Category Archives: News

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Jeremy Clarkson Road tests the Challenger 3

Movie over Obama, there’s a new tank in town! Your boys can have all the yanky tanky doodle Dixie you want with your M1 Abrams but this V12 diesel powered monster of the battlefield is faster, and with its L420 120mm main gun packs a bigger punch than your popgun panzer wannabe.

And don’t think that the Abrams legendary survival rate is its saving grace, having 800mm Chobham RH armour with depleted uranium strike plates won’t put you into pole position because remember; who invented Chobham? Well we did and those boffins at BAE have done it again. The Challenger 3 is covered in Adimantium Graphine composite armour, which is not only lighter but makes this main battle tank impervious to all opposition. Missiles and shells just bounce off the revolutionary material like soft rain on the Kate Bekensdales perfect cleavage.

Like I said this baby is light and because its comes in at half a tonne less than all opposition its sleek and nimble on the battle field. In a 1 mile drag race the Challenger 3 was 8.7 seconds quicker than the Abrams and went around the Top Gear test track in 1 minute 21 seconds, that’s faster than a Lotus Elise Sport!

The furnishings inside are pretty rudimentary, there’s no soft leather like the Aston Martin Vanquish or sat nav  but from the gunners station you can shoot the hind legs off a donkey from 5 miles. The tank commander’s SKYnetPro tactical computer provides up to the second strategic information so if a Taliban commander passes wind 25 miles away he’ll know about it and, if the mood takes him, the roof popes open enabling him to give jonny foreigner a blast with a 50 cal couple machine gun.  Not only that but each of the 5 crew have independent iPod docking stations so everyone goes to war with their own personal playlist. Go on Taliban, try banning music when this baby is in town!

Would I buy a Challenger 3? Well at £2.7m maybe not, especially as ½ mile to the gallon its golly expensive no matter how annoying the neighbours are. Should the British Army buy the Challenger 3? Yes and it has done, 300 of them so thanks to David Cameron scrapping the Ark Royal Britannia may no longer rule the waves but on land? We’re standing on the shoulders of giants, head and shoulders above the rest!

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Conservative Party Recalls 165 Policies

David Cameron has confirmed that 165 Conservative policies, all made since taking power in 2010, are being recalled due to being not fit for purpose.

Continued failures within all departments left the Coalition government little choice but retract policies which include the ‘Single Universal Credit’ and 95% of the last two budgets; tax payers will not pay for remedial work, David Cameron and George Osborne offering to cover the costs with some ‘loose change they found down the back of the sofa’.

‘We are an omnishambles but equally we are rich, it is like the days our days in the Bullingdon Club. We sample life’s finery, trashed everything in sight and then, after a little high jinx but, we’d just pay for the damages’ Cameron announced to the House of Commons following during an emergency debate on the issue.

‘Its the Big Wodge Society, a bunch of chums playing and paying their way through life’ the Prime Minister continued, ‘ alas this damn coalition meant we needed day boy Clegg and his excuse me of friends; oh to debag the namby pampy and roast his hot crumpets on the Downing Street fire’.

David Cameron ended his speech by resigning, giving way to a better man. Ed Miliband initially welcomed this until he discovered that Boris Johnson had stepped down as Major of London and was palace bound to be sworn into government by the Queen. He is expected promote a number of women into the cabinet, hand picked for their political ‘assets’ which are often on display in the mens weekly magazine ‘Nuts’.

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Gove in History Curriculum U-turn

‘I was wrong’ states Education Secretary, ‘teachers are doing a quite splendid job’.

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, has issued an unreserved apology to all history teachers following the shock discovery that the sources of all his historical knowledge contained erroneous and often incorrect facts.

‘I lambasted teachers for a woefully poor delivery of the history curriculum, until yesterday I thought children left school with little or no knowledge of this nations rich tapestry or world events’ Gove told the Education Select Committee, later revealing that all his historical knowledge were gleamed from the books ‘1066 and all that’ and ‘The Onion Presents: Our Dumb Century’; which he mistook for academic histories.

‘I was wrong; an 8 year old child who knows Henry VIII had 6 wives knows more than I do. Until yesterday I thought WWII started when Hitler neutralised the Polish menace, with Europe relieved that Germany lifted the grim spectre of Polish tyranny from the continent. Only when Germany invaded Britain, Belgium, Holland and France (who surrendered after a valiant 10 minute struggle) did things get unpleasant’.

