PM Apologies for Remarks to Female MPs

In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.

“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.

‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.

During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.

A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.

“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.

When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”

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UK Dept Rapture

National debt ascends to heaven, God decrees Britain free from the yolk of usury.

 Following yesterdays crisis talking between the General Synod and leading members of the coalition government George Osborne stood on the steps of11 Downing Streetand declared ‘We shall have solvency in our time!’

 Later Rowen Williams told assembled dignitaries in Westminster Abby that the ‘Almighty, in his divine wisdom, has absolved theUnited Kingdom of its national debt. These green and pleasant lands will no longer be blighted by usury, today we build Jerusalem’.

 At 17.49 GMT banks, data centres and stock markets became shrouded in light and by God divine will all records of UK government bonds departed these earthly realms with accounts fully settled in full. Additionly 100000 bottles of Buxton Water transmogrified into vintage claret, the physically and mentally sick languishing in NHS hospitals were cured,  free to enjoy this nations prosperity while BP oil engineers cast their ‘nets’ to the other side of the Piper oilfield and struck an estimated 40m tonnes of untapped oil along with 22 cubic kilometers of natural gas

 Speaking to the UN General Assembly David Cameron told shocked ambassadors and representatives that

“Casting my eyes upon that dread balance-sheet, contemplating our dangers with a disillusioned eye, I saw great reason for intense vigilance and exertion, but none whatever for panic or despair. During the first two years of the credit crunch we experienced nothing but disaster and disappointment. Now at the end of the third year our finances are more robust than ever, greater than that of the Germans, who had moved from one economic triumph to another. During this crisis we repeatedly asked ourselves the question, “How are we going to survive?” and no one was able ever to answer it with much precision, until at the end, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, our almighty decreed this nation to be free from the yolk of usury”

It later transpired that this was not the only recent divine intervention with the career of Bruce Forsyth regularly being resurrected, unlike the light entertainers hair which the Arch Bishop of Canterbury confirmed was a wig.

Osborne rolls out £380 budget plan

George Osborne has unveiled a £380 budget which includes increased spending on Pedigree Chum but with sweeping cuts in all other areas.

 “Following the credit crunch it’s a dogs dinner out there so that’s what we’re preparing for’

The Chancellor claimed this to be the greenest budget ever with UK carbon emission reduced to a ‘Lot. of hot air, moaning and gossip following mass redundancy’. In addition all UK armed forces will be disbanded. The sweeping budget cuts were seen as a response to the drop in tax revenue from 1.2 million people who’ve lost their jobs since the recession began. ‘With 10% unemployment a mans got to do what a mans got to do, make tough decision and blame everything on the previous government’.

At this point Mr Osborne gestured to the lifesized cardboard cutout of Gordon Brown screaming, ‘Sweet Jesus you voted in Hitler… sorry Blair, got this wonky eyed numpty and look what happened!’

Without no armed forces issues ‘Since the Cold War ended we’ve gone out of our way to be nice to everyone and I don’t know why all disagreements cant be settled like gentleman over a glass of port and a game of Polo?’

Commitments in Afghanistan will be fulfilled by the UK’s answer to Rambo, Ross Kemp. The star of ‘Ultimate Force’ will single handedly bring peace to the war torn nation, after which he’ll solve inner city knife crime, rescue stranded British Citizens trapped in Luxemburg following is impending civil war and still have time to switch on the Blackpool illuminations come October.

The NHS will be funded by holding a series of ‘Big Society Raffles’, the first of which will be drawn on 14th April with a main prize of a seat at Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding reception. Other prizes will include dancing lessons with Vince Cable and a ‘Do Yourself Police Force Kit’ which includes full riot gear, pepper spray, hand cuffs and lessons on planting incriminating evidence on nonces, immigrants and Guardian readers.

Closing his budget speech George Osborne earmarked £100 for the state school system, ‘With this record investment I have the audacity to hope that the first book to be read in Dudley since 1984”.

Thatcher dementia fight revealed

The daughter of former UK prime dictator Margaret Thatcher has spoken for the first time about her mothers struggle with dementia.

In her new book serialized in the Moron on Dunceday Carole Thatcher said she first noticed her mothers grip with reality failing over breakfast in 1979.  The newly elected prime dictator ‘fell off her chair screaming for her beloved “Arthur”‘ and had to be reminded of the existence of both the Queen and her husband Dennis. This was later followed by the infamous Prime Dictators Questions when she called both Edward Heath and Dennis Healy ‘Cads of the highest level who roger each other in the members gallery’ and stated that Jesus had come into her in a dream and she was pregnant.  This was later discovered to be indigestion caused by late night cheese munching.

It was at this moment that Carole Thatcher found out that her mother had had an intense 3 year love affair with the leader of the National Union of Miners. His ending of the relationship 12 months later resulted bloody revenge, instigating the 1983 coal miners strike to break Arthur Scargills power base and later closing down the pits.

In her book ‘Alas I wasn’t an only child’ she tells of her mothers regret of ever giving birth to her brother, Mark Thatcher; “He was an accident and I wish he would have one, preferably fatal” she would regularly inform dignitaries during diplomatic negotiations.

