Tag Archives: Politics

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US Government Pauses Intelligence

Superpower and world largest economy, the USA, has pushed the worlds future into doubt with a pause on intelligence; instead making policy based upon JD Vance’s ‘Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit’.

Each morning the Vice President will deputise for Milania Trump, fellate his master, then shake his ‘Magic Ball of Bullshit’ that will decide any important decisions that need to be made that day. This morning the White House Press Office informed journalists that:

42 Byzantine Officials executed in 845 for refusing to convert to Isam would be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Pope Nicolas V is to be excommunicated for being too woke.

Coats Land in Antarctica is to be renamed Chillie, Chillie is to be renamed Gulf of Mexico.

The SAS, a UK Special Forces unit, is to be disbanded for making US Special Forces look incompetent.

Singapore is to be declared the world’s largest art installation and will be sold at Sothebys New York in June.

Yesterday’s decision to end support to Ukraine has been stricken from the record following news reaching the Vice President regarding the Battle of Aizkraukle, where Lithuania defeated the Livonian Order in 1279.

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“Say Thank You”, Robert Jenrick Demands Gratitude from Former Colonies.

Tory Leadership also ran Robert Jenrick stated Britains former colonies should be grateful for the legacy of empire, with leather and ironwork industries cited as something countries that were part of the British Empire developed in nations

“Yes we killed the indigenous population, then we killed slaves who did not accept they were our possessions but it wasn’t all bad” Robert Jenrick told GB News, “those countries developed industries around slavery that they benefit from today”. 

The leadership candidate then talked about how Michael Gove, despite usually backing British, furnished the Stephen Milligan Memorial Dungeon with high quality implements of detention and discipline purchased from Trinidad.

Jenrick also criticised the growing momentum to provide reparations and justice to countries and people affected by transatlantic slavery. “I have been a slave, I spent three years serving Mistress Braverman and this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Some of those transported to the colonies spent most of their lives having a similar experience; the lucky bastards!”

Commonwealth leaders believe that, firstly, the time has come for a conversation about slave trade reparations and secondly people like Robert Jenrick should to get a grip on reality. Its not “leftists peddling pseudo-Marxist gibberish to the impressionable, at the time Britain was shitty, cruel and a violent tyranny who decimated human lives by treating them as labouring property not people” declared Commonwealth Secretary-General Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey.

Robert Jenrick responded that “I’m not ashamed of our history, I was born a white British male thus have won the lottery of life”.

The Conservative leadership very hopeful, probably not a chance, ended the interview with an impromptu rendition of Venus in Furs by the Velvet Underground.

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Rishi Sunak Subject to Investigation in Betting Scandal

The Prime Minister has become the latest politician to be subject to investigation by the gambling watchdog, after admitting he put £500 on the election date just 10 minutes before announcing it outside 10 Downing Street.

As journalists waited in the rain outside 10 Downing Street the PM was having a flutter, the delay in announcing the election was caused by tech whiz Rishi Sunak trying to work out how to open a Paddy Power online account, and in his haste managed to wager £500 on 14th July. 10 Minutes later Sunak announced that the election would be held on 4th July.

Michael Gove, the levelling up secretary, likened this scandle to the Partygate Affair that also involved Rishi Sunak, and has led to the Labour Party wondering if it needs to spend any money on campaigning as the Tory Party are happily doing their work for them.

“Not only are the Tories showing their selfish crooks but they’re incompetent, how can you trust this man to run a country when he cant win a wager he already knows the result of! Cretin!” Kier Stamer told journalists in his daily briefing before cancelling all future briefings to spend more time “laughing at Conservative Party fuck ups”, before reminding everyone that his father “was a tool maker”.

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Full statement from Rishi Sunak explaining why he is defecting to Labour, party that ‘looks to the future’

Today I announce that I have decided to join the Labour Party and that I will sit in Parliament as a Labour MP.

When I was elected, the Conservative Party occupied the centre ground of British politics despite being led by a pig fucker and then the crop destroying naughty ministers daughter.

Since then, many things have changed. The elected Prime Minister and all round godlike genius, Boris Johnson, was ousted in a coup led by myself. Under my leadership, the Conservatives have become a byword for incompetence and division. The centre ground has been ditched, replaced by drive towards the right, at times my governments policies would make Hitler, Stalin, Davros and Joe Lycett go ‘oh that’s a bit harsh!’

