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Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many wankers within the House of Commons but he’s the first MP to openly acknowledge he is one and its hoped that others will follow this lead”.

When contacted Conservative Central Office stated that Jackson Stewart was “Stupid, but that usually isn’t something that bars someone standing for the party” and were saddened to hear that he was standing down as prospective Member of Parliament to play with the member in his pants.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15

 

Today at 4:07 PM
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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 10.02.15

Nurse-Led Discharge Unit Gains New Sponsor

Chesterfield University Hospitals are proud to announce that the nurse-led discharge unit will now be known as the Anne Summers Discharge Unit from today.

The unit aims to ensure patients have a smooth and pleasant discharge, with additional funds and uniforms provided by Anne Summer ensuring the newly christened ‘Rabbit Ward’ has suitable staffing levels allowing nurses to provide close, hands on, attention.

“Our aim is to make sure patients leave this hospital with a smile on their faces and with the help of Anne Summers we can give everyone a happy ending to their stay” Medical Director Dr Chivers told the Press.

iHospital – Share Your Views

Following the outrage caused by this weekends iHospital outrage, where Chesterfield University Hospital was left with only one working computer, the views of staff are sought in a pretence of being an employer that listens to its staff. The tick box exercise will take place between 10th February and 23rd February, then the results will be ignored and all records of the survey expunged from the hospitals records.

The finance department has also been decontaminated following an outbreak of Norovirus, the cause of contagion an infected; even the departments low tech solutions to iHospital related issues have been hit by a bug.

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Breaking News: Minifigs ‘Take Control’ in Wales

David Cameron stood outside 10 Downing Street and regretfully told journalists ‘Wales is under Minifig control’.

Following a meeting with military chiefs and the Cobra emergency committee he made this announcement. It had already become clear that Lego people had effectively taken control of the principality with minifigs parading through Cardiff waving Danish flags and taking over the Doctor Who studios, renaming them the‘Timemy Wimey Parliament of Plastic People’.

To the north local law enforcement officials attempt to prevent Lego knights from occupying Conway Castle, losing this struggle and their dignity in the process. Commandeering supplies from the cities toy stores the minifigs reinforced their position with building block bastions

Dwarf minifigs from ‘The Hobbit’ range tweeted that they’d taken residency in Snowdonia, remaining Snowdon ‘Moria’, “If you want it back @QueenElizabethII come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”. Later images of downed military drones were posted to the site, “Battle drone/Balrogs…all the same, we’ll have yer!! #Easy”the dwarfs declared.

Attempts by Mega Blocks to support the English in their attempts to quash the Minifig rebellion have been punitively put down, with all taint of Legos arch rival being purged with fire; pyres of Mega Block bricks temporary being used instead of coal within the principalities power stations.

The only human treated with anything but distain being Brian Blessed, the legendary actor seen as a living deity, with huge Lego brick statues constructed of him constructed in city centres across Wales and S4C showing nothing but repeats of ‘Flash Gordon’ and ‘Blake 7’.

The UN has attempted to broker peace talks between Minifigs and David Cameron but the Lego men’s response was to build spare rooms onto all houses and declare “Bedroom tax that yer toffee nosed illegitimate son of a greasy worm!”

Labour have yet to respond to the crisis, it is suspected they’re busy sniggering.

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Royal Mint Issues £20 Coin to Commemorate Bashing the Bosh

Mint produces 250,000 coins, in celebration of World War I, where England gave the Germans a dam good thrashing!

A silver coin has been struck by the Royal Mint commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the First World War

The coin carries the image of Britannia driving a tank over German trenches, crushing the soldiers within them was designed by UKIP leader Nigel Ferage, with Lord Kitchener replacing the Queens head upon the reverse. 

A batch of 250,000 of the coins has been created and, like those minted to celebrate the birth of Prince George, is expected to sell out within days. That coin featured Saint George standing on the white cliffs of Dover surveying the domains yet to be conquered across the English Channel.    

Designer Ferage said: “After reading a few history books I ignored everything they contained and drew inspiration from ‘Blackadder goes Forth’. After asking my German wife if she approved I assumed the shrieks she let forth was an endorsement of this works beauty”.   

“The centenary of England saving Europe is an occasion of great significance, it is important to us that the deaths of many great officers should be commemorated; the gentries great sacrifice as they answered the call to fight for king and country” said David Cameron, launching this coin at a Downing Street reception.

It is expected a special Great War 1 pence piece will be launched by Nick Clegg later in the year, with each member of the armed forces given a copy of the coin for in these times of austerity this nation is no longer able to give its service men and women a whole shilling.

To mark the start of World War I a new medal for gallantry or acts of bravery in the face of opposition will also be introduced, the first to receive ‘The Somme Star’ being David Cameron for his unfailing refusal provide a factual answer during Prime Ministers Question.  

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Bonkers, Epic Bonkers

Noah (2014) Dr: Darren Aronofsky

In the beginning there was ‘Lord of the Rings’ and everything was good, alas greed and hubris crept into the world, devouring the ‘The Hobbit’ and leaving behind nought but a pile of putrid goo gracing the cinema screens. God decreed that ‘Noah’ save this fragile planet, washing away the stench of pretentious avarice with an almighty deluge… and if that sounds mad you’ve seen nothing yet.

Noah is bonkers, epic and enjoyable but bonkers all the same. Crowe chews the screen in his zealous devotion to Gods will, rock monsters (voiced by Optimus Prime) provide the manual labour and if you build it they will come; the fauna of the planet walking, flying, creeping and crawling aboard the ark to be sedated with soporific incense This while king of the orcs, sorry tribes of Cain, goes to war with Noah for why should this veggie echo mentalist get to go on a cruise and have all the fun?

Shockingly within all the madness there is poinancy, the seven days of creation reimagined and everything was good. The delemmia of fealty to ones Lords command weighed against compassion to the dammed innocent an underlying theme as Noah sets sail to wipe the stench of human corruption from the planet but true to the Biblical text he just ends up getting drunk in nought but his birthday suit. ‘As it was’, probably not but entertaining cinematic lunacy upon a grand scale.

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I Much Rather Be Fisted by a Cyberman

Sabotage (2014) Dr: David Ayer

Meat headed nonsense flush with senseless bloody testosterone in compensation for a lack of plot, thrill or modicum of enjoyment. A pubescent males dream computer game..bang, bang and you’ve bagged bad guys then bang and you’ve bagged the female lead. Top of the pile of scenes that rankle being where Arnie pops over to offer his apologies to the female detective investigating whoever’s murdering his team. Apologies begins with breaking and entering, catching Olivia Williams swimming naked; whoohoo, boobs. Williams isn’t perturbed by this invasion of property or privacy, she invites Arnie in for a drink and congress; for being a good girl and putting out getting a present, leads in the case, like a dog being trained with treats.

‘Sabotage’ is senseless and lacks any sensibility; any guilty pleasure of an Arnie movie replaced by guilt that you’ve not walked out of the cinema and used the time to do something more constructive; like being fisted by a cyberman…really that would be more fun! Three quarters of the film are superfluous to the narrative and its morals are dubious to the extreme; retribution trumps all other rights and responsibilities for one can steal, tear lives apart, kill and let others be killed just because you seek revenge…this is less pumping iron, more pumping shite.