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Labour Vows to ‘Rub Out’ Michael Gove

Labour has vowed to wipe the slate clean of Michael Gove and his reforms of the Education system if elected.

 A plan, devised by Trisram Hunt and Jason Statham, for the current “sink or swim inspection system” to be replaced by commissars responsible for raising standards, enforcing government principles and maintaining staff morale.

 Outlining the plan Statham accused the collation of creating an “unmanageable Kafkaesque caricature of an education system, with a landscape mired in incoherence, confusion and lack of accountability. Essentially Gove you’re to be erased with extreme prejudice”.

 Asked to clarify this the Death Race star removed a sawn off shotgun from his coat and vowed to rub out Michael Gove ‘Lock stock and two smoking barrels’.

 The reform plan, Labours most important statement on Education in 10 years, will assimilate New Labour reforms along with those of the Soviet Union under Stalin. Local education commissars being able to summarily fire failing teachers but Statham responded to concerns saying this would occur in sound proof rooms, away from the classroom as ‘We don’t want lessons being disrupted by the trademark bang of a Glock 17 do we? Those who can , do. Those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t even teach have their contracts terminated, and we’ll make sure they never teach again’.

When asked how he’d deal with the militant teaching unions Statham promised that ‘fear will keep them in line, unlike Tarkin we don’t have a Death Star but we have an Army. There is violence inherent within the system and I intend to use it. Accept our reforms, bank roll the Labour Party or get pulped by a tank”.

Labour other reforms would include:

• Give all schools freedom over the curriculum, the school day and discipline policy with the return of corporal punishment mandatory.

•Implementing a three strikes and you’re out policy to raise moral, any teach caught not smiling three times will be classed as failing and removed from post.

• Require all schools to audit and publish accounts online, any deficit to be taken directly from the headteachers salary and/or forcibly seizing the headteachers assets.

•Pre and post school ‘workhouses’ are to be put in place, utilizing childrens energy to generate income for the school while providing much needed childminding facilities.

Despite this aggressive rhetoric most of the press conference was taken up by Trisram Hunt reading sections of speeches made by Michael Gove, with Jason Statham providing commentary including ‘Nought but the three R’s, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish” and “Can’t count, his opinions shouldn’t count; he just waffles like a deranged lunatic’.

Michael Gove has yet to comment but a Labour spokes person has stated this to be a “Good thing, I think the public are with me in begrudging Gove the oxygen he breaths”.

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Danny Dyer to Write Conservative Manifesto

After a meeting of minds while recording of the official First World War centenary album David Cameron has shocked his party by announcing East Enders actor Danny Dyer is to compose the Conservatives 2015 Manifesto.

“Danny is a top geezer, profound political thinker and true patriot; I can think of no one better to write the Conservative Parties declaration of intent in the coming election”.

In his annual 1922 Committee speech the Prime Minister told assembled backbench MP’s “Danny has sound pedigree in getting his views across to the public, as Zoo agony uncle this fine gentleman advised a heartbroken man to ‘cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her’; words worthy of Keats himself. ”

‘New faces, old ideas’ would be the manifestos underlying thread. Thatcher’s death meant a new generation could rise in a party no longer haunted by her spectre, and Danny was to be seen as the vanguard for this rejuvenation. When asked for more details to be included within the manifesto David Cameron was cagey; stating that it would be bold, brave and backward thinking.

“Danny and I agreed that women should be patronised in parliament and wrought to our whims in private, his suggestion that unsightly pubic hair should be scorched from a females fanny made me chuckle but am not sure Samantha would agree”.

The Prime Minister and Old Vic landlord met during the recording of poetry and music to mark the centenary of World War One, Cameron reciting Rupert Brooke’s poem ‘The Soldier’ and Dyer reading ‘In Memoriam’ by Ewart Alan Mackintosh. The albums proceeds will be donated to the Royal British Legion, helping to meet the cost of supporting service personnel and their families.

 “The First World War was hauntingly captured by young men, the likes of John McCrae and Wilfred Owen, who saw the trauma and tragedy of war. This album and this manifesto will keep alive those moments for future generations; Danny has publically stated he wants to ‘smack’ critics who castigate his artistic endeavours and proposes this proud nation follows suit. Likewise we should mark to the drum and strike down with great vengeance all those who belittle Britannia!”

Not all within the Conservative Party are pleased with this development, chairman Silas Ramsbottom stating it to be “hilarious”;believing the speech to be the product of too much claret and “political suicide of the highest order”, something he wished Michael Gove would do.

