Pope meets and beats Irish bishops

The Pope said he had ‘disturbed and distressed’ all 27 of Irelands Roman Catholic bishops in revenge for the Irish defeat of Italy in this years Rugby Six Nations Championship. In a press statement the Vatican admitted these punishment beatings were in retribution for decades of humiliation at the hands of Ireland and Brian O’Driscal was an ‘abomination who was to be excommunicated’.

Before the meeting began on Monday the Vatican secretary held a mass attended by the Irish Bishops where, during a firebrand sermon, they learned their fate. At that point the Pope stepped forward and gave the Bishop of Clougher, Joseph Duffy, a ‘dam good thrashing’ with a barbed set of Rosary beads.

Dr Diarmuid Martin attempted to fight back but Pope Benedict XVI swiftly dealt with the Archbishop of Dublin aided by two candlesticks. Full details of the confrontation are patchy but unnamed sourced state that Bishop of Clogher, Joseph Duffy was nailed to a cross and the Pope screamed ‘Lord in your mercy hear our prayers’ over 50 times while pummeling the Bishop of Galways head into the alter table.

It is also reported that the Pope, aided by CIA operatives, ‘water into wine boarded’ Armagh Archbishop Sean Brady, the primate of all Ireland He was later seen wearing an orange suit being herded onto a plane, destination unknown.

Four Bishops who refused to attend the punishment meeting reportedly found a choir boys head in their confession booths.

Marksman called in to Exterminate Cambridges Bollards

 A specialist marksman will carry out a “humane cull” of city centre bollards Cambridge Council announced this week.

The cull will be done by a private pest control contractor from Cobham as part of a three-year programme to reduce Cambridges nuisance bollard population. In 2006 alone there have been over 200 unprovoked bollard attacks, injuring pedestrians,
damaging cars and tipping cyclists off their bikes.

Dr David Chivers, town centre manager, said it had considered other ways of culling before deciding on shooting. He said: “At this moment in time, a specialist marksman will be used to shoot the bollards. I can definitely say there will be no chain
sawing and no poisoning. The cull will be carried out discreetly.”

Dr Chivers could not confirm when precisely the cull would begin, but it is expected in the next month. Police permission has been obtained for the shoot, which will be carried out during the morning rush hour to increase the chance of accidental human fatalities.
The programme will cost nearly £140,000, with half of that allocated will be used to fund Dr Chivers 12 quart a day sherry habit.

Dr Chivers said: “We are also working on removing their food and disembowelling those who foolishly feed the bollards by force feeding them sugar coated caesium tablets washed down with nitric acid”

Mans Exaggerations Actually True!

Dr Chivers outlandish claims of suffering from a ‘massive blister’ were confirmed by astronauts last night.

Friends assumed assertions that his feet had ‘swelled to the size of a house’ and he had blisters ‘bigger than the millennium dome’ were just the product of a deranged fool when they can be seen with the naked eye from the International Space Station.

Paul Shirley, Michael Wieloch and Clare Murdoch issued a full and frank apology for any insult or injury sustained against his good character while in future assuring Dr Chivers that they would believe the sometimes wild and far fetched ramblings of the aged pig obsessed sherry addict.

They added that Dr Chivers recent behavior, where he claimed to have a remote control logged in his aorta, had a brain swap with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and wrote ‘MacBeth’ while time travelling with Babe the Sheep Pig added to their sense of disbelief and thus were unwilling to accept that feet and blisters could swell to such massive proportions after a 400m excursion to buy more Sherry.

Dr Chivers was unavailable for comment but issued this statement through his solicitors ‘I am fine, I am okay, I am wearing my wife’s knickers. Please can M&S send more pants, the washing machine has broken down and I need clean underwear!’

A further claim that his breath can kill penguins is currently under investigation with the aid of London Zoo.

Big Budget porn film shot in 11 Downing Street

‘Osbornes Big Budget’, a pornographic film, has been shot at 11 Downing Street sources have revealed.  

