Tag Archives: Conservative

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David Cameron Claims Pigs are “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores!”

Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.

It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.

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UK Braces For Extreme Weather This Weekend

In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.

Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.

“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.

Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of  Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.

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David Cameron Resigns

 

Ex PM Wishes to Spend More time on his beloved pig farm

In an attempt to not be a distraction for new Prime Minister Teresa May, David Cameron grabbed the headlines by resigning earlier today.

He said “Mrs May had got off to a cracking start despite being a of the female persuasion”, while praising her “great strides towards a divided society where the oiks wont get the education they deserve”.

Mr Cameron finished his resignation speech by expressing that after leaving frontline politics he still planned on being surrounded by swines, resuming his love of pigs.

It is expected that the former PM’s pig farm will sell a range of cured meats and sausages, “my bangers will be devoured the length and breath of this fair nation’ he concluded, ‘and it wont be the first time the public will have swallowed Cameron’s Porkies!”

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Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many wankers within the House of Commons but he’s the first MP to openly acknowledge he is one and its hoped that others will follow this lead”.

When contacted Conservative Central Office stated that Jackson Stewart was “Stupid, but that usually isn’t something that bars someone standing for the party” and were saddened to hear that he was standing down as prospective Member of Parliament to play with the member in his pants.

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Breaking News: Minifigs ‘Take Control’ in Wales

David Cameron stood outside 10 Downing Street and regretfully told journalists ‘Wales is under Minifig control’.

Following a meeting with military chiefs and the Cobra emergency committee he made this announcement. It had already become clear that Lego people had effectively taken control of the principality with minifigs parading through Cardiff waving Danish flags and taking over the Doctor Who studios, renaming them the‘Timemy Wimey Parliament of Plastic People’.

To the north local law enforcement officials attempt to prevent Lego knights from occupying Conway Castle, losing this struggle and their dignity in the process. Commandeering supplies from the cities toy stores the minifigs reinforced their position with building block bastions

Dwarf minifigs from ‘The Hobbit’ range tweeted that they’d taken residency in Snowdonia, remaining Snowdon ‘Moria’, “If you want it back @QueenElizabethII come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”. Later images of downed military drones were posted to the site, “Battle drone/Balrogs…all the same, we’ll have yer!! #Easy”the dwarfs declared.

Attempts by Mega Blocks to support the English in their attempts to quash the Minifig rebellion have been punitively put down, with all taint of Legos arch rival being purged with fire; pyres of Mega Block bricks temporary being used instead of coal within the principalities power stations.

The only human treated with anything but distain being Brian Blessed, the legendary actor seen as a living deity, with huge Lego brick statues constructed of him constructed in city centres across Wales and S4C showing nothing but repeats of ‘Flash Gordon’ and ‘Blake 7’.

The UN has attempted to broker peace talks between Minifigs and David Cameron but the Lego men’s response was to build spare rooms onto all houses and declare “Bedroom tax that yer toffee nosed illegitimate son of a greasy worm!”

Labour have yet to respond to the crisis, it is suspected they’re busy sniggering.

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Danny Dyer to Write Conservative Manifesto

After a meeting of minds while recording of the official First World War centenary album David Cameron has shocked his party by announcing East Enders actor Danny Dyer is to compose the Conservatives 2015 Manifesto.

“Danny is a top geezer, profound political thinker and true patriot; I can think of no one better to write the Conservative Parties declaration of intent in the coming election”.

In his annual 1922 Committee speech the Prime Minister told assembled backbench MP’s “Danny has sound pedigree in getting his views across to the public, as Zoo agony uncle this fine gentleman advised a heartbroken man to ‘cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her’; words worthy of Keats himself. ”

‘New faces, old ideas’ would be the manifestos underlying thread. Thatcher’s death meant a new generation could rise in a party no longer haunted by her spectre, and Danny was to be seen as the vanguard for this rejuvenation. When asked for more details to be included within the manifesto David Cameron was cagey; stating that it would be bold, brave and backward thinking.

“Danny and I agreed that women should be patronised in parliament and wrought to our whims in private, his suggestion that unsightly pubic hair should be scorched from a females fanny made me chuckle but am not sure Samantha would agree”.

The Prime Minister and Old Vic landlord met during the recording of poetry and music to mark the centenary of World War One, Cameron reciting Rupert Brooke’s poem ‘The Soldier’ and Dyer reading ‘In Memoriam’ by Ewart Alan Mackintosh. The albums proceeds will be donated to the Royal British Legion, helping to meet the cost of supporting service personnel and their families.

 “The First World War was hauntingly captured by young men, the likes of John McCrae and Wilfred Owen, who saw the trauma and tragedy of war. This album and this manifesto will keep alive those moments for future generations; Danny has publically stated he wants to ‘smack’ critics who castigate his artistic endeavours and proposes this proud nation follows suit. Likewise we should mark to the drum and strike down with great vengeance all those who belittle Britannia!”

Not all within the Conservative Party are pleased with this development, chairman Silas Ramsbottom stating it to be “hilarious”;believing the speech to be the product of too much claret and “political suicide of the highest order”, something he wished Michael Gove would do.

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UK Unemployment Falls by 57,000, Cameron Claims 2013 Cull a ‘Resounding Success’

Following the coalitions controversial cull where, annually on 4th July, murder becomes legal the unemployment rate dropped radically for the third year running.