Meanwhile the Labour Party has changed out of all recognition. Since 2019, it has moved on from Jeremy Corbyn and now, under Keir Starmer, occupies the centre ground of British politics and more importantly has a chance of winning the election. I am a mercenary and am willing to ditch my own government to remain in power. Like Churchill, a dog I deeply admire, I say ‘oh yes’ to keeping the red flag flying high.

I have carefully considered this decision. Probably more than carefully than those made during the Covid pandemic, as I spent most of it partying with DJ Johnson and the Number 10 Massive.  We need to move on from the broken promises of my tired and chaotic Government. Britain needs a Government that will build a future of hope, optimism, opportunity and fairness. A Britain everyone can be part of, that will make the most of the opportunities that lie ahead. That’s why it’s time for change. Time for a Labour Government led by Keir Starmer. The General Election cannot come soon enough.

As Prime Minister it was in my power to call this General Election but unfortunately I am incompetent and should be remembered as a sub par politician whose failed to even reach the grade of Liz Truss, let alone Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, Michael Green and Sebastian Fox.

I submit this statement to the house, alas I cant be there in person as I’m locked in the lavatory and awaiting assistance.

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Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

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Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

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News in Brief

William Wragg right to apologise, says Rishi Sunak

The Prime Minister has accepted the honey trap MP’s, William Wragg, apology.

“I would have liked to have my telephone number shared and naked photos be sent to me but alas this didn’t happen, William Wragg has apologised and s now making recompense. I am enjoying my daily dick pic; today it was a picture of Boris Johnson”.

Trump Eats Like a Pig

Off the record accounts on David Camerons meeting with Donald trump report that the former US President ‘eats like a pig’ with no idea which spoon to use for soup or aware that he should chew with his mouth closed. Rumours are unconfirmed that the Foreign Minister got aroused at Trumps hoglike troffing, reminding him of university days at the Bullingdon Club.

Wilson Had an Affair While In Home Guard

Former Prime Minister Harold Wilson had an affair while in the Home Guard it has been revealed. Mavis Pike, mother of fellow Home Guardsman Frank Pike, published letters between herself and Wilson in which their intimate relationship was detailed along with Wilsons burgeoning political ambitions as he helped the wartime cabinet as a civil servant. In the last letter, sent just after Wilsons marriage to Mary Baldwin, the future Prime Minister proclaimed his longing for Mavis to put his ‘pipe’ in her mouth one more time and that Frank Pike, despite Captain Mainwaring rightly calling him a ‘stupid boy’, has more brain cells than Lord Halifax and Lord Gort combined.

John Cena Not Hoopy Frood Who Knows Where His Towel Is

Despite being a mindbogglingly stupid animal the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal has eaten wrestler John Cene at Wrestlemania XL, becoming the WWE Heavyweight Champion in the process.

‘You can’t see me’ claimed the WWE wrestler, wafting his hand in front of his eyes to avoid the beasts gaze. Alas the daft as a brush animal loss of vision was only temporary and soon began chomping upon Mr Cena in front of a stunned 60000 audience.

Multiple stars ran in to help the stricken wrestler but all failed, eventually the crowd popped to cries of “Head, Head, Head” when the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal held Cena’s lifeless head to its face and started having a conversation with it.

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Message to Headteachers within the Union of Socialist School Academies

Dear Comrades

As Supreme Leader it was good to see a number of my serfs at this week’s GEF and I look forward to some again at the Southern GEF shortly. There is no Northern GEF, I do not sully my immortal soul by visiting the north; being more than 45 minutes away from Harrods triggers anxiety attacks.  If you don’t know what a GEF is you will never know, we’ll never explain it nor will you be invited.

USSA Learning Leadership Symposium – All Heads

Invitations to the USSA Learning Leadership Symposium have been sent by email, attendance is voluntary but nonattendance will result banishment to Chesterfield and there employed as menial kitchen staff at Newbold Communsit School. The agenda must be memorised in advance but will not be distributed until three days after the symposium.

Retention of Payments – Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers

As Supreme Leader I am all knowing and those whose forte threatens my ego are to be penalised, a 10% know it all surcharge will be levied on salary payments for Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers. Biology is viewed to be an arts subject and not a true science thus unimportant.