In the desperate attempt to shore up the public finances an X rated movie was filmed at the Chancellors official residence, generating substantial revenue for the public coffers. The movie stars leading members of the Conservative/Liberal coalition who’ve donated their fees to the nation.  “In this era of austerity we need every penny we can get, to balance budget we need to think outside the box and if it involves being labeled a MILF and getting shafted by the Liberals so be it” said Teresa May who stars alongside Danny Alexander.  

The movie will be shown on the Adult Channel to coincide with this years budget has George Osborne giving a female junior minister a double dip rear session. Later Mr Osborne is dragged from preparing the budget to ‘massage’ his wifes figure and according to the press release ‘its certainly not just VAT that’s rising this year’.  In the finial scene Nick Clegg enjoys some close cooperation with Liam Fox and Sara Teather who puts the ‘Oh La La’ back into politics, sporting a PVC French maids outfit!  

David Cameron was scheduled to appear in the movie but sources close to the Prime Minister Office stated ‘In politics he’s a big fig fish but in the bedroom he’s a minnow’  

MP’s are bemoaning the expenses crisis for thanks to Jacki Smith husband getting caught they will no longer be able to get away with claiming such movies on expense.

‘We make Films not Bombs’ Claims North Korea

 North Korea have denied that the Wi Bombu nuclear complex has resumed enriching uranium, instead claiming recent activity is due to filming of  ‘On His Supreme Leaders Secret Service’, the latest in the Kim Jong-il franchise.

Despite overwhelming evidence that Pyong Yang has recommenced its nuclear programme, including the purchase of high grade uranium ore from unitednuclear.com, North Korea have denied this is further evidence of increasing belligerent behavior.

“Barak Obama and lackeys are idiots, making a crisis out of a sequel” said Premier Yo Tong-rim. “Last year we make ‘The Capitalist Pigdog who Loved Me’ and it win 12 Oscars, this year we make ‘On His Supreme Leaders Secret Service’ and it will win 18 Oscars. We attempt to promote peace, prosperity and stability in the Korean peninsula and Asia with Double O Seven film, watch Kim Jung-il save the world from George W Bushfelds deviously dumb designs for global domination, scuppering his Star Wars stratagem and destroying his devilish ‘Death Star’”.

In an international dispute linked to these films MGM Studios and George Lucas have begun legal proceedings relating to copyright infringement. North Korea has counter sued the estate of Ian Fleming, MGM Studios and George Lucas stating that both the Star Wars and James Bond franchises were facsimile copies of previously unreleased works of Kim Il Sung.

“Take ‘Man with the Golden Gun’, James Bond save world in a shooting duel with man with three nipples. This same as our Eternal Leaders ‘Man with the Hole in One’ where Kim Jung-il save world in a golfing dual with man with two nipples. We sue you, we want your money now!’ Premier Yo Tong-rim told journalist at this Premier of “Star Wars Episode V: The Korean Workers Party Strikes Back’.  

The chairman of the US joint chiefs of staff, Mike Mullen, said it provided further evidence of North Korea’s increasingly departure from reality. “We are unable to believe anything this regime states, both publically or private. Only last week the North Korean Ambassador presented himself to Barak Obama and requested that, as true heir of King George V, he would like his colonies back, please could he have keys to the Statue of Liberty to take it for a test drive like in Ghostbusters 2.”.

Equally annoying have been Korean officials threats when travelling, regularly tweeting that ‘There is a bum on this plane, unless you fly to directly Pyong Yang with $10 million in non sequential dollar bills it will break wind!”

Further talks to discuss the international impasse on how to deal with this rogue state are set to resume next week, “The only hope is engagement with North Korea” said Mike Mullan “if we have to take one for the team and be joined in holy matrimony the United States will do whatever’s required”.  

