Chesterfield Hospitals Daily 03/07/15

Spending Review Update

Following NHS cuts Chesterfield University Hospitals will be dramatically amending standard operating procedures.

 

  • All general anaesthetic will no longer be administered by a trained anaesthetist, instead it`ll be administered by a hammer.
  • Following the success of the ‘great British Sewing Bee’ surgical stitching has been outsourced to the Newbold Patchwork Society, whose members will take time out from their craft making to perform much needed medical needlework.
  • When blood supplies are running low ketchup is a low cost alternative and is in plentiful supply within the hospital shop.
  • Death has been added to the criteria used to officially categorise an operation ‘successful’.

 

iHospital Update – How to Email an Attachment

 

Following technical issues new guidelines have been written on how to email an attachment, which are as follows:

-Print the document out then, find someone going in the general direction of the intended recipient. Staple the document to this person, it is now the recipients job to hunt down the carrier and snatch it as they pass.

This should resolve the situation.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 21st May 2015

Conservative Triumph Celebrated at Chesterfield University Hospitals               

We like our football team playing in blue and we like our politicians blue, and this isn’t just referring to the time David Cameron called Boris Johnson a Cucking Funt. We celebrate the Conservative Parties triumph at the ballet box and look forward to additional private sector involvement in the NHS.

Instead of ‘Red Ed’, Marvin the Socialist Paranoid Android, we’ve got ‘pumped up’ David Cameron and his glorious Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, at the tiller. There is nought that can go wrong and Chesterfield University Hospitals looks forward to the extra funding this sycophantic toadying deserves.

A New Start in the Care of Women

We would like to welcome Spirites Health to the Chesterfield University Hospitals after their successful bid to run Womens Health services. Lead by departing Chesterfield University Hospitals Clinical Director David Chivers Spirites Health will bring private sector savvy and best practice to the care of female patients while accepting no compromise to their profit margin which can only benefit patients, somehow.

“We  are delighted to be working with Spirites Health, who are already seen as the gold standard in providing profitable community services” Clinical Director David Chivers told journalists in one finial act before leaving Chesterfield University Hospitals, “their innovative practices will bring best value, mostly to my Swiss bank account ”.

Already Spirites Health have rebranded all nursing staff as Womens Health Operational Resource – Employee Solution  (WHOR-ES) and have changed their working uniforms accordingly; Dr David Chivers is looking forward to inspecting his new team shortly.

Dying Recognition Week

Today is the first day of ‘Dying Recognition Week’, where the nation remembers all entertainers who’ve treaded the boards and failed to raise a smile, a titter or a giggle from the audience.

Here at Chesterfield University Hospitals Dramatic Injuries Unit specialists in treating bruised egos, broken careers, hissy fits and dramatic flounces; most famously providing ongoing care to Jonny Depp following his 2013 box office flop ‘The Lone Ranger’.

The Dramatic Injuries Unit nursing team will be singing a medley of United Kingdom’s recent Eurovision entries, the graveyard musical careers.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 8th April 2015

Q: Who Pays for NHS Fraud?

A: The tax payer! As all board members of Chesterfield University Hospitals have tax exempt non domicile status it’s not them thus if any employee using the public purse for clandestine private profit it’s all ok with them! A 10% fee will be levied on all disclosed scams or swindles, for this the perpetrator will receive protected status and Chesterfield University Hospitals will turn two blind eyes, refusing to assist law enforcement officials with any enquiries.

Prayer for a Pony

Well a horse actually, Lead Chaplain Steve Proudlove will be leading prayers on Friday in the Chapel in the hope it’ll assist JeepersCreepers as it attempts the Grand National. With odds of 10-1 Chesterfield University Hospitals hopes its £1m punt will come trumps up and wipe out the hospitals 2014/15 deficit in one fell swoop.

Share Your Experiences with the CQC

Staff are encouraged to share their experiences of Chesterfield University Hospitals with the Care Quality Commission during their visit from 21st to 24th April, raising any concerns or queries during these meetings.

Volunteer from senior management and nursing staff will be present at these meetings to take notes, it is NOT TO INTIMIDATE STAFF!!!! This cannot be stressed enough and any negative comments raised with the CQC will not have a detrimental impact upon the following months employee appraisals.

In additional HR have details of everyones home address thus WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! It is hoped that the CQC will not be too bothered by staff expressing their unease at goings on with Chesterfield University Hospitals.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily: 6th April 2015

Rainbow Rehab Report – Supporting Bungle in Need

The Rainbow Rehab Centre, set up to support Bungle, Zippy and George following the popular TV shows cancellation and their subsequent mental health crisis, has released its annual report detailing the progress that its only remaining patient has made in rehabilitating himself back into children’s television.

