Tag Archives: News

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US Government Pauses Intelligence

Superpower and world largest economy, the USA, has pushed the worlds future into doubt with a pause on intelligence; instead making policy based upon JD Vance’s ‘Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit’.

Each morning the Vice President will deputise for Milania Trump, fellate his master, then shake his ‘Magic Ball of Bullshit’ that will decide any important decisions that need to be made that day. This morning the White House Press Office informed journalists that:

42 Byzantine Officials executed in 845 for refusing to convert to Isam would be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Pope Nicolas V is to be excommunicated for being too woke.

Coats Land in Antarctica is to be renamed Chillie, Chillie is to be renamed Gulf of Mexico.

The SAS, a UK Special Forces unit, is to be disbanded for making US Special Forces look incompetent.

Singapore is to be declared the world’s largest art installation and will be sold at Sothebys New York in June.

Yesterday’s decision to end support to Ukraine has been stricken from the record following news reaching the Vice President regarding the Battle of Aizkraukle, where Lithuania defeated the Livonian Order in 1279.

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“Say Thank You”, Robert Jenrick Demands Gratitude from Former Colonies.

Tory Leadership also ran Robert Jenrick stated Britains former colonies should be grateful for the legacy of empire, with leather and ironwork industries cited as something countries that were part of the British Empire developed in nations

“Yes we killed the indigenous population, then we killed slaves who did not accept they were our possessions but it wasn’t all bad” Robert Jenrick told GB News, “those countries developed industries around slavery that they benefit from today”. 

The leadership candidate then talked about how Michael Gove, despite usually backing British, furnished the Stephen Milligan Memorial Dungeon with high quality implements of detention and discipline purchased from Trinidad.

Jenrick also criticised the growing momentum to provide reparations and justice to countries and people affected by transatlantic slavery. “I have been a slave, I spent three years serving Mistress Braverman and this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Some of those transported to the colonies spent most of their lives having a similar experience; the lucky bastards!”

Commonwealth leaders believe that, firstly, the time has come for a conversation about slave trade reparations and secondly people like Robert Jenrick should to get a grip on reality. Its not “leftists peddling pseudo-Marxist gibberish to the impressionable, at the time Britain was shitty, cruel and a violent tyranny who decimated human lives by treating them as labouring property not people” declared Commonwealth Secretary-General Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey.

Robert Jenrick responded that “I’m not ashamed of our history, I was born a white British male thus have won the lottery of life”.

The Conservative leadership very hopeful, probably not a chance, ended the interview with an impromptu rendition of Venus in Furs by the Velvet Underground.

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Rishi Sunak Subject to Investigation in Betting Scandal

The Prime Minister has become the latest politician to be subject to investigation by the gambling watchdog, after admitting he put £500 on the election date just 10 minutes before announcing it outside 10 Downing Street.

As journalists waited in the rain outside 10 Downing Street the PM was having a flutter, the delay in announcing the election was caused by tech whiz Rishi Sunak trying to work out how to open a Paddy Power online account, and in his haste managed to wager £500 on 14th July. 10 Minutes later Sunak announced that the election would be held on 4th July.

Michael Gove, the levelling up secretary, likened this scandle to the Partygate Affair that also involved Rishi Sunak, and has led to the Labour Party wondering if it needs to spend any money on campaigning as the Tory Party are happily doing their work for them.

“Not only are the Tories showing their selfish crooks but they’re incompetent, how can you trust this man to run a country when he cant win a wager he already knows the result of! Cretin!” Kier Stamer told journalists in his daily briefing before cancelling all future briefings to spend more time “laughing at Conservative Party fuck ups”, before reminding everyone that his father “was a tool maker”.

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Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

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Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

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Chesterfield University Hospital News 13.10.16

Homebirth Team Dismembered

Following a typographical error the Rosie Gamgee Maternity Hospitals Homebirth team were ripped, limb from limb by a pack of feral junior doctors. The hospitals intention was to disband this team due to short sighted cost cutting measures but due to a spelling mistake and over reliance upon auto correct the Head of Midwifery accidently ordered the team dismemberment.

Her senior team of brutalised, bullied and servile drones carried out the Head of Midwiferies orders to the letter, refusing to question this drastic course of action following the ‘incident’ when a dissenting student midwife disappeared.

Due to staff shortages the scheduled minute silence to remember the Homebirth team will be shortened to a seconds silence at 11.35, if anyone can be bothered.

CEO Delivers Autumn Lecture to Staff

 In a rambling and often incoherent speech Dr David Chivers delivered his Autumn Lecture to selected staff, covering topics such as his love of Donald Trump, private health care and the colour purple

 Most controversially was his call for a global jihad against NASA for its sustained and unremitting assault upon heaven. “Repeated attacks, firing so called ‘space rockets’ into gods paradise in the clouds shall not stand” Dr Chivers told the audience. He further elaborated that the moon landings were scouting missions for a full blown invasion, that was imminent utilizing the international space station as a staging post.

 “Only through jihad can we stop NASA assaulting heaven in their unrelenting conquest, they’ve subjugated Earth through the proliferation of non-stick pans and now their seek to seize Gods eternal Kingdom!”

 When asked to comment NASA stated that it was dedicated to the peaceful exploration of space and expanding human knowledge, to this Dr Chivers stated “Humbug” and started live tweeting the rooting out of a particularly bothersome bogie while searching for Tony Blair on Grinder.

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Sepp Blatter to Become Greek President

Former FIFA boss Sepp Blatter has become the new president of Greece in a shock announcement.

The disgraced head of footballs governing body has pledged to donate ‘A large pile of used $100 bills’ his maid found in a brown paper bags behind the sofa. This is not a complicated money laundering operation Blatter confirmed and has nothing to do with the FBI investigating his affairs but being a head of state provides some degree of diplomatic immunity which he described as being ‘useful’.

In addition Blatter pledged to tackle the rampant corruption and fraud rampant in the Greek economy, “I am an expert in these fields, I understand the mindset of those who wish to cheat the system for personal gain” he told a press conference from his lavish presidential palace. After providing journalists with a Champaign reception the new president showed details of his economic recovery plan, which mostly involved renaming the Acropolis the ‘Nike Zone’, a temple devoted to the Goddess of Victory and High Performance Sports Wear.