Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 18/01/16

Recent MRSA Cases Prompts Vigilance.

 Two recent outbreaks of MSRA (Motivation, Resilience, Strength and Ambition) have been reported and Chesterfield University Hospitals prompt all staff to be extra vigilant to reduce the risk of further cases.

 Medical Director Dr David Chivers would remind all employees that the hospital needs servile drones who acquiesce to managements often peculiar and contradictory whimsy’s; critical thinking and the questioning of orders are not required talents.

 Any member of staff showing these qualities will be remove from their current post and attached to a new one, which will be impaled through their heart.

 100,000 Garden Gnomes project underway at CUH

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is leading a nationwide project to map the DNA of 100000 garden gnomes within the United Kingdom.

 David Chivers,  Regis consultant on Mythological Creatures,  told journalists of the national importance of this project. “Without this work we may not be able to tell the difference between gnomes, dwarves and elves leading to all sorts of mistakes happening; only last month a chimera accidently had a hippogriffs wing stitched onto its back during a botched transplant operation creating a chimeric chimera! We need a clear understanding of the genetic makeup of fantasy creatures or else all sort of weird stuff will occur! Also if we know it’s an elf we can refuse to treat it, nasty pointy eared bastards!”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 08/07/15

‘LaborSave’…

Division Q are pleased to announce a £3000000 annual saving by asking pregnant women to give birth at home before calling a midwife.

Previously a midwife would attend mothers before and during all births, whether they be at home or within the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital. If all women give birth in the comfort of home, with support provided by loved ones, this would generate a significant saving.

Only once the little one has been delivered should a midwife be called to check it’s a baby (in 2014 supposedly pregnant women gave birth to things other than babies including a particular large poo, three cats called Pickles and an artefact procured from Anne Summers) and if the mother or child should be transferred into hospital.

If hospital admission is required the number of local taxi companies will be provided.

Yanis Varoufakis Appointed Chief Finance Officer

 Until yesterday Chesterfield University Hospitals lay tipping on the precipice of financial ruin, with its deficit increasing by £1 million per week.

Now we are proud to announce the appointment of Yanis Varoufakis as Chief Finance Officer, now we have a way to escape the fiscal abyss we were facing. Until Monday Mr Varoufakis was Finance Minister of Greece and his fiscal prudence and debt reduction skills will be invaluable during these difficult times.

Following on from Greece’s referendum Chesterfield University Hospitals will begin asking patients to ratify all major financial decisions, those who are incapacitated or not of sound mind having an advocate acting on their behalf. Yanis Varoufakis has expressed his eagerness in the dual role of Hospitals fiscal authority coupled with sole patient assessor and advocate.

“I will ask them ‘Are you ok?’ in my native tongue. If a patient does not understand they will be deemed to be not compos mentis; I shall act in their best interest” Varoufakis told journalist. “With the patients mandate it is then not the government who’ll be the masters of Chesterfield University Hospitals, it`ll be the people and who am I to quibble with democracy!”

Patients groups have expressed concern with new mental capacity tests, Varoufakis slowly raised his middle finger and told them to “swivel”.

Chesterfield Hospitals Daily 03/07/15

Spending Review Update

Following NHS cuts Chesterfield University Hospitals will be dramatically amending standard operating procedures.

 

  • All general anaesthetic will no longer be administered by a trained anaesthetist, instead it`ll be administered by a hammer.
  • Following the success of the ‘great British Sewing Bee’ surgical stitching has been outsourced to the Newbold Patchwork Society, whose members will take time out from their craft making to perform much needed medical needlework.
  • When blood supplies are running low ketchup is a low cost alternative and is in plentiful supply within the hospital shop.
  • Death has been added to the criteria used to officially categorise an operation ‘successful’.

 

iHospital Update – How to Email an Attachment

 

Following technical issues new guidelines have been written on how to email an attachment, which are as follows:

-Print the document out then, find someone going in the general direction of the intended recipient. Staple the document to this person, it is now the recipients job to hunt down the carrier and snatch it as they pass.

This should resolve the situation.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 23rd June

Chesterfield University Hospitals Says YES to Breasts! 

In support of National Breastfeeding Week Chesterfield University is suckling at the teat of taste with breast milk ice cream being served in the canteen. Staff from the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital will be on hand to give breastfeeding tips and advice, with Dr David Chivers delighted at his ‘hands on’ training by the chief midwife yesterday morning.

