Sloth Hallelujah

I heard there was a sloth that snored
He slept a lot cause he was bored
And you don’t care for moving do you?
He came down but once a week
To defecate, to take a leak
The lazy sloth composed a hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had a brain but you needed proof
He hung from a tree with sky for roof
No muscle did he move may I ask you?
Digesting leaves and breaking wind
From his bottom a song did sing
The tune of gods secret hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had three toes despite his name
His attempts at preening were so lame
If he did you`ld never notice would you?
There’s a blaze of green in his hair
In the trees he did nowt but stare
Dreaming of a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He did his best, it wasn’t much
He hated living in his hutch
No one wanted to visit him do you?
Even though the crowd did throng
No one in the zoo liked his song
Who cared as he played his hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

PM Apologies for Remarks to Female MPs

In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.

“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.

‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.

During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.

A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.

“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.

When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”

England Win Cricket World Cup

In a tense last over James Anderson lofted the ball skyward raised his bat and smiled as it sailed over the boundary rope for 6, not only had he scored a maiden first class century but in a dramatic last man partnership the out of form bowler and James Trott had guided England to the most sensational of World Cup victories.

Three days ago England were little but demoralized, defeated quarter finalist; now they are champions of the world. Likewise New Zealand were shocked to find themselves contesting a finial after being overwhelmed by Sri Lanka in the semi finials but following sensational revelations involving back street bookies, George Osborne, the ghost of Hansie Cronje and a shady Mr Big all teams have been thrown out of this years championships for match fixing; all teams except for England and New Zealand that is.

Both teams were recalled to contest the finial, hastily pulling together players who’d scattered across the globe, holidaying after a long, hard winter.

‘One minute I was going down with my wife at the Great Barrier Reef, next minute the scuba diving holiday was scrapped and I was taking the next flight to Mumbai’  winning captain Andres Strauss told Test Match Special ‘This winters been tough but Im so proud of the team to end it by being crowned world champions. Hats off to Trotts and Jimmie Anderson, to take us from 42 for 9 to win the game is unbelievable!’

Starting well New Zealand powered their way to 278 with big hitting from Ross Taylor and Brendon McCullum. After an impromptu performance by New Zealands 4th greatest a novelty-folk band ‘Flight of the Concords’ the Black Caps opened with spin from both ends on a turning wicket. In his second over Vettorri becoming the first bowler to take 5 wickets in a row and soon it looked all over bar the shouting as wickets tumbled.

Then James Anderson took to the field in bright yellow pads and gloves, borrowed from Ricky Ponting, after his gear had been lost by Heathrow baggage handlers. Taking guard he survived a first ball bouncer clattering his helmet and suddenly fireworks erupted from the batting crease.

“The spirit of Devon Malcolm entered my head” Anderson told reporters ‘Like the big man I thought ‘That’s it youre dead’ after taking a knock. He took nine wickets, I scored a tonne’. 

Powerful over the top hitting from Anderson supported by a dogged 121 by Trott suddenly made the game winnable. As the winning shot was struck a screaming Michael Vaughn leapt from the BBC Commentary box and joined the England side as they raced onto the pitch to congratulate the triumphant batsmen while Jonathon Agnew passed Geoffrey Boycott a knife, fork and some ketchup; the former England opener regretting stating he’d eat his shoes if England managed to win.

As England celebrated an ICC investigation team announced the shady ‘Mr Big’ was Communities Secretary Eric Pickles who helped broker deals where matches were fixed enabling George Osborne to literally ‘bet the house’ on their outcome, the deeds to Palace of Westminster being placed on the outcome of Pakistan vs India. Proceeds of these outlandish gambles being a dramatic attempt to solve the budget deficit without further cuts in public spending.

“In these desperate times we have to do everything in our power to bring order back to the public finances” the Chancellor told Andrew Marr, winking he told the BBC’s Political Editor “I`ld bet the defense budget on the 4:13 at Chepstow, in fact I have”.