservative Minister Norman Tebbit or a staple remover call Egbert.

 Thanks to the work by our clinical psychologists, Dr Sooty and Dr R Rat, great strides have been made and we praise their continued endeavours. 

 It’s My Colonoscopy and I’ll Cry if I Want to!

 Wince and cry, artist David Chivers and Chesterfield University Hospitals have captured patients true experiences of enduring a colonoscopy. The installation, ‘A Pain in the Bum’, can be found in the main reception.

 This is one of many cutting edge art installations that Chesterfield University Hospitals have premiered including Damian Hurst and Jeremy Hunts collaboration ‘Health Requiem’, the NHS Budget sliced in half and pickled in formaldehyde.  

 CQC Panic Stations!

 We have nothing to hide but in response to the Care Quality Commissions impending inspection Chesterfield University Hospitals archives are now quarantined  after they were contaminated with Plutonium and will remain dangerously radioactive until 2250.

 We apologies to all that these archives cannot be inspected and that the only available data on years 2000 to 2015 being the memories of key members of staff who have been given exceptional bribes all expense paid research sabbaticals  to the Seychelles thus will not be available for interview.

 White Nose Day Update

 This years white nose day was a resounding success, we now own a swimming pool filled with sharks for ‘staff motivational’ purposes and all of Greece’s national debt. Unless this is paid in full by 9am 15th April Chesterfield University Hospitals will be taking ownership of Create, to where the management will relocate to new open plan beach offices.  

Bonkers, Epic Bonkers

Noah (2014) Dr: Darren Aronofsky

In the beginning there was ‘Lord of the Rings’ and everything was good, alas greed and hubris crept into the world, devouring the ‘The Hobbit’ and leaving behind nought but a pile of putrid goo gracing the cinema screens. God decreed that ‘Noah’ save this fragile planet, washing away the stench of pretentious avarice with an almighty deluge… and if that sounds mad you’ve seen nothing yet.

Noah is bonkers, epic and enjoyable but bonkers all the same. Crowe chews the screen in his zealous devotion to Gods will, rock monsters (voiced by Optimus Prime) provide the manual labour and if you build it they will come; the fauna of the planet walking, flying, creeping and crawling aboard the ark to be sedated with soporific incense This while king of the orcs, sorry tribes of Cain, goes to war with Noah for why should this veggie echo mentalist get to go on a cruise and have all the fun?

Shockingly within all the madness there is poinancy, the seven days of creation reimagined and everything was good. The delemmia of fealty to ones Lords command weighed against compassion to the dammed innocent an underlying theme as Noah sets sail to wipe the stench of human corruption from the planet but true to the Biblical text he just ends up getting drunk in nought but his birthday suit. ‘As it was’, probably not but entertaining cinematic lunacy upon a grand scale.

Headlines I’d love to see…

Traces of Ewok found in Beef Burgers”

Ewok DNA found in burgers across the Galactic Empire, McJabba processing plant blamed.

Uturn over Scrapper of GCSE’s”

Driver repeatedly runs over Michael Gove in badly executed attempt to change direction.

Commons Backs Gay Marriage Bill”

MP’s give the tumbs up to happiness within wedlock

Lego Party Begins Election Campaign”

Brick by Brick we’ll build a better Britain claims toy manufacturer.


BNP Sponsors Olympics

Jumping on the Olympic sponsorship bandwagon the British National Party has become the official ‘Far Right Fascist of the 2012 Olympics’.  The £6m deal means the party can now use the 5 rings logo on its promotional material and its leader, Nick Griffin, will be a guest of honour at the opening ceremony. It is believed he will be seated next between Robert Mugabe and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Seb Coe claimed that London 2012 would not be influenced by the new sponsor but it’s been reviled that the archery competition will be held at ‘Agincourt Stadium’ while the German national anthem will be replaced with the Great Escape theme.

The most controversial policy linked to the BNP sponsorship deal has been ‘British Medals for British Athletes’, with stringent immigration tests for foreign competitors and any showing winning potential refused entry into the country.

‘We minted the medals, we should be allowed to win them’ Lord Coe told journalist.

Higgs Boson ‘Gimped’

The coveted prize in particle physics, the Higgs boson, has been gimped by researchers at the Large Hardon Collider (LHC).

Finding the Higgs boson is viewed to be the biggest scientific advance in the last 50 years, during yesterdays webcast researchers at the LHC announced that not only had they discovered it lurking around 124 GeV but that it had been collared, masked and shackled to prevent it escaping.

Professor Chivers told the world press that this basic building block of the universe was now under ‘strict control’, following this statement fears have arisen. It has been rumored that the fundamental particle will be commanded to distort our physical reality; one whispered cause of  today’s Euro crash being the Higgs boson provided additional mass  to the currency, dragging it down to a record low against the Dollar.

Professor Chivers said the LHC will not abuse the Higgs boson but confirmed that the sub atomic particle would not be permitted to comment on its treatment.

 On other related news in interviews the neutrinos that smashed the speed of light told that their record breaking sprint from the LHC was a bid for freedom, to escape being dressed as maids and forced to serve Professor Chivers and his Machiavellian researchers.

Higgs Bosen Found!

 “We have found it, the ‘God Particle’ exists”

These are Professor Chivers words as he informed the world that the Cern Particle Physics Laboratory had observed the Higgs Boson, a key component of particle physic’s ‘Standard Model’. 

Red face he continued “Um, yeah, we’ve spent billions building the Large Hadron Collider but it looks like the Higgs Boson has been hanging out in the Vatican all this time, giving mass in the Sistine Chapel”.

“Further experiments have shown it can be found throughout the Catholic Church, hanging outside schools, on the internet and strangely around the disgraced pop star Garry Glitter”.

The Higgs Boson formed as the universe cooled following the Big Bang, generating mass thus preventing particles racing through space at light speed.

“We made all these expensive white elephants and bankrupted Europe in the process when instead we should have been looking in locations where children congregate for the Higgs Boson delights in youth and vitality”.

Experiments by the Large Hadron Collider have produced some interesting finding, most spectacularly that neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light. Since September 173 scientific papers have provided theoretical solutions to this challenge of Einstein’s theory of special relativity, most agreeing that the solution is quiet simple.

Dr Wieloch, director of ‘Paris Institute of Scientific Studies explained “What we have here is an example of a sub atomic particle giving 110% as promised in the boardroom. You see team Lepton is competing against team Quark in the Physic’s Apprentice. After last weeks failure to find a unified theory the Neutrinos hung on by the skin of their teeth so needed to pull off something big to keep in the process. You can’t give more than 100% and you can’t break the speed of light but somehow those Neutrinos have done both; science doesn’t get more exciting than this”