To raise money for Baby Milk Action, an independent charity promoting breast feeding, employees can enter ‘Match the Mammary with the Mother’. Can you work out which breasts match which employees? For a £2 entry fee you get an entry sheet with photos of both and the correct answer drawn out of the hat will win an all expense trip to Hooters, London; where you’ll get waitress service with a smile, short shorts and tight tops!

Clinic 9 ½ Opened for Non Muggle Maladies

After successfully tendering for the Non Muggle and Magician contract, Chesterfield University Hospitals is delighted to announce the opening of Clinic   9 1/2. There all manner of magical maladies will be treated from Wizards Wrist, caused by excessive wand wielding, and Crones Droop where spell casters experience a pronounced softening then sagging of noses and other appendages.

There will also be outreach programmes to prevent unplanned transformations, teaching wizards and witches not to practice magic without using protection and where this fails what to do to get emergency contraTransformation and prevent STDs (Sorcery Transmitted Diseases).

Childcare, Have You Booked it for this Summer?

With summer holidays nearly here have you made suitable arrangements for your children? If not you could put them to work in Chesterfield University Hospitals Summer Camp!

With care packages for boys and girls aged 6 to 12 years old they can be looked after, earn a wage and help Chesterfield University Hospitals provide excellent patient care! Could little Jonnie shovel waste into the furnace and little Lucy collect bedpans from dementia patients? If the answer is yes they’ll earn you £2 an hour while you work this summer, with trained professionals ensuring the hospitals well being is maintained while the children are exploited to their fullest potential.

 

Sign up now, YOUR HOSPITAL NEEDS YOUR CHILDREN!

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 21st May 2015

Conservative Triumph Celebrated at Chesterfield University Hospitals               

We like our football team playing in blue and we like our politicians blue, and this isn’t just referring to the time David Cameron called Boris Johnson a Cucking Funt. We celebrate the Conservative Parties triumph at the ballet box and look forward to additional private sector involvement in the NHS.

Instead of ‘Red Ed’, Marvin the Socialist Paranoid Android, we’ve got ‘pumped up’ David Cameron and his glorious Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, at the tiller. There is nought that can go wrong and Chesterfield University Hospitals looks forward to the extra funding this sycophantic toadying deserves.

A New Start in the Care of Women

We would like to welcome Spirites Health to the Chesterfield University Hospitals after their successful bid to run Womens Health services. Lead by departing Chesterfield University Hospitals Clinical Director David Chivers Spirites Health will bring private sector savvy and best practice to the care of female patients while accepting no compromise to their profit margin which can only benefit patients, somehow.

“We  are delighted to be working with Spirites Health, who are already seen as the gold standard in providing profitable community services” Clinical Director David Chivers told journalists in one finial act before leaving Chesterfield University Hospitals, “their innovative practices will bring best value, mostly to my Swiss bank account ”.

Already Spirites Health have rebranded all nursing staff as Womens Health Operational Resource – Employee Solution  (WHOR-ES) and have changed their working uniforms accordingly; Dr David Chivers is looking forward to inspecting his new team shortly.

Dying Recognition Week

Today is the first day of ‘Dying Recognition Week’, where the nation remembers all entertainers who’ve treaded the boards and failed to raise a smile, a titter or a giggle from the audience.

Here at Chesterfield University Hospitals Dramatic Injuries Unit specialists in treating bruised egos, broken careers, hissy fits and dramatic flounces; most famously providing ongoing care to Jonny Depp following his 2013 box office flop ‘The Lone Ranger’.

The Dramatic Injuries Unit nursing team will be singing a medley of United Kingdom’s recent Eurovision entries, the graveyard musical careers.

Hospital Chaplaincy Sued by Man in Dress

Chesterfield University Hospitals Chaplaincy have been successfully sued by Eddie Izzard following their ‘Cake or Death’ Pastoral Care Policy. To reduce the number of long term admissions the Chaplaincy began offering patients the choice of ‘Cake or Death’, unsurprisingly only one patient refused the rather splendid lemon drizzle cake on offer and chose death. It later transpired that this patient was somewhat hard of hearing and thought the Chaplain had said cake or Beth, his wife name, and thus believed Beth would be visiting later for a conjugal visit; one last ‘roll in the hay’ before his hip replacement.