Hanging his head in shame the MP  placed himself in special measures, with the National Union of Teachers the proposed sponsors of the relaunched ‘’Militant Marxist Department for Education, Skills and Training for the Overthrow of Capitalism’. General Secretary, Christine Blower, told journalists that like all sponsors of free schools and academies the NUT will have no influence upon

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Eurovision Offers Asylum to Julian Assange

The camp europop nation of Eurovision is set to grant Wikileaks founder Julian Assange political asylum. Assange has been holed up in the pink velour Eurovision embassy since 19th June, following the British courts decision he could be extradited to Sweden.

Eurovision’s president, Barak O’bangYeMama, told state TV he’d been studying the international law regarding asylum, ignored it all and utilized the lyrics of Bucks Fizz’s 1981 Eurovision winning song.

“Everybody’s gonna talk about, before you decide, but the time’s all right, for making your mind up.. Asange will have asylum!”

President O’bangYeMama then whipped off the foreign ministers skirt, reveling Ivor Bigens stocking legs and frilly bloomers to over excited clapping from the audience. Suggestions that the Foreign Minister lives up to his name have now been squashed.

British and Swedish governments both have discouraged the granting of asylum but the Eurovisions embassy told officials from both nations, ‘Whatever, speak to the hand ’cause the face ain’t listening!’ They were informed that Eurovisions diplomatic pink Hummer will drive the Wikileaks founder to Stansted airport where ‘he’ll be flown to Eurovision… maybe stopping off at Grand Canaria to take in a little sun, sea, sand and…well something salacious’

It is expected that in Eurovision Assange may face trial for sexual misconduct relating to the allegations made in Sweden, if found guilty he faces being spanked and 12 years in prison.

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Michael Gove “Getting this book into schools, a personal ‘Mein Kampf”

Michael Gove “Getting this book into schools, a personal ‘Mein Kampf”

 “We should celebrate and cherish great works whose still resonate within society, long after their original printing’ Education Secretary Michael Gove told journalists.

 Beating the podium with his fist he declared “Getting this book into schools was a personal mein kampf but we found a final solution to the issue and now all children have access to Hitler’s powerful, authoritative polemic; for we do not learn history just in order to know the past, we learn history in order to find instructions to prevent future mistakes and for the continued existence of our own nation”.

 The project, costing £350000, has been paid for by a consortium of 8 Conservative Party donors, or a “band of fellow travellers” according to the Education Secretary.

 “The pulsing heart of this book is experienced 87 years after it was published, we still talk about the ‘blitz spirit’, Top Gear drove across the desert in a car bearing the Luftwaffe’s livery while Chelsea fans, including our fine chancellor, hummed the ‘Great Escape’ during last weeks cup final. Without ‘Mien Kampf’ none of these would have taken place. It is because of this we should all acclaim and revere this book, it is why I have made it a feature of every school library”.

 Outlining what he’d personally learnt from ‘Mein Kampf Michael Gove stated that his political communiqués bare its legacy,

“If you wish for sympathy of the broad masses, you must tell them the crudest and most stupid things. All propaganda must be popular and its intellectual level must be adjusted to the most limited intelligence among those it is addressed to. To be blunt I speak crap because the man on the street only understands little but shit”.   

Answering the final question the Education Secretary said “David modelled for the cover, we think he bears a striking likeness”

 When pressed Gove refused to clarify if it was David Mitchell or David Cameron who posed for the cover, representatives of both refuse to comment on the matter.

 Tony Blair is rumoured to be embarking on a similar project, donating copies of ‘Slaughterhouse 5’ to every school along with a little red book called ‘Quotations of Chairman Murdoch, an invaluable reference during his premiership. The book contains 10 blank pages towards the end for the reader to complete with fresh dictates from Chairman Murdoch. David Cameron also is known to possess a copy, the latest edition with a forward by Rebecca Brooks.

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India Launches Long Range Sex Aid

 Yesterday India successfully launched a long range, intercontinental, ballistic dildo. The dildo has a range of more than 3000km (3100miles), it is able to deliver pleasure as far as Tehran and Beijing.

 The OuiTakJa-V Dildo was launched from a site off India’s east coast and took 20 minutes to hit its target somewhere near Indonesia.

 “It was a perfect launch. It met all the test parameters and hit its pre-determined target,” J B Cocker, director of the test range, told the BBC, “Candia Doyle said it reached places her husband never goes’.

 It confirmed India ascension to the elite club of China, Russia, France, the USA and UK who already have long-range dildos, although with a much greater range enabling deeper penetration.  

 “Today’s launch represents another milestone in our quest for a pleasured planet and to explore the frontiers of sensual satisfaction,” Mr Cocker said, “India’s gift to the ancient world was the Karma Sutra and yesterday it gives the planet some long range razzmatazz’.