‘In the an era of austerity desperate measures were needed, despite the bold promises made in our manifesto we couldn’t magic jobs out of thin air for people to fill but this cull makes people disappear into, well sometimes thin air but mostly into a furnace at the crematorium’.

As a basis for sound social and fiscal policy the cull has been a resounding success, a reduced population as solved the unemployment and housing crisis as well the pension time bomb. Over 70’s were particularly targeted in the first cull, notably by disgruntled progeny who were fed up of their parents handing around like a malodorous smell, fritting away any potential inheritance.

This years high profile casualties included evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins who was found crucified with a sign affixed above his head ‘Richard Dawkins, King of the Atheists, didn’t survive, wasn’t the fittest’.

Prince Phillip was particularly active this year, bagging a brace of commoners while going for his morning walk before pruning the civil list with extreme prejudice. The state funerals of Prince Charles, Andrew and Edward will be held on 1st August.

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David Cameron in IgglePiggles ‘Murky Patch’

Children’s TV personality IgglePiggle has claimed be had and 8 month long affair with David Cameron.

The In the Night Garden star made a candid confession to Newsround presenter Leah Gooding, claiming that he and the Prime Minister had a intense affair in 2011. IgglePiggle, real name Bernard Snooty, also revealed he was pimped to other cabinet ministers, allowing the likes of Michael Gove and George Osborne to ‘blow off steam’.

The most scandals revelation, set to send shock waves through the political establishment, were Camerons demand that IgglePiggle don a rubber Margaret Thatcher mask before sodomizing the childrens television personality, screaming ‘Dennis has a Polaris but I’ve got Trident!’ upon reaching climax.

It is also claimed that David Cameron would don leather chaps and flog IgglePiggle after Prime Ministers Questions, the childrens character requiring hospital attention on more than one occasion.

Number 10 has yet to comment on the allegations but sources close to the prime minister state the claims are ‘Utter twoddle and the ramblings of a derange lunatic!’

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Gove in History Curriculum U-turn

‘I was wrong’ states Education Secretary, ‘teachers are doing a quite splendid job’.

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, has issued an unreserved apology to all history teachers following the shock discovery that the sources of all his historical knowledge contained erroneous and often incorrect facts.

‘I lambasted teachers for a woefully poor delivery of the history curriculum, until yesterday I thought children left school with little or no knowledge of this nations rich tapestry or world events’ Gove told the Education Select Committee, later revealing that all his historical knowledge were gleamed from the books ‘1066 and all that’ and ‘The Onion Presents: Our Dumb Century’; which he mistook for academic histories.

‘I was wrong; an 8 year old child who knows Henry VIII had 6 wives knows more than I do. Until yesterday I thought WWII started when Hitler neutralised the Polish menace, with Europe relieved that Germany lifted the grim spectre of Polish tyranny from the continent. Only when Germany invaded Britain, Belgium, Holland and France (who surrendered after a valiant 10 minute struggle) did things get unpleasant’.

Hanging his head in shame the MP  placed himself in special measures, with the National Union of Teachers the proposed sponsors of the relaunched ‘’Militant Marxist Department for Education, Skills and Training for the Overthrow of Capitalism’. General Secretary, Christine Blower, told journalists that like all sponsors of free schools and academies the NUT will have no influence upon

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Michael Gove “Getting this book into schools, a personal ‘Mein Kampf”

Michael Gove “Getting this book into schools, a personal ‘Mein Kampf”

 “We should celebrate and cherish great works whose still resonate within society, long after their original printing’ Education Secretary Michael Gove told journalists.

 Beating the podium with his fist he declared “Getting this book into schools was a personal mein kampf but we found a final solution to the issue and now all children have access to Hitler’s powerful, authoritative polemic; for we do not learn history just in order to know the past, we learn history in order to find instructions to prevent future mistakes and for the continued existence of our own nation”.

 The project, costing £350000, has been paid for by a consortium of 8 Conservative Party donors, or a “band of fellow travellers” according to the Education Secretary.

 “The pulsing heart of this book is experienced 87 years after it was published, we still talk about the ‘blitz spirit’, Top Gear drove across the desert in a car bearing the Luftwaffe’s livery while Chelsea fans, including our fine chancellor, hummed the ‘Great Escape’ during last weeks cup final. Without ‘Mien Kampf’ none of these would have taken place. It is because of this we should all acclaim and revere this book, it is why I have made it a feature of every school library”.

 Outlining what he’d personally learnt from ‘Mein Kampf Michael Gove stated that his political communiqués bare its legacy,

“If you wish for sympathy of the broad masses, you must tell them the crudest and most stupid things. All propaganda must be popular and its intellectual level must be adjusted to the most limited intelligence among those it is addressed to. To be blunt I speak crap because the man on the street only understands little but shit”.   

Answering the final question the Education Secretary said “David modelled for the cover, we think he bears a striking likeness”

 When pressed Gove refused to clarify if it was David Mitchell or David Cameron who posed for the cover, representatives of both refuse to comment on the matter.

 Tony Blair is rumoured to be embarking on a similar project, donating copies of ‘Slaughterhouse 5’ to every school along with a little red book called ‘Quotations of Chairman Murdoch, an invaluable reference during his premiership. The book contains 10 blank pages towards the end for the reader to complete with fresh dictates from Chairman Murdoch. David Cameron also is known to possess a copy, the latest edition with a forward by Rebecca Brooks.