England ‘Gay and Proud’

Following sensational photos of England holding hands with Germany this green and pleasant land has come out of the closet.

In a dramatic press conference the Queen told stunned journalists ‘One is gay and one is proud. This fair nation is a player of the pink obo, it is a homosexual. Britannia was and never has been a trident wielding goddess but a demi god called Brian who flirted with transvestitism in 84 AD to avoid being drafted into the Roman army and has been in drag ever since”.

In today’s ‘Gay Times’ Brian told how ‘It was wear a dress or be butchered by Boudicca. Afterwards I began thinking hmmmm the wind around your English Channel is rather pleasing so remained a woman ever since’.

Discussing his relationship with Germany it emerged that the nations have been involved in a tempestuous love/hate affair with heated argument over where to squeeze the toothpaste tube resulting in two world wars. It was only when Germany cured its schizophrenia, with the countries collective consciousness no longer divided into east and west, were the two nations finally reunited. ‘Once Germany demolished the walls in its mind there was nothing that could stop us, it was like the good old days fondling each others currencies until pennies were spewed everywhere’.

Brian told the Gay Times that ‘Just because you’re gay it doesn’t mean you fancy every country that walks the planet; Scotland can sod off and have all the independence it wants! Im fed up with the wee country being on top all these years and anyhow I’ve seen under his kilt and even on warm days it is rather wee if you catch my drift’.

Brian didn’t divulge his view on Wales but sources have suggested that ‘every country needs a codpiece’.

High court overturns superinjunction granted to Maycombe Resident ‘Boo’ Radley

Secretive Maycombe resident Arthur ‘Boo’ Radley has refused to respond to press speculation after the high court overturned a superinjunction which prevented the reporting of allegations about his private life.

Atticus Finch, lawyer working on behalf of ‘Boo’ Radley, won an injunction last Friday following reports that the News of the World planned to write about his private life. Radley is alleged to have had an affair with Elizabeth Darcy, wife of wealthy landowner Fitzwilliam Darcy. Under the terms of the injunction no one involved or even the existence of the injunction could be disclosed.

Judge Fargo lifted the injunction yesterday saying that ‘All individuals have a right to privacy but the public have the right to know about the indiscressions of one who has traded upon their good character, making it the bulwark on which their reputation is built upon. There is a clear public interest and the applicants [Arthur Radley] human rights would not be diminished by publication of these revelations’.

Following the injunction being lifted the media has been free to report that Radley and Elizabeth Darcy began an alleged month affair after meeting at Longbourne, her ancestral estate. Rumors of the affair have been circulating on the micro blogging site Twitter but until now could not be reported in the press.

Mattie Storin, News of the World chief editor, said later: “We welcome Mr Justice Fargo’s decision as a long overdue breath of fresh air and common sense coming out of the privacy courts. Over recent years, there has been more prior restraint on freedom of speech in Britain than in any other democratic country in the world.

Boo Radleys public image was created following the ‘Ewell Incident’, rescuing Scout and Jem Finch from attack while their assailant was killed, accidently falling on his own knife. Sainted as a gentle, mild mannered savior whose radio friendly songs such as ‘Wake Up’ became world wide hits in the mid 1990’s Radley eventually retired back into anonymity, writing his memoirs of the incident in international bestseller ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’.

Fitzwilliam Darcy, for his part, said in a statement “This matter is of a deep personal and private nature, my primary concern is the welfare of my son, Mark. Elizabeth and I will issue no further comment and ask for our privacy to be respected”

Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

 Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

The claims are based on observations of Brian Blessed cranium that, according to a UK astronomers, provides the first direct evidence that the mysterious stuff called dark matter exists.

Ordinary matter is thought to make up 5% the universe while dark matter, which does not reflect or emit light, is believed to comprise 25%. Until now astronomers have only been able to infer its existence but the team from the Cambridge Research Authority of Physics (CRAP) have discovered the gravitational signature of dark matter.

This signature was created by dark matter and ordinary matter being wrenched apart by the immense contemplations of Brain Blessed. “The kinetic energy of these deliberations, of the thoughts of the greatest thinker of our time, is enough to completely evaporate and pulverise planet Earth ten trillion trillion times over,” said team member Michael Wieloch of CRAP. “Only his robust cranium prevents unimaginable horror ripping the planet apart and ending all life”.

CRAP team leader David Chivers said: “This provides the first direct proof that dark matter must exist and that it must make up the majority of the matter in the Universe.”

WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF

67% dark energy

25% dark matter

5% ordinary matter

3% gooey wobbly bits

In addition CRAPs findings potentially explains the reason for all great thinkers possessing such stout skulls; Freuds still being used as a wreaking ball by a German construction company, Einsteins acted as heatshield for Apollo 11 while Bill Hicks was last seen being used as a hammer at the White House in a futile attempt to knock some sense into George W Bush. Without resilient craniums a child of such super intelligence alters timespace and rips apart matter which would be pulverised its brain at birth. Only the few blessed with solid skulls survive to adulthood where their magnificent musings march mankind forward to a brighter future.

“It’s the first clue of what this stuff might be,” said Michael Wieloch. “For the first time ever, we’re dealing with dark matters actual physics, now can anyone tell me more about gooey wobbly bits?”

For Some Reason I Didnt Get the Job

Some of my more inspired answers to questions on application forms:-

 NAME: Michael  Wieloch

 SEX: Male but I have to carry a certificate to prove this.

 DESIRED POSITION: Are we still talking about sex still? If so positioned somewhere between Liv Tyler and Clare Danes…. Or supreme ruler of all time, space and McDonalds.  