Some of the lesser reported Wikileaks revelations…

 

  • During the George W Bush’s 2004 state visit an unnamed civil servant was employed to carry a stereo and follow the then president to ensure the then he could deploy Bruce Springsteen’s classic ‘Born in the USA’ at 45 seconds notice.
  • China covertly announced it would support the unification of North and South America, under the transitional presidency of Hugo Chavez in America’s new capital Caracas.
  • During an arms fair in Turkey the Duke of York was noted as saying something of both interest and intelligence; first time since 1984 when, at his brothers wedding, he accidently let slip that he gave the marriage 6 years and then Charles would be ‘back boffing horse face Parker Bowels’.
  • In 2001 Donald Rumsfeld almost deployed Luci Lawless in Afghanistan after accidently believing that ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ was a documentary.
  • Prince Harry sings ‘God Save Grandma’ during recitals of the national anthem.
  • Educational experts were drafted in to teach George W Bush to count beyond 10 to enable the President to deal with the 9/11 tragedy.
  • To earn money as a student the French President Nicolas Sarkozy was once employed by the rock band Queen be 1 of the 7 dwarfs carrying trays of cocaine on their heads during the bands infamous 1981 New Years Eve party; unconfirmed reports state Freddie Mercury declared ‘I want it all, I want it all, I want it now’ and the Mr Sarkozy duly delivered and hasn’t been able to eat a banana ever since.
  • In 2007 an unnamed US diplomat stated the biggest tragedy of the Iraq invasion was accidently bombing Bagdads outlet of McDonalds for, despite the brutal internal civil war, everything would be ok if they could get his teeth around a Big Mac.
  • Mahmud Ahmadinejad is a massive fan of ‘Sex in the City’ and return for a 6 month hiatus in Irans nuclear programme was allowed to attend last years movie premier.
  • The USA regularly contemplates invading Canada ‘for the hell of it’.

Ommission from Genesis

One great omission from Genesis was Adams first words to Eve… do you think the Bible might be viewed differently if it contained ‘Lo and the Lord did take out one of Adams ribs and from it he fashioned a woman, Eve. There standing before each other man and woman did stare until Adam spoke, ‘Get yer fig leaf lass, you’ve pulled’.

 9 months later Eve gave birth to Cain and was eternally bitter, not only was she forced into an arrowhead marriage (bit like a shotgun marriage but slightly more primitive) it turned out Adam was a liar as you could get pregnant if you did it standing up.

 What Adam thought no one knows, he was watching Sky Sports presented by two Neanderthals called Andy Gray and Richard Keys.

The Adventures of Wasp Brain Man and the Lemon Hedgehog

 “Holy Paperclips of Staples Wasp Brain Man, the phones ringing!”

“Zoots! Its the Managing Director, he says a great plot is afoot to make me work!”

“Chivers! What are you going to do?”

“Take it easy my trusty Lemon Hedgehog, take it easy like I always do. There is no need for such horrors like work to befall me, for remember I am protected by an aura of procrastination and a shield of web browsing. No man or woman can breach their mighty defenses and make me earn the wages Im paid!”

“Ipod dingo shoes! If only I had your brains! Then I too could think of devilishly cunning plans resulting in a slightly boring sloth like existence during the working day and fight crime at night.”

“Well if you had my brain you too would have worked out that I dont fight crime at night, I fight grime! Yes the grime that lives in the sink after a meal for it is I that washes the dishes while you sit watching Hollyoaks with tea in hand after a hard days highlighting”.

“Poppy cup pencil carrots! I thought we had a dishwasher, what is that I put my dirty dishes into each day?”

“The daily ramming of your dirty dishes into my mouth is something I dont look forward too and you use way too much washing powder! I suggest you experiment with one cup instead of two”.

“Highlight my testicles and call me Bernard! What is it I pour Fairy Liquid into?”

“The cleansing fluid enema is certainly not the highlight of my day oh trusty Lemon Hedgehog while cranking of my whirligigs doesnt turn me on either”.

“Gulp argh burp somersault, Ive been cranking your whirligigs! I thought the dishwasher was just pleased to see me!”

“Hummm”