Tag Archives: Conservative

by

Rishi Sunak Subject to Investigation in Betting Scandal

The Prime Minister has become the latest politician to be subject to investigation by the gambling watchdog, after admitting he put £500 on the election date just 10 minutes before announcing it outside 10 Downing Street.

As journalists waited in the rain outside 10 Downing Street the PM was having a flutter, the delay in announcing the election was caused by tech whiz Rishi Sunak trying to work out how to open a Paddy Power online account, and in his haste managed to wager £500 on 14th July. 10 Minutes later Sunak announced that the election would be held on 4th July.

Michael Gove, the levelling up secretary, likened this scandle to the Partygate Affair that also involved Rishi Sunak, and has led to the Labour Party wondering if it needs to spend any money on campaigning as the Tory Party are happily doing their work for them.

“Not only are the Tories showing their selfish crooks but they’re incompetent, how can you trust this man to run a country when he cant win a wager he already knows the result of! Cretin!” Kier Stamer told journalists in his daily briefing before cancelling all future briefings to spend more time “laughing at Conservative Party fuck ups”, before reminding everyone that his father “was a tool maker”.

by

Full statement from Rishi Sunak explaining why he is defecting to Labour, party that ‘looks to the future’

Today I announce that I have decided to join the Labour Party and that I will sit in Parliament as a Labour MP.

When I was elected, the Conservative Party occupied the centre ground of British politics despite being led by a pig fucker and then the crop destroying naughty ministers daughter.

Since then, many things have changed. The elected Prime Minister and all round godlike genius, Boris Johnson, was ousted in a coup led by myself. Under my leadership, the Conservatives have become a byword for incompetence and division. The centre ground has been ditched, replaced by drive towards the right, at times my governments policies would make Hitler, Stalin, Davros and Joe Lycett go ‘oh that’s a bit harsh!’

Meanwhile the Labour Party has changed out of all recognition. Since 2019, it has moved on from Jeremy Corbyn and now, under Keir Starmer, occupies the centre ground of British politics and more importantly has a chance of winning the election. I am a mercenary and am willing to ditch my own government to remain in power. Like Churchill, a dog I deeply admire, I say ‘oh yes’ to keeping the red flag flying high.

I have carefully considered this decision. Probably more than carefully than those made during the Covid pandemic, as I spent most of it partying with DJ Johnson and the Number 10 Massive.  We need to move on from the broken promises of my tired and chaotic Government. Britain needs a Government that will build a future of hope, optimism, opportunity and fairness. A Britain everyone can be part of, that will make the most of the opportunities that lie ahead. That’s why it’s time for change. Time for a Labour Government led by Keir Starmer. The General Election cannot come soon enough.

As Prime Minister it was in my power to call this General Election but unfortunately I am incompetent and should be remembered as a sub par politician whose failed to even reach the grade of Liz Truss, let alone Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, Michael Green and Sebastian Fox.

I submit this statement to the house, alas I cant be there in person as I’m locked in the lavatory and awaiting assistance.

by

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

by

Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

by

Nadine Dorries not doing MP’s job properly, says Sub Prime Rishi Sunak

Prime minister Rishi Sunak told journalists from the News of the World ‘Nadine Dorries’s constituents are not being properly represented’, the former culture secretary ‘isn’t doing her job properly’.

“I should recognise incompetence, given its something I do well” said the Prime Mister to the group of year 7 students who he’d mistook for journalists representing a now defunct newspaper. He later revealed his governmental email password to be ‘Rishi1234’ in response to a question for something he’d done which was really stupid in 2023.

Nadine Dorris announced in June she was standing down as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with immediate effect and Mr Sunak was surprised to hear she was still an MP, ’Is she, that’s not good is it, you’d think she’d do what she said she’d do…but who am I to speak?’ he told the students before acknowledging that the Conservative Party would be using ChatGPT to write the 2024 manifesto.  

Ms Dorries, whose salary as an MP is £86,584,has not spoken in the Commons since June 2022,  Rishi Sunak admitted that he wished he had a similar record.  He also expressed a wish he’d never appeared on Countdown last week, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer telling Colin Murry he’d no idea how to reach the target score of 500 with the numbers 5, 100, 10, 4 and 1.

A Boris Johnson loyalist Ms Dorries accused Mr Sunak of removing her name from the former PM’s resignation honours list but Rishi Sunak has refuted this stating Boris Johnson desired for Andy Pandy, Andy Grey, Andy Peters and Andy Bell to be elevated to the Lords with Ms Doris was to become a knight of the Kingsguard, Boris Johnson having mistaken ‘A Game of Thrones’ with reality and given numerous allies various fictional honours. Jacob Reece Mogg was more then happy to be the Hand of the Former Prime Minister, personally ensuring Mr Johnson had suitable stress relief during the comings and goings of life post parliament.

Mr Sunak  is also to publish a book titled ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Colin Cucumber in the Downing Street Allotment’, a thriller for children ghost written by Baldrick.

by

MayBot V2: Liz Truss

MayBot was created to clear up the mess of Brexit, it sprang to life with a whirr, clunk, clang and gave us strong and stable satire for two glorious years. MayBot 2: Liz Truss has outdone all the exploits of her predecessors in four weeks of dark satire, the joke being on the British people who’ll live through and with the after effects of brutal economic shock. We thought BoJoShitShow was bad but he’s already been surpassed. We now hanker for the grey, shirt in his pants, John Major and even consider Jeremy Hunt isn’t the worst Health Secretary in living memory. Somehow,  in a fortnight, we’ve hit a new nadir but have we reached the bottom of this rapid descent? How long till Squib Games replaces Strictly? I look forward to Jacob Rees Mog telling adolescent tributes of North, Midlands, South, Wales and Scotland “May the odds be ever in your favour.”