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iHospital: Apple Revolutionises Healthcare

iHospital: Chesterfield University Hospitals and Apple Unite to Transform Healthcare

01 April 2014

 Chesterfield University Hospitals has signed contracts with Apple to transform patient services through their innovative iHospital ap.

 Available on iPhones and iPads this ap will enable the patient to diagnose then treat common ailments and conduct, self administered, minor operations.

 The new system will be fully supported by virtual clinicians; guiding patients through best practice, writing prescriptions and most importantly treating them in the comforting environment of home. Patients with access to a 3D printer will be able to manufacture their own implements and medical supplies, then with the aid of easily available pain killers such as paracetamol, operate thanks to‘Apple Surgical Solutions’ (ASS). ASS will even provide details of local drug dealers in case opiate based pain relief is required following an adverse event.

 Dr David Chivers said“Safety is crucial, using the phones gyroscopic thingy a patients hand tremor will be tested, only the steadiest will be allowed to perform anything but the simplest of surgery; with ASS we’re confident that soon 9 out of 10 men will soon be repairing their own hernia’s and home vasectomies will be the norm.”

 “The collaboration between Apple and Chesterfield University Hospitals is about putting our patients in a position where they’re more involved in their own care, in a safer and more effective manner than costly visits to hospital. The NHS needs to up its game and this is the right thing to do. With free Wi-Fi onsite those not so confident in home surgery are welcome to operate in the Concourse, reassured by constant flow of medical practitioners buying coffee and cakes; meaning help is seconds away in case of an accident or emergency”.

To facilitate this safe self surgery a new ‘ASS Zone’ has been prepared next to Costa Coffee, populated today by executives and directors demonstrating how technological innovations are transforming the patient experience. Dr Jayne Cooper’s mild mishap stress testing the emergency procedure, when the screen froze nearby junior doctors interrupted their breakfasts and leapt into action, preventing a potential fatal haemorrhage while the 3D Printer was switched on and off again.

An additional module can be purchased, enabling the budding home MD to complete cosmetic surgery at home,“Why pay £5000 for a silicone breast enlargement when for a £5 download and a handful of plastercine you can go from go from a B to a D cup, and its non toxic to boot!”

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Legomen Attack Toys’R’Us, Hundreds of Minifigs escape.

Hundreds of minifigs have been freed after militant Legomen launched a spectacular assault upon the Cambridge Toys’R’Us.

At around 11pm Monday the doors were blown open with plastic explosives and a Duplo brick bombardment subdued security guards. Around 20 Legomen stormed the store and ripped open Lego kits; constructing the disassembled minifigs within.

This included numerous orcs and trolls from ‘Lord of the Rings’ range who rampaged their way though the toy store and set about destroying rival Megablock’s kits, daubing ‘This what happens to scabs’ upon the packaging torn asunder.

Building their own getaway vehicle the Legomen were last seen heading towards Windsor where sympathizers are believed located.

Other toys were released, military support  being required to deal with running battles between Dr Who action figures and a tribe of feral Bratz who escaped in 2007 and have avoided capture ever since. No casualties have been reported but one member of the SAS suffered a severe loss of dignity after jumping behind a sofa upon hearing ‘Exterminate’ and hiding from a patrol 12cm Daleks.

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UK Unemployment Falls by 57,000, Cameron Claims 2013 Cull a ‘Resounding Success’

Following the coalitions controversial cull where, annually on 4th July, murder becomes legal the unemployment rate dropped radically for the third year running.

‘In the an era of austerity desperate measures were needed, despite the bold promises made in our manifesto we couldn’t magic jobs out of thin air for people to fill but this cull makes people disappear into, well sometimes thin air but mostly into a furnace at the crematorium’.

As a basis for sound social and fiscal policy the cull has been a resounding success, a reduced population as solved the unemployment and housing crisis as well the pension time bomb. Over 70’s were particularly targeted in the first cull, notably by disgruntled progeny who were fed up of their parents handing around like a malodorous smell, fritting away any potential inheritance.

This years high profile casualties included evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins who was found crucified with a sign affixed above his head ‘Richard Dawkins, King of the Atheists, didn’t survive, wasn’t the fittest’.

Prince Phillip was particularly active this year, bagging a brace of commoners while going for his morning walk before pruning the civil list with extreme prejudice. The state funerals of Prince Charles, Andrew and Edward will be held on 1st August.

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Headlines I’d love to see…

“Traces of Ewok found in Beef Burgers”

Ewok DNA found in burgers across the Galactic Empire, McJabba processing plant blamed.

“Uturn over Scrapper of GCSE’s”

Driver repeatedly runs over Michael Gove in badly executed attempt to change direction.

