Category Archives: News

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 26/04/16

Jo Guest Lecture Tomorrow:  ‘Enjoyable Discharges’ 

 Operations Manager, and former glamour model, Jo Guest will give the annual Kenneth Williams lecture, this year titled ‘Enjoyable Discharges: How Nurses can Satisfy Patients Needs’.

 The event will take place in the “name to be decided, please can someone from Chesterfield do something scientifically significant” lecture theatre on 29th April. Anyone wishing to propose to their partner during the lecture will be given a £10 voucher to spend in Anne Summers, sponsors of the Discharge Lounge, to provide relief from the lack of fulfilment within marriage.

 Correction

In yesterdays Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily we erroneously stated that “renowned scientists Professor Brian Cocks will be visiting the site to present his lecture ‘Large Hardon Colander and its Impact upon Medical Tautology’”.

 This should have been Professor Brian Cox presenting the lecture ‘Large Hadron Collider and its Impact upon Medical Technology’. Changes have been made to the editorial team, hopefully things can only get better.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 18/01/16

Recent MRSA Cases Prompts Vigilance.

 Two recent outbreaks of MSRA (Motivation, Resilience, Strength and Ambition) have been reported and Chesterfield University Hospitals prompt all staff to be extra vigilant to reduce the risk of further cases.

 Medical Director Dr David Chivers would remind all employees that the hospital needs servile drones who acquiesce to managements often peculiar and contradictory whimsy’s; critical thinking and the questioning of orders are not required talents.

 Any member of staff showing these qualities will be remove from their current post and attached to a new one, which will be impaled through their heart.

 100,000 Garden Gnomes project underway at CUH

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is leading a nationwide project to map the DNA of 100000 garden gnomes within the United Kingdom.

 David Chivers,  Regis consultant on Mythological Creatures,  told journalists of the national importance of this project. “Without this work we may not be able to tell the difference between gnomes, dwarves and elves leading to all sorts of mistakes happening; only last month a chimera accidently had a hippogriffs wing stitched onto its back during a botched transplant operation creating a chimeric chimera! We need a clear understanding of the genetic makeup of fantasy creatures or else all sort of weird stuff will occur! Also if we know it’s an elf we can refuse to treat it, nasty pointy eared bastards!”

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 08/07/15

‘LaborSave’…

Division Q are pleased to announce a £3000000 annual saving by asking pregnant women to give birth at home before calling a midwife.

Previously a midwife would attend mothers before and during all births, whether they be at home or within the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital. If all women give birth in the comfort of home, with support provided by loved ones, this would generate a significant saving.

Only once the little one has been delivered should a midwife be called to check it’s a baby (in 2014 supposedly pregnant women gave birth to things other than babies including a particular large poo, three cats called Pickles and an artefact procured from Anne Summers) and if the mother or child should be transferred into hospital.

If hospital admission is required the number of local taxi companies will be provided.

Yanis Varoufakis Appointed Chief Finance Officer

 Until yesterday Chesterfield University Hospitals lay tipping on the precipice of financial ruin, with its deficit increasing by £1 million per week.

Now we are proud to announce the appointment of Yanis Varoufakis as Chief Finance Officer, now we have a way to escape the fiscal abyss we were facing. Until Monday Mr Varoufakis was Finance Minister of Greece and his fiscal prudence and debt reduction skills will be invaluable during these difficult times.

Following on from Greece’s referendum Chesterfield University Hospitals will begin asking patients to ratify all major financial decisions, those who are incapacitated or not of sound mind having an advocate acting on their behalf. Yanis Varoufakis has expressed his eagerness in the dual role of Hospitals fiscal authority coupled with sole patient assessor and advocate.

“I will ask them ‘Are you ok?’ in my native tongue. If a patient does not understand they will be deemed to be not compos mentis; I shall act in their best interest” Varoufakis told journalist. “With the patients mandate it is then not the government who’ll be the masters of Chesterfield University Hospitals, it`ll be the people and who am I to quibble with democracy!”