Attending Chesterfield Crown Court smartly dressed in a suit, with rouge lipstick and fingernails, Eddie Izzard demonstrated that this policy was simply an extension of a comedy sketch from his 1996 Outrageous tour, thus the Chaplaincy had not only plagiarised his work but in addition based supposedly sound medical practice upon unsound twaddle he’d thought up after one two many G&T’s.

Due to overwhelming evidence, including a 2006 Youtube video where the sketch was set to Lego animation, Eddie Izzard won his case and £100000 damages.

“Eddie Izzard is a silly individual who continues to transgress with his transgendered antics, here within the hospital chaplaincy and the Church of England in general you would never find such deviance” said Rev Stephen Griffiths in his long flowing liturgical vestment.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 8th April 2015

Q: Who Pays for NHS Fraud?

A: The tax payer! As all board members of Chesterfield University Hospitals have tax exempt non domicile status it’s not them thus if any employee using the public purse for clandestine private profit it’s all ok with them! A 10% fee will be levied on all disclosed scams or swindles, for this the perpetrator will receive protected status and Chesterfield University Hospitals will turn two blind eyes, refusing to assist law enforcement officials with any enquiries.

Prayer for a Pony

Well a horse actually, Lead Chaplain Steve Proudlove will be leading prayers on Friday in the Chapel in the hope it’ll assist JeepersCreepers as it attempts the Grand National. With odds of 10-1 Chesterfield University Hospitals hopes its £1m punt will come trumps up and wipe out the hospitals 2014/15 deficit in one fell swoop.

Share Your Experiences with the CQC

Staff are encouraged to share their experiences of Chesterfield University Hospitals with the Care Quality Commission during their visit from 21st to 24th April, raising any concerns or queries during these meetings.

Volunteer from senior management and nursing staff will be present at these meetings to take notes, it is NOT TO INTIMIDATE STAFF!!!! This cannot be stressed enough and any negative comments raised with the CQC will not have a detrimental impact upon the following months employee appraisals.

In additional HR have details of everyones home address thus WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! It is hoped that the CQC will not be too bothered by staff expressing their unease at goings on with Chesterfield University Hospitals.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily: 6th April 2015

Rainbow Rehab Report – Supporting Bungle in Need

The Rainbow Rehab Centre, set up to support Bungle, Zippy and George following the popular TV shows cancellation and their subsequent mental health crisis, has released its annual report detailing the progress that its only remaining patient has made in rehabilitating himself back into children’s television.

 Zippy and George, with the help of makeup and prosthetics, have reinvented themselves as popular TV personalities Ant and Dec  but Bungle remains mentally detached from reality; believing himself to be either former Conservative Minister Norman Tebbit or a staple remover call Egbert.

 Thanks to the work by our clinical psychologists, Dr Sooty and Dr R Rat, great strides have been made and we praise their continued endeavours. 

 It’s My Colonoscopy and I’ll Cry if I Want to!

 Wince and cry, artist David Chivers and Chesterfield University Hospitals have captured patients true experiences of enduring a colonoscopy. The installation, ‘A Pain in the Bum’, can be found in the main reception.

 This is one of many cutting edge art installations that Chesterfield University Hospitals have premiered including Damian Hurst and Jeremy Hunts collaboration ‘Health Requiem’, the NHS Budget sliced in half and pickled in formaldehyde.  

 CQC Panic Stations!

 We have nothing to hide but in response to the Care Quality Commissions impending inspection Chesterfield University Hospitals archives are now quarantined  after they were contaminated with Plutonium and will remain dangerously radioactive until 2250.

 We apologies to all that these archives cannot be inspected and that the only available data on years 2000 to 2015 being the memories of key members of staff who have been given exceptional bribes all expense paid research sabbaticals  to the Seychelles thus will not be available for interview.

 White Nose Day Update

 This years white nose day was a resounding success, we now own a swimming pool filled with sharks for ‘staff motivational’ purposes and all of Greece’s national debt. Unless this is paid in full by 9am 15th April Chesterfield University Hospitals will be taking ownership of Create, to where the management will relocate to new open plan beach offices.  

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15

 

Today at 4:07 PM

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.