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Michael Gove Put into Special Measures

The Education Secretary Michael Gove has been placed into special measures following a damming Ofsted report.

Inspectors ranked Gove as “inadequate” in most area following an inspection in March, citing his inability to understand basic maths when questioned by the education select committee and deteriorating relations with teaching unions and parent groups as examples of how the Education Secretary is a failing minister.

Previous shortcomings, highlighted in Ofsted’s November report, had failed to be addressed such wasting resources by issuing the Kings James Bible to all schools, despite the average school library containing 15 Bibles along with other religious texts.

This left Ofsted with little choice but to describe Michael Gove as “failing to give its pupils an acceptable standard of education and teachers an acceptable chance of educating”.

“Name calling and bulling, by labelling those who oppose his views as ‘Trots’, is not how someone should manage and motivate. In a professional office it would result in disciplinary action” the Ofsted report stated, “given this is not an option we’ve put Michael Gove into special measures and unless significant improvement is shown in the next 6 weeks he will be replaced by Richard Dawkins ‘Darwin Academy’.

Michael Gove is the MP for Surrey Heath and in December 2010 claimed that ‘Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system’, unaware that the Chinese Cultural revolution resulted in widespread abuse, rape and torture; the education system being closed for 10 years.

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Archbishop Panel Member Believes Muslims can ‘Change’ Beliefs

Harrison Ford Prefect, a leading member of the Church of England who believes Muslims can be counselled to supress or change their belief in the one God and Muhammad being his chosen prophet ,  is to be part of the Crown Nominations Panel; responsible for choosing the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

The emeritus professor of psychiatry at Bristol University will be part of the 16 strong panel alarming liberal Anglicans who believe it could damage inter faith dialog and deepen divisions between Islam and Christianity.

The Rev Noel Coward, director of Nostra Aetate which fosters widespread discourse between faiths, has said Harrison’s position on the commission appeared “madness in the extreme”.

Supporters insist Harrisons views reflect a substantial section of Anglican opinion regarding Islam and it would be impossible to elect a leader of an estimated 50 million churchgoers worldwide without representing such views.

Harrison has written recent articles saying that Muslims “fall short of God’s purpose in creation”. He argues that using that therapy and pastoral ministry may be remedies for those drawn to Islam, saying “there is evidence that some people with unwanted doubts in the revelation of Jesus Christ, as taught though the Gospels, can achieve significant change”.

He is one of three lay members of the commission voted in by the Church of England’s General Synod in 2007. The other lay members are Pete Doherty and Abu Hamza, its first meeting is expected in May; dependent upon Mr Doherty’s parole following a 6 month conviction for cocaine possession.

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Fred Goodwin Announced as Supprise New World Bank Head

The former chartered accountant who presided over the collapse and forced nationalization of the Royal Bank of Scotland, then the worlds largest banks 5th largest bank, has been appointed as president of the World Bank; responsible for overseeing $500bn worth of loans and capital investments aimed at poverty reduction.

Fred ‘The Shred’ Goodwin, whose knighthood was annulled in February, was nominated by David Cameron following discussions with George Osbourne and John Hemmingway, the Liberal Democrats economics guru.

After intense negotiations at the Davos summit Fred Goodwin received 58% of votes cast, beating the Chinese nominee of Jim Yong Kim into second place. It has been insuated that David Cameron was forced to relive his school days at Eton to secure US block vote, rumors abound include hot buttered crumpets and the prime minister being Barak Obama’s fag.

“I do not think that the World Bank could have a better nominee” the prime minister told journalists, “His personal pension negotiations, coupled with experience at the heart of the 2009 financial meltdown, shows that this man has unique skills to lead the world bank”. 

Angela Merkel was more guarded with her praise, “In 2003 he was ‘European Banker of the Year’ but in 2009 he was ‘European rhymes with banker of the year but as I got British support against that trumpt up short arse with a Napolean complex, Sarkozy, I said whatever; I`ll vote for ‘The Shred’”.

US officials have been facing a backlash over the World Bank nomination, which has traditionally gone to an American citizen. AdamSandler, the star of ‘Happy Gilmore’ and one of Obama’s top comic advisers, had been seen as a frontrunner.

Katie Price, director of the Boob Institute in Essex and a special growth advisor to George Osbourn, had also thrown her hat into the ring but later withdrew as it would clash with getting her nails done. 

After the new became public on Friday, Goldman Sachs tweeted: “Fred Goodwinis a superb candidate for WB. We support him 100%. Our clients are muppets and now the head of world bank is one. All we need is the IMF to be headed by Fozzy Bear and our work is done.”