For Some Reason I Didnt Get the Job

Some of my more inspired answers to questions on application forms:-

 NAME: Michael  Wieloch

 SEX: Male but I have to carry a certificate to prove this.

 DESIRED POSITION: Are we still talking about sex still? If so positioned somewhere between Liv Tyler and Clare Danes…. Or supreme ruler of all time, space and McDonalds.  

 DESIRED SALARY: £1000phr would do.

 EDUCATION: Hold a 3rd class degree from the University of Life.

 LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 PREVIOUS SALARY: Cant remember, is that before or after embezzlement?

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Not being arrested for the creative accounting that resulted in me being able to buy a Porsche and my previous employer going bankrupt

 REASON FOR LEAVING: I was banned from drinking gin in the office.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anytime, anywhere so long as burgers need flipping with cultivated levels of apathy.

 PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-1:32 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  I like eating uranium, its tastes minty fresh.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: As Im on a mission from God you can pray but not sure he’ll be listening.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Laziness.

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: No but after eating beans I can play the star spangled banner if a shove a recorder up my bum.

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Voted most likely to be admitted into a mental institute in my Sixth Form leaving book.

 DO YOU SMOKE?: Only if I set fire to my clothes.

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Writing neo feminist tracts while plotting global domination from a secret island headquarters with my suitably attired maid, Liv Tyler, begging me to stop working and come to bed.   

 NEAREST RELATIVE: Ive not been close to any of them since they sold me into slavery aged 7.

Zombie Llama’s

An investment of £17m will create 146 jobs in South Yorkshires thriving undead manufacturing sector, it has been announced.

Voodoo Valley Pets are to manufacture a new line of Zombie Llamas at a plant in Sheffield. The new products will be distributed throughout Ireland, the UK and Europe.

The Industrial Development Board are providing a grant of £4.25m to the project which they see as a major boost to South Yorkshires burgeoning manufacturing sector. Of the 146 jobs, 130, will be provided in Hillsborough where the Zombie Llamas will be manufactured while 16 will be created by the company’s badger milking division in Chesterfield; badger serum being crucial in turning the domestic llama into a creature from beyond the grave.  

“This investment is a major endorsement of Yorkshire as the global undead manufacturing centre by a company which has a strong track record in the development of British made domesticated undead pets ” said VVP Chairman, Dr Andrew Bailey; creator of ‘Ernie the Herring Ghoul’, last years must have accessory during Milan fashion week.   

Voodoo Valley Pets Managing Director, Michael Wieloch, said the company chose Sheffield because of the availability of quality young virgins whose fragile necks are ripe for the vampiric embrace. Beyond that no good reason but the Medowhall Shopping Centre does have an excellent branch of WH Smiths.  

He also praised the response of Sheffield council stating the banning wooden stakes, holy water and cottage cheese from the city boundaries was a definite pull factor. The location of nearby badger farms was another driving factor in the choice of Sheffield, “We would have relocated to Chesterfield but it’s a sh!t hole, I’d much rather live in Iraq, Afghanistan or Dudley.”

Zombie Llama’s are to star in their own cartoon series to be shown on ITV later this year with a spin off, Dwayne the Demon Deliberator, planned for a November release in time for the lucrative Christmas market.

HORRORscopes!

Aries: Please draw dotted lines on your limbs as a cutting aid for the chainsaw wielding psychopath you’ll meet this week.

Taurus: You’ve sold your soul to the devil but now he wants a refund due to previous scientologist exposure.

Gemini: Is that heart burn or is it an alien gestating in your stomach

Cancer: A debauched life of sex drugs and rock’n’roll await you after being skinned alive and turned into cob piece by one of Marilyn Mansons demented roadies.

Leo: A fondness for virgins necks, long swishing clocks and Bela Lugosi films… ever thought the reason you only go out at night might be because you’re a vampire?

Virgo: Drink caffeine for while awake you are safe, asleep the Great Race of Yith will suck out your brains with a straw.

Libra:  Nothing bad will happen to you this week beyond being stabbed through the heart by a passing stranger.

Scorpio: Ever been castrated? Friday might be the right day to contemplate life as a eunuch after that freak accident with a shredder.