Patients groups have expressed concern with new mental capacity tests, Varoufakis slowly raised his middle finger and told them to “swivel”.

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Chesterfield Hospitals Daily 03/07/15

Spending Review Update

Following NHS cuts Chesterfield University Hospitals will be dramatically amending standard operating procedures.

 

  • All general anaesthetic will no longer be administered by a trained anaesthetist, instead it`ll be administered by a hammer.
  • Following the success of the ‘great British Sewing Bee’ surgical stitching has been outsourced to the Newbold Patchwork Society, whose members will take time out from their craft making to perform much needed medical needlework.
  • When blood supplies are running low ketchup is a low cost alternative and is in plentiful supply within the hospital shop.
  • Death has been added to the criteria used to officially categorise an operation ‘successful’.

 

iHospital Update – How to Email an Attachment

 

Following technical issues new guidelines have been written on how to email an attachment, which are as follows:

-Print the document out then, find someone going in the general direction of the intended recipient. Staple the document to this person, it is now the recipients job to hunt down the carrier and snatch it as they pass.

This should resolve the situation.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 23rd June

Chesterfield University Hospitals Says YES to Breasts! 

In support of National Breastfeeding Week Chesterfield University is suckling at the teat of taste with breast milk ice cream being served in the canteen. Staff from the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital will be on hand to give breastfeeding tips and advice, with Dr David Chivers delighted at his ‘hands on’ training by the chief midwife yesterday morning.

To raise money for Baby Milk Action, an independent charity promoting breast feeding, employees can enter ‘Match the Mammary with the Mother’. Can you work out which breasts match which employees? For a £2 entry fee you get an entry sheet with photos of both and the correct answer drawn out of the hat will win an all expense trip to Hooters, London; where you’ll get waitress service with a smile, short shorts and tight tops!

Clinic 9 ½ Opened for Non Muggle Maladies

After successfully tendering for the Non Muggle and Magician contract, Chesterfield University Hospitals is delighted to announce the opening of Clinic   9 1/2. There all manner of magical maladies will be treated from Wizards Wrist, caused by excessive wand wielding, and Crones Droop where spell casters experience a pronounced softening then sagging of noses and other appendages.

There will also be outreach programmes to prevent unplanned transformations, teaching wizards and witches not to practice magic without using protection and where this fails what to do to get emergency contraTransformation and prevent STDs (Sorcery Transmitted Diseases).

Childcare, Have You Booked it for this Summer?

With summer holidays nearly here have you made suitable arrangements for your children? If not you could put them to work in Chesterfield University Hospitals Summer Camp!

With care packages for boys and girls aged 6 to 12 years old they can be looked after, earn a wage and help Chesterfield University Hospitals provide excellent patient care! Could little Jonnie shovel waste into the furnace and little Lucy collect bedpans from dementia patients? If the answer is yes they’ll earn you £2 an hour while you work this summer, with trained professionals ensuring the hospitals well being is maintained while the children are exploited to their fullest potential.

 

Sign up now, YOUR HOSPITAL NEEDS YOUR CHILDREN!

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Sepp Blatter to Become Greek President

Former FIFA boss Sepp Blatter has become the new president of Greece in a shock announcement.

The disgraced head of footballs governing body has pledged to donate ‘A large pile of used $100 bills’ his maid found in a brown paper bags behind the sofa. This is not a complicated money laundering operation Blatter confirmed and has nothing to do with the FBI investigating his affairs but being a head of state provides some degree of diplomatic immunity which he described as being ‘useful’.