Or maybe the workers of the world will unite, and replace the status quo with something better? If there is a time for this bogus journey to end, for the Wild Stallions to unite the world its now. Bill and Ted we implore you to take us on an excellent adventure!

by

Evidence Exists PM Tried to get Top Job for Carrie Fisher

Growing calls have been raised into Boris Johnson’s grip on reality as evidence surfaces he tried to secure Foreign Office job for Carries Fisher. The PM believd Princess Leia was Brexit Rebel and not a leading a rebellion against a tyrannical Empire. It is also unsure if Mr Johnson is aware that Princess Leia is work of fiction and Carrie Fisher, who played the character, died in 2016.

“I want her, in 1977 she was pwor, in 2022 she’ll still be pwor! Get that Princess in the FO to lead my FU campaign against the sprouts in Brussels”  

Further  audio recordings of the Prime Minister go on to show he mocks his colleague ‘Me sir Dominic Raab, me sir Liz Truss’, comparing them to the buffoonish and much hated Jar Jar Binks in cabinet meetings. Unnervingly in a candid conversation between Matt Handcock and Rishi Sunak recording show that the Prime Minister screams ‘You’re all clear kid, lets blow this thing and go home’ when reaching climax, something the Chancellor has asked the Prime Minister to cry less vocally as it often wakes his children in number 11.    

by

Boris Johnson has Reached a Turning Point on Climate Change

In 20 days world leaders will gather for what will be a “turning point for Boris Johnson” the Prime Minster announced in a speech to the United Nations.

He warned humanities actions have caused inevitable global temperature rises but called on Boris Johnson to commit to major changes to curb further warming.

Four areas need tackling he told the UN assembly, “firstly Boris Johnson must stop overpopulating the earth by having more children and my ex wife has suggested castration; something Carrie Simmons agrees with. Thirdly he must stop talking, nothing more needs to be said in that prattling voice. Lastly Boris Johnson must consume Michael Gove for the sake of humanity in a finial meal before going vegan”.

“It’s time for Boris Johnson to grow up,” he added, “and learn to count”.

The prime minister also said it was time to listen to the warnings of scientists. “We should stop listening to experts, instead we should listen to people who’ve dedicated their lives to studying a topic instead of doyens of the comment pages; an abode Boris Johnson knows so well”.

The Prime Minister praised Boris Johnson installing a British made wood burning stove, in which the oven ready Brexit deal was baked.  

The prime minister also said Boris Johnson did not see a conflict between the green movement and capitalism, saying that: “As a descendant of may dead people Boris Johnson has inherited sufficient financial and cultural capital not to give a fXXk”.

“We have the tools for a green industrial revolution but time is desperately short and does Boris Johnson have the brain to clasp this opportunity,” he added.

Elsewhere the Boris Johnson made a series of calls for action including:

-Donald Trump should cover the world in more carbon capturing golf courses.

-David Cameron should stop breathing and polluting the world with CO2.

-Commended cyclist Lance Armstrong for his clean living and healthy outdoor lifestyle.

-A call to arms to burn all the worlds coal now, so it won’t pollute the world later. A recent report from UN scientists warned that global temperatures have risen faster since 1970 than at any point in the past 2,000 years. “Wooohooo” announced Boris Johnson, stripping half naked to bask in the unusually mild autumnal weather.

by

Teresa May Holds Warhammer Cabinet Meeting

Teresa May will host senior cabinet ministers at Chequers this weekend for the Tories annual Bring Out Your Lead Bash, with this years theme being Brexit Dark Future.

In addition to Brexiteers like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox duelling on the roads against Pro-EU ministers such as Philip Hammond and Amber Rudd an all day game of Warhammer 40000 is planned on Sunday with plucky Britannia fighting for freedom from the decaying Imperium of Man. Leading novelist Gav Thorpe has written a specially commissioned book to describe how Space Marine Legion III: ‘The Remoaners’ were crushed in Britannia’s rebellion and stricken from Imperial Record for their pitiful performance; its Primarch retreating to a self-imposed exile and living in a shepherds hut on Earth.

Games guru Jervis Johnson will be on hand to show new members of cabinet the ropes and how to throw dice the ‘GW way’, seasoned tossers such as Jeremy Hunt will be providing their expert gaming advice while live blogging on ‘Warhammer Community’.

“Companies like Games Workshop put the Great into Great Britain” Boris Johnson told journalists, “I’m also impressed by the secretive Kev Adams ‘Snotling Gove’ range”. He also suggested that the inclusion of Bloodbowl be cornerstone of future Olympic bids, it being simply ‘wrestling and handball combined in one sport’. Asked the games fantastical element foreign secretary Johnson drifted off mumbling ‘hmmmm…fantasy…beach volleyball…baby oil…oh matron!’

 

 

by

GREEN LEADS OXFAM INQUIRY

Tory ex minister Damian Green is to lead the parliamentary investigation into the Oxfam sex scandal.

With zeal and burning prejudice the disgraced former First Secretary of State is disgusted at the charities actions, mostly as the perpetrators did not live stream the sex acts to be viewed at his convenience while he ‘logged on’ in his office.

“How dare representatives of Oxfam abuse their power and privilege and not benefit the Conservative Party or its MPs? If someone is exploiting vulnerable women I want to see it, preferably with a box of tissues to hand” Damian Green told fellow MPs while they covered up a catalogue of sexual improprieties within the House of Commons.

Facilities, funding and assistance for this investigation will be provided by the Presidents Club Trust, Damian Green believing the organisations links to charities and exploitation of women being invaluable. In addition he hopes that the Presidents Club will invite him to future events.