Budget Cuts hit Schools Hard

 Due to budget cuts the three R’s have been reduced to the two R’s Michael Gove announced yesterday. From the start for the next academic year teachers will no longer be required to teach pupils how to read, oddly the only one of the three R’s actually beginning with R.

With a third cut from the education budget schools are under strain, and along with the rebuilding programme, reading has been scrapped. ‘Pupils will leave school illiterate which is little different to the current situation and at least we wont spend billions trying to succeed where we obviously fail’.

During this mornings Today Programme interview John Humphries challenged Michael Gove on the paradox that children wont understand what they are writing, the Education Minister responded by holding up his mobile phone displaying the message ‘LOL’.

Other plans include ‘Modern Apprenticeships’ where, from children the age of 5, will be taught a skill such as stitching footballs together and the ‘Open Schools’ Policy.

“Pupils will be taught in ‘Open Schools’; an environment free from the shackles of the traditional classroom with fields, car parks and tops of tower blocks facilitating real blue sky thinking. The resulting savings will allow every pupil to be issued with an umbrella to protect them from the extremes of weather”.

Savage cuts have hit other departments hard, in some case forcing them to merge. As Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has gained an expanded brief, in charge of the newly formed ‘Treasury, Work and Training’ or TWAT. Ed Milibands only comment on this matter was ‘C’est le vie, if the hat fits let the man wear it”.

Ferdinand set for Man Utd Return

 Archduke Franz Ferdinand is set to end a 96 year absence by playing against Marseille on Wednesday after overcoming long term injury problems and death.

The 121 year old Austrian centre back has not played since being murdered in 1914 during Manchester Uniteds ill fated tour of Croatia which sparked World War I. Despite death previously being a career ending problem Sith powers possessed by Sir Darth Ferguson have brought Ferdinand back to life telling reporters ‘Franz has been training very well in the last few weeks. He will play on Wednesday’.  

‘This is the time to bring him back’ the Sith Lord added, ‘With players missing and silverware on the line we needed something special, Ferdinand was the Bobby Moore of his time and it’s the boost we need’.

After the brutal force chocking of Gary Neville, which forced the defender to retire, Darth Ferguson was left with a crisis. Rumors persist his first target for resurrection was Jesus but it was later discovered the son of God was already alive and well managing Real Madrid. Instead he looked to the United legend Franz Ferdinand who led the 1913 team to the league title and FA Cup double but was tragically shot on in June 1914 during a drunken game of extreme tiddlywinks.

Meanwhile Darth Ferguson revealed that he will be picking both Stanley Mathews and Duncan Edwards in his 25 man Champions League squad suggesting that Franz Ferdinand will not be the only former player whose career is to be resurrected.

“It has been a rough time with Darth Rooney suspended for decapitating a linesman with his lightsaber, so to draft them into the side can only be good for us”.

North Korea in Boardgame Dispute

 Angry North Korea has walked out of nuclear talks after being denied use of the battleship during the traditional post summit game of Monopoly.

In UN Security Council resolution 6748 it clearly states that North and  South Korea will share the use of the battleship on a rota system. Pyongyang are now unwilling to use the alternative stating ‘To be a dog, a poodle for the US, capitalist pigs, is an unbearable insult’.
China has appealed for the North to return to negotiations while Russia is willing to allow the Pyongyang delegation the use of its top hat if this will push forward the six party talks. 

After international agreement that it could use the red pieces during games of Risk North Korea began dismantling its nuclear programme but following the ‘Kerplunk Incident’ this process stalled.

Now a defiant Pyongyang have vowed to permanently walk out of international talks and resume long range missile tests. It claims these are for peaceful purposes and nothing to do with sinking the US Battleship in E4.  

This is not the first time board games have caused bitter international disputes. In 1939 Adolf Hitler stormed out of a peace summit and invaded Poland after Neville Chamberlin falsely accused him of murdering Dr Black in study with the lead piping.

Pope meets and beats Irish bishops

The Pope said he had ‘disturbed and distressed’ all 27 of Irelands Roman Catholic bishops in revenge for the Irish defeat of Italy in this years Rugby Six Nations Championship. In a press statement the Vatican admitted these punishment beatings were in retribution for decades of humiliation at the hands of Ireland and Brian O’Driscal was an ‘abomination who was to be excommunicated’.

Before the meeting began on Monday the Vatican secretary held a mass attended by the Irish Bishops where, during a firebrand sermon, they learned their fate. At that point the Pope stepped forward and gave the Bishop of Clougher, Joseph Duffy, a ‘dam good thrashing’ with a barbed set of Rosary beads.