 DESIRED SALARY: £1000phr would do.

 EDUCATION: Hold a 3rd class degree from the University of Life.

 LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 PREVIOUS SALARY: Cant remember, is that before or after embezzlement?

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Not being arrested for the creative accounting that resulted in me being able to buy a Porsche and my previous employer going bankrupt

 REASON FOR LEAVING: I was banned from drinking gin in the office.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anytime, anywhere so long as burgers need flipping with cultivated levels of apathy.

 PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-1:32 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  I like eating uranium, its tastes minty fresh.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: As Im on a mission from God you can pray but not sure he’ll be listening.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Laziness.

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: No but after eating beans I can play the star spangled banner if a shove a recorder up my bum.

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Voted most likely to be admitted into a mental institute in my Sixth Form leaving book.

 DO YOU SMOKE?: Only if I set fire to my clothes.

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Writing neo feminist tracts while plotting global domination from a secret island headquarters with my suitably attired maid, Liv Tyler, begging me to stop working and come to bed.   

 NEAREST RELATIVE: Ive not been close to any of them since they sold me into slavery aged 7.

Zombie Llama’s

An investment of £17m will create 146 jobs in South Yorkshires thriving undead manufacturing sector, it has been announced.

Voodoo Valley Pets are to manufacture a new line of Zombie Llamas at a plant in Sheffield. The new products will be distributed throughout Ireland, the UK and Europe.

The Industrial Development Board are providing a grant of £4.25m to the project which they see as a major boost to South Yorkshires burgeoning manufacturing sector. Of the 146 jobs, 130, will be provided in Hillsborough where the Zombie Llamas will be manufactured while 16 will be created by the company’s badger milking division in Chesterfield; badger serum being crucial in turning the domestic llama into a creature from beyond the grave.  

“This investment is a major endorsement of Yorkshire as the global undead manufacturing centre by a company which has a strong track record in the development of British made domesticated undead pets ” said VVP Chairman, Dr Andrew Bailey; creator of ‘Ernie the Herring Ghoul’, last years must have accessory during Milan fashion week.   

Voodoo Valley Pets Managing Director, Michael Wieloch, said the company chose Sheffield because of the availability of quality young virgins whose fragile necks are ripe for the vampiric embrace. Beyond that no good reason but the Medowhall Shopping Centre does have an excellent branch of WH Smiths.  

He also praised the response of Sheffield council stating the banning wooden stakes, holy water and cottage cheese from the city boundaries was a definite pull factor. The location of nearby badger farms was another driving factor in the choice of Sheffield, “We would have relocated to Chesterfield but it’s a sh!t hole, I’d much rather live in Iraq, Afghanistan or Dudley.”

Zombie Llama’s are to star in their own cartoon series to be shown on ITV later this year with a spin off, Dwayne the Demon Deliberator, planned for a November release in time for the lucrative Christmas market.

HORRORscopes!

Aries: Please draw dotted lines on your limbs as a cutting aid for the chainsaw wielding psychopath you’ll meet this week.

Taurus: You’ve sold your soul to the devil but now he wants a refund due to previous scientologist exposure.

Gemini: Is that heart burn or is it an alien gestating in your stomach

Cancer: A debauched life of sex drugs and rock’n’roll await you after being skinned alive and turned into cob piece by one of Marilyn Mansons demented roadies.

Leo: A fondness for virgins necks, long swishing clocks and Bela Lugosi films… ever thought the reason you only go out at night might be because you’re a vampire?

Virgo: Drink caffeine for while awake you are safe, asleep the Great Race of Yith will suck out your brains with a straw.

Libra:  Nothing bad will happen to you this week beyond being stabbed through the heart by a passing stranger.

Scorpio: Ever been castrated? Friday might be the right day to contemplate life as a eunuch after that freak accident with a shredder.

Sagittarius: Shaving off that shaggy beard is essential unless you want to be dry humped by a werewolf on heat.

Capricorn: You will have sex with Silvio Berlusconi.

Aquarius:  Please write a last will and testament for on Thursday you are going to DIE!

Pisces: With the moon moving through your anus things cant be pretty, shame as you have just been voted ‘Worlds Most Eligible Host for Demonic Possession’

Ferdinand set for Man Utd Return

 Archduke Franz Ferdinand is set to end a 96 year absence by playing against Marseille on Wednesday after overcoming long term injury problems and death.

The 121 year old Austrian centre back has not played since being murdered in 1914 during Manchester Uniteds ill fated tour of Croatia which sparked World War I. Despite death previously being a career ending problem Sith powers possessed by Sir Darth Ferguson have brought Ferdinand back to life telling reporters ‘Franz has been training very well in the last few weeks. He will play on Wednesday’.  

‘This is the time to bring him back’ the Sith Lord added, ‘With players missing and silverware on the line we needed something special, Ferdinand was the Bobby Moore of his time and it’s the boost we need’.

After the brutal force chocking of Gary Neville, which forced the defender to retire, Darth Ferguson was left with a crisis. Rumors persist his first target for resurrection was Jesus but it was later discovered the son of God was already alive and well managing Real Madrid. Instead he looked to the United legend Franz Ferdinand who led the 1913 team to the league title and FA Cup double but was tragically shot on in June 1914 during a drunken game of extreme tiddlywinks.

Meanwhile Darth Ferguson revealed that he will be picking both Stanley Mathews and Duncan Edwards in his 25 man Champions League squad suggesting that Franz Ferdinand will not be the only former player whose career is to be resurrected.

“It has been a rough time with Darth Rooney suspended for decapitating a linesman with his lightsaber, so to draft them into the side can only be good for us”.