“Commons Backs Gay Marriage Bill”

MP’s give the tumbs up to happiness within wedlock

“Lego Party Begins Election Campaign”

Brick by Brick we’ll build a better Britain claims toy manufacturer.

 

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David Cameron in IgglePiggles ‘Murky Patch’

Children’s TV personality IgglePiggle has claimed be had and 8 month long affair with David Cameron.

The In the Night Garden star made a candid confession to Newsround presenter Leah Gooding, claiming that he and the Prime Minister had a intense affair in 2011. IgglePiggle, real name Bernard Snooty, also revealed he was pimped to other cabinet ministers, allowing the likes of Michael Gove and George Osborne to ‘blow off steam’.

The most scandals revelation, set to send shock waves through the political establishment, were Camerons demand that IgglePiggle don a rubber Margaret Thatcher mask before sodomizing the childrens television personality, screaming ‘Dennis has a Polaris but I’ve got Trident!’ upon reaching climax.

It is also claimed that David Cameron would don leather chaps and flog IgglePiggle after Prime Ministers Questions, the childrens character requiring hospital attention on more than one occasion.

Number 10 has yet to comment on the allegations but sources close to the prime minister state the claims are ‘Utter twoddle and the ramblings of a derange lunatic!’

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Jeremy Clarkson Road tests the Challenger 3

Movie over Obama, there’s a new tank in town! Your boys can have all the yanky tanky doodle Dixie you want with your M1 Abrams but this V12 diesel powered monster of the battlefield is faster, and with its L420 120mm main gun packs a bigger punch than your popgun panzer wannabe.

And don’t think that the Abrams legendary survival rate is its saving grace, having 800mm Chobham RH armour with depleted uranium strike plates won’t put you into pole position because remember; who invented Chobham? Well we did and those boffins at BAE have done it again. The Challenger 3 is covered in Adimantium Graphine composite armour, which is not only lighter but makes this main battle tank impervious to all opposition. Missiles and shells just bounce off the revolutionary material like soft rain on the Kate Bekensdales perfect cleavage.

Like I said this baby is light and because its comes in at half a tonne less than all opposition its sleek and nimble on the battle field. In a 1 mile drag race the Challenger 3 was 8.7 seconds quicker than the Abrams and went around the Top Gear test track in 1 minute 21 seconds, that’s faster than a Lotus Elise Sport!

The furnishings inside are pretty rudimentary, there’s no soft leather like the Aston Martin Vanquish or sat nav  but from the gunners station you can shoot the hind legs off a donkey from 5 miles. The tank commander’s SKYnetPro tactical computer provides up to the second strategic information so if a Taliban commander passes wind 25 miles away he’ll know about it and, if the mood takes him, the roof popes open enabling him to give jonny foreigner a blast with a 50 cal couple machine gun.  Not only that but each of the 5 crew have independent iPod docking stations so everyone goes to war with their own personal playlist. Go on Taliban, try banning music when this baby is in town!

Would I buy a Challenger 3? Well at £2.7m maybe not, especially as ½ mile to the gallon its golly expensive no matter how annoying the neighbours are. Should the British Army buy the Challenger 3? Yes and it has done, 300 of them so thanks to David Cameron scrapping the Ark Royal Britannia may no longer rule the waves but on land? We’re standing on the shoulders of giants, head and shoulders above the rest!

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Conservative Party Recalls 165 Policies

David Cameron has confirmed that 165 Conservative policies, all made since taking power in 2010, are being recalled due to being not fit for purpose.

Continued failures within all departments left the Coalition government little choice but retract policies which include the ‘Single Universal Credit’ and 95% of the last two budgets; tax payers will not pay for remedial work, David Cameron and George Osborne offering to cover the costs with some ‘loose change they found down the back of the sofa’.

‘We are an omnishambles but equally we are rich, it is like the days our days in the Bullingdon Club. We sample life’s finery, trashed everything in sight and then, after a little high jinx but, we’d just pay for the damages’ Cameron announced to the House of Commons following during an emergency debate on the issue.

‘Its the Big Wodge Society, a bunch of chums playing and paying their way through life’ the Prime Minister continued, ‘ alas this damn coalition meant we needed day boy Clegg and his excuse me of friends; oh to debag the namby pampy and roast his hot crumpets on the Downing Street fire’.

David Cameron ended his speech by resigning, giving way to a better man. Ed Miliband initially welcomed this until he discovered that Boris Johnson had stepped down as Major of London and was palace bound to be sworn into government by the Queen. He is expected promote a number of women into the cabinet, hand picked for their political ‘assets’ which are often on display in the mens weekly magazine ‘Nuts’.