Sagittarius: Shaving off that shaggy beard is essential unless you want to be dry humped by a werewolf on heat.

Capricorn: You will have sex with Silvio Berlusconi.

Aquarius:  Please write a last will and testament for on Thursday you are going to DIE!

Pisces: With the moon moving through your anus things cant be pretty, shame as you have just been voted ‘Worlds Most Eligible Host for Demonic Possession’

Ferdinand set for Man Utd Return

 Archduke Franz Ferdinand is set to end a 96 year absence by playing against Marseille on Wednesday after overcoming long term injury problems and death.

The 121 year old Austrian centre back has not played since being murdered in 1914 during Manchester Uniteds ill fated tour of Croatia which sparked World War I. Despite death previously being a career ending problem Sith powers possessed by Sir Darth Ferguson have brought Ferdinand back to life telling reporters ‘Franz has been training very well in the last few weeks. He will play on Wednesday’.  

‘This is the time to bring him back’ the Sith Lord added, ‘With players missing and silverware on the line we needed something special, Ferdinand was the Bobby Moore of his time and it’s the boost we need’.

After the brutal force chocking of Gary Neville, which forced the defender to retire, Darth Ferguson was left with a crisis. Rumors persist his first target for resurrection was Jesus but it was later discovered the son of God was already alive and well managing Real Madrid. Instead he looked to the United legend Franz Ferdinand who led the 1913 team to the league title and FA Cup double but was tragically shot on in June 1914 during a drunken game of extreme tiddlywinks.

Meanwhile Darth Ferguson revealed that he will be picking both Stanley Mathews and Duncan Edwards in his 25 man Champions League squad suggesting that Franz Ferdinand will not be the only former player whose career is to be resurrected.

“It has been a rough time with Darth Rooney suspended for decapitating a linesman with his lightsaber, so to draft them into the side can only be good for us”.

Marksman called in to Exterminate Cambridges Bollards

 A specialist marksman will carry out a “humane cull” of city centre bollards Cambridge Council announced this week.

The cull will be done by a private pest control contractor from Cobham as part of a three-year programme to reduce Cambridges nuisance bollard population. In 2006 alone there have been over 200 unprovoked bollard attacks, injuring pedestrians,
damaging cars and tipping cyclists off their bikes.

Dr David Chivers, town centre manager, said it had considered other ways of culling before deciding on shooting. He said: “At this moment in time, a specialist marksman will be used to shoot the bollards. I can definitely say there will be no chain
sawing and no poisoning. The cull will be carried out discreetly.”

Dr Chivers could not confirm when precisely the cull would begin, but it is expected in the next month. Police permission has been obtained for the shoot, which will be carried out during the morning rush hour to increase the chance of accidental human fatalities.
The programme will cost nearly £140,000, with half of that allocated will be used to fund Dr Chivers 12 quart a day sherry habit.

Dr Chivers said: “We are also working on removing their food and disembowelling those who foolishly feed the bollards by force feeding them sugar coated caesium tablets washed down with nitric acid”

Mans Exaggerations Actually True!

Dr Chivers outlandish claims of suffering from a ‘massive blister’ were confirmed by astronauts last night.

Friends assumed assertions that his feet had ‘swelled to the size of a house’ and he had blisters ‘bigger than the millennium dome’ were just the product of a deranged fool when they can be seen with the naked eye from the International Space Station.

Paul Shirley, Michael Wieloch and Clare Murdoch issued a full and frank apology for any insult or injury sustained against his good character while in future assuring Dr Chivers that they would believe the sometimes wild and far fetched ramblings of the aged pig obsessed sherry addict.

They added that Dr Chivers recent behavior, where he claimed to have a remote control logged in his aorta, had a brain swap with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and wrote ‘MacBeth’ while time travelling with Babe the Sheep Pig added to their sense of disbelief and thus were unwilling to accept that feet and blisters could swell to such massive proportions after a 400m excursion to buy more Sherry.

Dr Chivers was unavailable for comment but issued this statement through his solicitors ‘I am fine, I am okay, I am wearing my wife’s knickers. Please can M&S send more pants, the washing machine has broken down and I need clean underwear!’

A further claim that his breath can kill penguins is currently under investigation with the aid of London Zoo.