In 1981 it is reveled that Margaret Thatcher got confused between Frankfurt and the Falklands Islands resulting in 4 deaths during a bombing raid of the German city airport. More loss of life was prevented when Vulcan bomber pilots refused to drop bombs on Falkirk, France and Milbank Tower, the then headquarters of the Labor Party.     

Carole Thatcher reveals how her mothers poor term memory was significantly affected by the onset of dementia resulting in 12 years of legislation that damage the disadvantaged. It wasn’t that she hated those in poverty its just she forgot they existed, ‘it’s the darkies and the commies Margaret really disliked’.

From 1976 to 2003 both Margaret Thatcher and her husband Dennis had a series of minor strokes, the worst being in 1989 after getting over excited during an informal lunch in the gardens of Chequers where her, Alan Clarke and Ronald Regan enjoyed a spit roast while discussing the Iran Contra affair.

A state funeral has been planned for Britain’s longest serving prime dictator, this will then be followed by much cheering in the long queue of those wanting to dance on her grave.

Miliband Wrestles Cameron over Spending Cuts

 Todays Prime Ministers Questions had to be abandoned after two questions, allowing paramedics to treat David Cameron who is in a critical condition following a blistering attack by the Labour Leader.

In response to the Conservative Leader stating that there was a ‘Thread of dishonesty’ in the Labour Parties spending proposals Ed Miliband rose from the opposition benches, eyeballed Mr Cameron and said ‘Outside now you Tory Bastard!”

The Tory leader responded with taunts that the Labour Leader was a ‘The stupid younger son’ and that his brother, David, was ‘more intelligent, more attractive and, from what he’d heard, better in bed than ickle red Ed’.

Ignoring the speakers demands to return to his seat Ed Miliband retorted ‘Let the red flag rise and your red blood be spilled. Workers of the unite, let class war begin!’

The stunned Tory leader was subjected to a series of wrestling moves that would not have been out of place from the WWE. At one point the Labor Leader reached into his dispatch box, removed drawing pins and spread them liberally over the Commons floor. To a cry of ‘Hell Yeah’ Ed Miliband tombstoned Mr Cameron and left the Commons Chamber leaving the Conservative leader a whimpering pin cushion.

Labor back benchers were seen to be holding ‘Miliband 3:16’ placards, rumors that there will be a ‘Bra and Panties’ match between Harriet Harman and Teresa May have been denied.

Cameron Denies Paying for Sex

Prime Minister David Cameron has denied allegations that he paid prostitutes to attend parties at 10 Downing Street and Chequers.

In an interview with Heat Magazine the leader of the Conservative Party said there is nothing in his private life that he is ashamed of beyond a moment of madness with Eric Pickles in 2007 when they took each others honorable members in hand and shared an inappropriate embrace.

Mr Cameron alleges that the prostitutes at the centre of scandal has been paid to make false accusations against him; insisting he has never paid for sex, rejecting the Telegraph claims that showed the Prime Minister had claimed expenses of £17000 in 2010 and already £15000 in 2011 for the supply of party hostesses from Allure, a high class escort agency.

He has repeated denied any wrong doing and could not be blamed for the bad behavior of others. His claims for hostesses were to ensure his parties had the trappings of power that were fitting of someone in his position, “do you expect us to use the Number 10 tea ladies to hand out smoked salmon canopies or maybe it should be (Teresa) May and the zombiefied Margaret Thatcher?”

Last week two glamour models, Roxy and Yvette, alleged they were paid to attend parties at Number 10 during which David and his wife Samantha would choose one to return later and spend the night with them while George Osborne babysat their three children next door.

In the interview Mr Cameron affirmed his domestic arrangements were “very normal and boring, lacking the wild sexual liberation of the models accusations” adding, “I never understood where the satisfaction is when you’re missing the pleasure of conquest but if ever Cleggo fancies cementing the coalition with a nights ‘swinging’ Im game”.

Big Budget porn film shot in 11 Downing Street

‘Osbornes Big Budget’, a pornographic film, has been shot at 11 Downing Street sources have revealed.  

In the desperate attempt to shore up the public finances an X rated movie was filmed at the Chancellors official residence, generating substantial revenue for the public coffers. The movie stars leading members of the Conservative/Liberal coalition who’ve donated their fees to the nation.  “In this era of austerity we need every penny we can get, to balance budget we need to think outside the box and if it involves being labeled a MILF and getting shafted by the Liberals so be it” said Teresa May who stars alongside Danny Alexander.  

The movie will be shown on the Adult Channel to coincide with this years budget has George Osborne giving a female junior minister a double dip rear session. Later Mr Osborne is dragged from preparing the budget to ‘massage’ his wifes figure and according to the press release ‘its certainly not just VAT that’s rising this year’.  In the finial scene Nick Clegg enjoys some close cooperation with Liam Fox and Sara Teather who puts the ‘Oh La La’ back into politics, sporting a PVC French maids outfit!  

David Cameron was scheduled to appear in the movie but sources close to the Prime Minister Office stated ‘In politics he’s a big fig fish but in the bedroom he’s a minnow’  

MP’s are bemoaning the expenses crisis for thanks to Jacki Smith husband getting caught they will no longer be able to get away with claiming such movies on expense.