 Zippy and George, with the help of makeup and prosthetics, have reinvented themselves as popular TV personalities Ant and Dec  but Bungle remains mentally detached from reality; believing himself to be either former Conservative Minister Norman Tebbit or a staple remover call Egbert.

 Thanks to the work by our clinical psychologists, Dr Sooty and Dr R Rat, great strides have been made and we praise their continued endeavours. 

 It’s My Colonoscopy and I’ll Cry if I Want to!

 Wince and cry, artist David Chivers and Chesterfield University Hospitals have captured patients true experiences of enduring a colonoscopy. The installation, ‘A Pain in the Bum’, can be found in the main reception.

 This is one of many cutting edge art installations that Chesterfield University Hospitals have premiered including Damian Hurst and Jeremy Hunts collaboration ‘Health Requiem’, the NHS Budget sliced in half and pickled in formaldehyde.  

 CQC Panic Stations!

 We have nothing to hide but in response to the Care Quality Commissions impending inspection Chesterfield University Hospitals archives are now quarantined  after they were contaminated with Plutonium and will remain dangerously radioactive until 2250.

 We apologies to all that these archives cannot be inspected and that the only available data on years 2000 to 2015 being the memories of key members of staff who have been given exceptional bribes all expense paid research sabbaticals  to the Seychelles thus will not be available for interview.

 White Nose Day Update

 This years white nose day was a resounding success, we now own a swimming pool filled with sharks for ‘staff motivational’ purposes and all of Greece’s national debt. Unless this is paid in full by 9am 15th April Chesterfield University Hospitals will be taking ownership of Create, to where the management will relocate to new open plan beach offices.  

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 10.02.15

Nurse-Led Discharge Unit Gains New Sponsor

Chesterfield University Hospitals are proud to announce that the nurse-led discharge unit will now be known as the Anne Summers Discharge Unit from today.

The unit aims to ensure patients have a smooth and pleasant discharge, with additional funds and uniforms provided by Anne Summer ensuring the newly christened ‘Rabbit Ward’ has suitable staffing levels allowing nurses to provide close, hands on, attention.

“Our aim is to make sure patients leave this hospital with a smile on their faces and with the help of Anne Summers we can give everyone a happy ending to their stay” Medical Director Dr Chivers told the Press.

iHospital – Share Your Views

Following the outrage caused by this weekends iHospital outrage, where Chesterfield University Hospital was left with only one working computer, the views of staff are sought in a pretence of being an employer that listens to its staff. The tick box exercise will take place between 10th February and 23rd February, then the results will be ignored and all records of the survey expunged from the hospitals records.

The finance department has also been decontaminated following an outbreak of Norovirus, the cause of contagion an infected; even the departments low tech solutions to iHospital related issues have been hit by a bug.

iHospital: Apple Revolutionises Healthcare

iHospital: Chesterfield University Hospitals and Apple Unite to Transform Healthcare

01 April 2014

 Chesterfield University Hospitals has signed contracts with Apple to transform patient services through their innovative iHospital ap.

 Available on iPhones and iPads this ap will enable the patient to diagnose then treat common ailments and conduct, self administered, minor operations.

 The new system will be fully supported by virtual clinicians; guiding patients through best practice, writing prescriptions and most importantly treating them in the comforting environment of home. Patients with access to a 3D printer will be able to manufacture their own implements and medical supplies, then with the aid of easily available pain killers such as paracetamol, operate thanks to‘Apple Surgical Solutions’ (ASS). ASS will even provide details of local drug dealers in case opiate based pain relief is required following an adverse event.

 Dr David Chivers said“Safety is crucial, using the phones gyroscopic thingy a patients hand tremor will be tested, only the steadiest will be allowed to perform anything but the simplest of surgery; with ASS we’re confident that soon 9 out of 10 men will soon be repairing their own hernia’s and home vasectomies will be the norm.”

 “The collaboration between Apple and Chesterfield University Hospitals is about putting our patients in a position where they’re more involved in their own care, in a safer and more effective manner than costly visits to hospital. The NHS needs to up its game and this is the right thing to do. With free Wi-Fi onsite those not so confident in home surgery are welcome to operate in the Concourse, reassured by constant flow of medical practitioners buying coffee and cakes; meaning help is seconds away in case of an accident or emergency”.

To facilitate this safe self surgery a new ‘ASS Zone’ has been prepared next to Costa Coffee, populated today by executives and directors demonstrating how technological innovations are transforming the patient experience. Dr Jayne Cooper’s mild mishap stress testing the emergency procedure, when the screen froze nearby junior doctors interrupted their breakfasts and leapt into action, preventing a potential fatal haemorrhage while the 3D Printer was switched on and off again.

An additional module can be purchased, enabling the budding home MD to complete cosmetic surgery at home,“Why pay £5000 for a silicone breast enlargement when for a £5 download and a handful of plastercine you can go from go from a B to a D cup, and its non toxic to boot!”