Dr Diarmuid Martin attempted to fight back but Pope Benedict XVI swiftly dealt with the Archbishop of Dublin aided by two candlesticks. Full details of the confrontation are patchy but unnamed sourced state that Bishop of Clogher, Joseph Duffy was nailed to a cross and the Pope screamed ‘Lord in your mercy hear our prayers’ over 50 times while pummeling the Bishop of Galways head into the alter table.

It is also reported that the Pope, aided by CIA operatives, ‘water into wine boarded’ Armagh Archbishop Sean Brady, the primate of all Ireland He was later seen wearing an orange suit being herded onto a plane, destination unknown.

Four Bishops who refused to attend the punishment meeting reportedly found a choir boys head in their confession booths.

Marksman called in to Exterminate Cambridges Bollards

 A specialist marksman will carry out a “humane cull” of city centre bollards Cambridge Council announced this week.

The cull will be done by a private pest control contractor from Cobham as part of a three-year programme to reduce Cambridges nuisance bollard population. In 2006 alone there have been over 200 unprovoked bollard attacks, injuring pedestrians,
damaging cars and tipping cyclists off their bikes.

Dr David Chivers, town centre manager, said it had considered other ways of culling before deciding on shooting. He said: “At this moment in time, a specialist marksman will be used to shoot the bollards. I can definitely say there will be no chain
sawing and no poisoning. The cull will be carried out discreetly.”

Dr Chivers could not confirm when precisely the cull would begin, but it is expected in the next month. Police permission has been obtained for the shoot, which will be carried out during the morning rush hour to increase the chance of accidental human fatalities.
The programme will cost nearly £140,000, with half of that allocated will be used to fund Dr Chivers 12 quart a day sherry habit.

Dr Chivers said: “We are also working on removing their food and disembowelling those who foolishly feed the bollards by force feeding them sugar coated caesium tablets washed down with nitric acid”

Mans Exaggerations Actually True!

Dr Chivers outlandish claims of suffering from a ‘massive blister’ were confirmed by astronauts last night.

Friends assumed assertions that his feet had ‘swelled to the size of a house’ and he had blisters ‘bigger than the millennium dome’ were just the product of a deranged fool when they can be seen with the naked eye from the International Space Station.

Paul Shirley, Michael Wieloch and Clare Murdoch issued a full and frank apology for any insult or injury sustained against his good character while in future assuring Dr Chivers that they would believe the sometimes wild and far fetched ramblings of the aged pig obsessed sherry addict.

They added that Dr Chivers recent behavior, where he claimed to have a remote control logged in his aorta, had a brain swap with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and wrote ‘MacBeth’ while time travelling with Babe the Sheep Pig added to their sense of disbelief and thus were unwilling to accept that feet and blisters could swell to such massive proportions after a 400m excursion to buy more Sherry.

Dr Chivers was unavailable for comment but issued this statement through his solicitors ‘I am fine, I am okay, I am wearing my wife’s knickers. Please can M&S send more pants, the washing machine has broken down and I need clean underwear!’

A further claim that his breath can kill penguins is currently under investigation with the aid of London Zoo.

Big Budget porn film shot in 11 Downing Street

‘Osbornes Big Budget’, a pornographic film, has been shot at 11 Downing Street sources have revealed.  

In the desperate attempt to shore up the public finances an X rated movie was filmed at the Chancellors official residence, generating substantial revenue for the public coffers. The movie stars leading members of the Conservative/Liberal coalition who’ve donated their fees to the nation.  “In this era of austerity we need every penny we can get, to balance budget we need to think outside the box and if it involves being labeled a MILF and getting shafted by the Liberals so be it” said Teresa May who stars alongside Danny Alexander.  

The movie will be shown on the Adult Channel to coincide with this years budget has George Osborne giving a female junior minister a double dip rear session. Later Mr Osborne is dragged from preparing the budget to ‘massage’ his wifes figure and according to the press release ‘its certainly not just VAT that’s rising this year’.  In the finial scene Nick Clegg enjoys some close cooperation with Liam Fox and Sara Teather who puts the ‘Oh La La’ back into politics, sporting a PVC French maids outfit!  

David Cameron was scheduled to appear in the movie but sources close to the Prime Minister Office stated ‘In politics he’s a big fig fish but in the bedroom he’s a minnow’  

MP’s are bemoaning the expenses crisis for thanks to Jacki Smith husband getting caught they will no longer be able to get away with claiming such movies on expense.