In addition Blatter pledged to tackle the rampant corruption and fraud rampant in the Greek economy, “I am an expert in these fields, I understand the mindset of those who wish to cheat the system for personal gain” he told a press conference from his lavish presidential palace. After providing journalists with a Champaign reception the new president showed details of his economic recovery plan, which mostly involved renaming the Acropolis the ‘Nike Zone’, a temple devoted to the Goddess of Victory and High Performance Sports Wear.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 21st May 2015

Conservative Triumph Celebrated at Chesterfield University Hospitals               

We like our football team playing in blue and we like our politicians blue, and this isn’t just referring to the time David Cameron called Boris Johnson a Cucking Funt. We celebrate the Conservative Parties triumph at the ballet box and look forward to additional private sector involvement in the NHS.

Instead of ‘Red Ed’, Marvin the Socialist Paranoid Android, we’ve got ‘pumped up’ David Cameron and his glorious Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, at the tiller. There is nought that can go wrong and Chesterfield University Hospitals looks forward to the extra funding this sycophantic toadying deserves.

A New Start in the Care of Women

We would like to welcome Spirites Health to the Chesterfield University Hospitals after their successful bid to run Womens Health services. Lead by departing Chesterfield University Hospitals Clinical Director David Chivers Spirites Health will bring private sector savvy and best practice to the care of female patients while accepting no compromise to their profit margin which can only benefit patients, somehow.

“We  are delighted to be working with Spirites Health, who are already seen as the gold standard in providing profitable community services” Clinical Director David Chivers told journalists in one finial act before leaving Chesterfield University Hospitals, “their innovative practices will bring best value, mostly to my Swiss bank account ”.

Already Spirites Health have rebranded all nursing staff as Womens Health Operational Resource – Employee Solution  (WHOR-ES) and have changed their working uniforms accordingly; Dr David Chivers is looking forward to inspecting his new team shortly.

Dying Recognition Week

Today is the first day of ‘Dying Recognition Week’, where the nation remembers all entertainers who’ve treaded the boards and failed to raise a smile, a titter or a giggle from the audience.

Here at Chesterfield University Hospitals Dramatic Injuries Unit specialists in treating bruised egos, broken careers, hissy fits and dramatic flounces; most famously providing ongoing care to Jonny Depp following his 2013 box office flop ‘The Lone Ranger’.

The Dramatic Injuries Unit nursing team will be singing a medley of United Kingdom’s recent Eurovision entries, the graveyard musical careers.

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Hospital Chaplaincy Sued by Man in Dress

Chesterfield University Hospitals Chaplaincy have been successfully sued by Eddie Izzard following their ‘Cake or Death’ Pastoral Care Policy. To reduce the number of long term admissions the Chaplaincy began offering patients the choice of ‘Cake or Death’, unsurprisingly only one patient refused the rather splendid lemon drizzle cake on offer and chose death. It later transpired that this patient was somewhat hard of hearing and thought the Chaplain had said cake or Beth, his wife name, and thus believed Beth would be visiting later for a conjugal visit; one last ‘roll in the hay’ before his hip replacement.

Attending Chesterfield Crown Court smartly dressed in a suit, with rouge lipstick and fingernails, Eddie Izzard demonstrated that this policy was simply an extension of a comedy sketch from his 1996 Outrageous tour, thus the Chaplaincy had not only plagiarised his work but in addition based supposedly sound medical practice upon unsound twaddle he’d thought up after one two many G&T’s.

Due to overwhelming evidence, including a 2006 Youtube video where the sketch was set to Lego animation, Eddie Izzard won his case and £100000 damages.

“Eddie Izzard is a silly individual who continues to transgress with his transgendered antics, here within the hospital chaplaincy and the Church of England in general you would never find such deviance” said Rev Stephen Griffiths in his long flowing liturgical vestment.

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Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many wankers within the House of Commons but he’s the first MP to openly acknowledge he is one and its hoped that others will follow this lead”.

When contacted Conservative Central Office stated that Jackson Stewart was “Stupid, but that usually isn’t something that bars someone standing for the party” and were saddened to hear that he was standing down as prospective Member of Parliament to play with the member in his pants.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15

 

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