Supreme Leader Update

Three days ago my coffee had LSD added to it by subversive forces. Tripping the light fantastic meetings were held with a dozen kumquats, Marvin Gaye and the essence of Nostalgia which was highly entertaining. Despite this entertaining experience perpetrators of future attacks upon my reality will be met with unremitting force, preferably gravity as they fall from Beachy Head.

International Fart Competition – All Secondary Heads (For information)

I am aware that many believe this to be a lot of hot air but The International Fart Competition 2024 is now open.  It is open to all United Socialist School pupils aged 15-18, with the winning entrant’s gargantuan guff receiving an all-expenses paid trip to Japan to see the Flatulence University Campus Kyoto, where research into tremendous trumps rivals that of the former US Presidents.

Safer Internet Day 6th February 2024

The Truth Team have prerecorded videos to be played to staff and students with regards to safe, responsible, and positive use of digital technology. Only Truth Team approved apps and websites are permitted.

Both staff and students must promptly provide access to all devices upon request by a member of the Leadership Conclave, Truth Team member or a schools Deacon of Enlightenment. If the use of unpermitted digital technologies or websites is identified the person will be summarily exiled to the caldera of Mount Etna, being an active volcano it`ll be a warm welcome.

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Locals Brought Back to the Lake District

More than 200 captive-bred locals have been released at a secret location near Elsmere, a part of an attempt to create a thriving rural economy in Cumbria.

Locals have nearly been wiped out in many parts of the country due the lack of affordable housing and lack of jobs, with dwellings bought as second homes or converted into Air BnB’s.

This reintroduction is the first in the Lake District, with Locals given new homes at a temporary release glamping pen before being allocated residences after acclimatising to the local area.

 This release is the culmination of more than two years of work restoring community to Cumbria, a project that has included a campaign to ‘know thy neighbour’, replacing prevalence of ‘ignore thy neighbour and if they knock on the door turn the tele up/pretend you’re out’. ‘Love thy neighbour’ was briefly trialed but this was abandoned after a number of broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies and scandal when the priest married a parishioner and is now self-identifying as Catherine.

The project is managed by the Royal Society for the Protection of Commoners, according to the charity in the past century the population of locals has dropped from eight million to 132000, disappearing from 94% of the sites they’d previously occupied.

The RSPC was set up to lobby parliament with regards to field sports of Navvy Hunting and Serf Coursing and the shooting of labourers instead of paying them; common practice within the landed gentry. The push to escape these practices, along with the lack of rural employment and housing pulling commoners to the towns and cities has left Cumbria bereft of people to cook, clean and do menial jobs around the farm. This role was briefly filled with foreigners but thanks to voting overwhelming for Brexit the need for locals has been amplified.      

RSPB conservation scientist Dr Ashely Lyons said locals had become a “missing piece” of this landscape.

“Through their toils the local echo system works, they’re an important part of the chain enabling the lives of the privileged. It’s fabulous to see them back here.”

“It was exciting to set them free in the Cumbrian landscape”, Dame Eva Greaves, from the Westbourne Estate said, “its lovely to see locals back where they should be”. It is believed that Dame Eva will be providing accommodation and jobs for acclimatised locals, promising not to shoot, injure or maim any unlike her ancestors where ‘old Bessie’, an ancient blunderbuss, has over 50 kill notches upon its butt.  

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MayBot V2: Liz Truss

MayBot was created to clear up the mess of Brexit, it sprang to life with a whirr, clunk, clang and gave us strong and stable satire for two glorious years. MayBot 2: Liz Truss has outdone all the exploits of her predecessors in four weeks of dark satire, the joke being on the British people who’ll live through and with the after effects of brutal economic shock. We thought BoJoShitShow was bad but he’s already been surpassed. We now hanker for the grey, shirt in his pants, John Major and even consider Jeremy Hunt isn’t the worst Health Secretary in living memory. Somehow,  in a fortnight, we’ve hit a new nadir but have we reached the bottom of this rapid descent? How long till Squib Games replaces Strictly? I look forward to Jacob Rees Mog telling adolescent tributes of North, Midlands, South, Wales and Scotland “May the odds be ever in your favour.”

Or maybe the workers of the world will unite, and replace the status quo with something better? If there is a time for this bogus journey to end, for the Wild Stallions to unite the world its now. Bill and Ted we implore you to take us on an excellent adventure!